July/August 2000
SPECIAL REPORT
The State of Affairs
by Keri West
COLORADO: Tiffany checks into a Denver hotel for a two-day conference. In the elevator, she meets up with her boss Bill. They arrange to meet later for coffee. Both are married. Should one thing lead to another, Tiffany reasons she will simply say, "He came on to me," while Bill will excuse their involvement as, "One thing just led to another." Neither sees how mental straying leads to adultery.
MASSACHUSETTS: It's 9 p.m. in Boston and Judy is chopping vegetables for tomorrow night's dinner. She doesn't have a clue that Brad, her husband of 20 years, is thinking about an online rendezvous arranged for midnight with a young woman he met several months ago in an Internet chat room. Brad figures that what his wife doesn't know won't hurt her and that he is not being unfaithful to her because he's not committing adultery.
CALIFORNIA: Lance is mired in the Los Angeles commute traffic. He's furious that his wife, Gloria, who is stuck with a client, wants him to pick up their daughter at day care. He told Gloria that morning that he planned to work late on a proposal and to eat dinner without him. What Lance didn't tell Gloria is that he has dinner reservations with his secretary. He will simply drop off the seven-year-old at home; tell her, "Daddy is going back to the office, but Mommy will be here soon;" then continue with his plans. Lance figures an affair is justified because Gloria doesn't meet his needs.
Enshrouded by smoke screens of justification, secrecy and deception, any marriage can find itself in this state of affairs. What exactly is adultery -- a one-night stand that was "just a mistake" or a long-term affair "just for sex"? Does infidelity include only what happens "under the covers" and exclude what happens online? Can pulling away from your mate in thought or attitude also constitute unfaithfulness?
The power of an affair lies in its secrecy and deception. We overlook that a secret shared can bond us to a stranger and distance us from a spouse from whom the secret is kept. We fail to understand that adultery is only a visible symptom of an invisible breach of trust that ruptures the marital covenant long before an affair begins.
Adultery or Infidelity
Infidel derives from the Latin term infidelis, meaning one who is unbelieving or unfaithful. In a marital relationship, an infidel is one who does not keep faith with and no longer believes in the original covenant or joint goals of the marriage. Infidelity is an act of disloyalty that occurs within the marriage, breaching a trust, breaking an agreement and betraying the parties to a relationship. It feeds on deception and secrecy.
The word adultery originates in the Latin adulterium, meaning voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her spouse. Adultery is a sexual act that occurs outside the marriage. Adultery is both a biblical term and a legal term.
As adultery gains acceptance, the euphemisms used to describe it are weakening. Adultery is often soft-pedaled with guiltless phrases like fooling around, bed-hopping, sleeping around or having a fling.
Rarely is unfaithfulness considered anything more than a one-night stand that was "just a mistake" or a long-term affair "just for sex."
Indecent Proposals on the Increase
"Fooling around" is big business. Sex sells. Extramarital affairs provide plots for books, fodder for tabloid news and box office hits for movie moguls. With affairs thriving at out-of-town business conventions, San Francisco's Cliff Hotel now stocks "intimacy kits" with condoms in its mini-bars, as one in five conventioneers claim to check their inhibitions when they check into a hotel.
Private investigators and manufacturers of spy cameras and transmitters profit from tracking suspected adulterers; so do computer wizards hired to retrieve electronic correspondence for evidence in divorce cases.
Cybersex web sites are cashing in. The Internet brings together a vast audience of lonely people with unmet needs and unbridled fantasies in an environment of anonymity -- the precise climate where infidelity thrives.
The specter of infidelity looms large over marriages today. Even though we think an affair will never affect us, we cannot ignore the following:
· 85 percent of us say we believe in monogamy and are reading books on how to affair-proof our marriages, but we are also purchasing books and movie tickets that glorify affairs.
· 84 percent of men and 78 percent of women find their "extramarital attachment" in a coworker, former lover, neighbor or friend. "Work is a danger zone," says therapist Shirley Glass.
· Psychologists claim 90 percent of marriages that end in divorce involve adultery, and with the divorce rate among Christians exceeding non-Christians, Christian marriage is not a guarantee that a spouse won't cheat.
· Surveys of men differ. Some claim 60 percent cheat; others, say 75 percent. The rate among Christian men who have had an affair is estimated at 30 percent, with a greater number who had considered it.
· Some studies say more women are having more affairs than ever before in history. Others say women are twice as faithful as men.
The statement that everybody has affairs is a myth, according to Atlanta psychiatrist and family therapist Frank Pittman. He says, "Marital fidelity remains the norm in that most marital partners are faithful most of the time." But he adds, "There may be as many acts of infidelity in our society as there are traffic accidents," altering society's perception about it because we are no longer able "to enforce a rule that the majority of people break."
No Longer a Stigma
Sex outside of marriage no longer has the same stigma it once had in our private or public lives, in the community or the courtroom. The Clinton sex scandals of the 1990s spotlight society's indifference, revealing that people differ over what is sex and that many view adultery as relative instead of deviant.
· Since the late 1960s, marriage has come to be seen as a temporary business partnership; the dissolution of marriage is no longer considered a breach of duty as in a tort case but as a breach of contract. Under "no fault," one spouse can unilaterally divorce the other without the former grounds of adultery, cruelty or desertion. In 14 states, evidence of adultery cannot be presented. In most states, the adulterer incurs no penalty when alimony and child custody are determined or property is divided. "In all states, the adulterer has just as much standing to sue for divorce as the 'innocent' party," says Herbert Jacob, author of Silent Revolution: The Transformation of Divorce Law in the United States. "Even if the innocent party objects, no barrier exists to their getting a divorce."
· Contemporary articles in men's magazines claim that an affair makes a man a better lover,
revives a dull marriage and lessens a midlife crisis. Penthouse, Playboy and Hustler reinforce men's
fantasies with nude photographs of seductive women with "The Look."
· Current women's magazines convey the message that a man will stray unless a woman maintains "The Look" -- a fit-no-fat voluptuous body, sexy hair, revealing clothing, pouting lips and a titillating "come-hither" pose. Rrecent cover copy from Redbook, Ladies Home Journal, Glamour and Cosmopolitan pressure women to perform: "Hot New Sex Position Guaranteed to Bring You Closer"; "Is Your Man Happy in Bed?"; "21st-Century Sex Do's & Don'ts; Ultra Orgasms, Love Positions, Lust advice.com" and "Cosmo Sex School: Study up on seduction. Learn new tricks with your lips. Earn an A+ under the covers. Now go to the head of his class."
· One role of the Internet in the future will be as a source of affairs, predicts Peggy Vaughn, an America Online expert on Internet infidelity. Now in the secrecy of your home, you can surf for pornography any hour of the day or night. You are free to visit Internet chat rooms and cultivate online relationships that can quickly go over the line. Not only are you able to disguise your identity, but you can imagine the other person to be anybody you want them to be.
"Stay-at-home moms in chat rooms are sharing all this personal stuff they are hiding from their partners," Vaughn says. She knows of women "who have left their marriages before they have even met" their online lover.
Many people justify online affairs as not "real" reality but "virtual" reality -- a state of mind where disbelief must be suspended. They blur the line between the truth and a lie by calling it fantasy. A former executive for the Infoseek website, who directed the Walt Disney Company's Go Network of Internet pages, argued in federal court that his crime of sending lewd messages to a teenager in a chat room was not a real crime but "only a virtual crime" because the Internet is all about fantasy.
Futurists like Ray Kurzweil, an artificial intelligence computer expert, predicts by 2019 most people will have "a booth-like contraption" in their homes for virtual sex to dial up a digitally enhanced partner they can interact with. Computerized neural implants will be available much like those used by today's Parkinson's Disease patients that will attach themselves to nerve fibers in the brain. "These nanobots will shut down our real senses and compute what you'd see, hear and feel in the virtual environment," says Kurzweil. "You'll be able to experience sex as a man or a woman, or both at the same time, and with a real or virtual person."
The Mind As Gatekeeper
The first step toward adultery takes place in the mind. Intimacy with someone not your spouse does not happen overnight but occurs in
increments. One can stray in thought or attitude yet appear committed to the marriage. Visions of romance without responsibility are always appealing.
Jeff Klippenes, a pastor and Marriage-Family-Child Counselor in the San Francisco Bay Area, believes the mind has to be anchored, because no marital relationship can compete with the illusion and passion of a forbidden affair. He says, "There's tremendous tension between the morality issue, the intrigue and suspense and the mythology of finding your soul mate."
Comparing an affair to living life with surround sound intensity in a technicolor world, Klippenes says, "The same neurological network is carrying the senses. You can't discriminate if this is good enough, real or imagined. Affairs are not about sex but the seeking of pleasure and managing fears, deception and delusion. They occur where fantasy and needs intersect."
Adultery is a choice, not an irresistible biological urge or an environmental bent. We buy into the mind set that we are inclined to cheat because cultural noise drowns out the truth -- that marriage is not just about two people legitimately living together to have sex but is an integration of body, mind, heart and spirit. C.S. Lewis puts it this way, "The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union."
Why Men and Women Cheat
Perhaps we partition off and elevate sex to utmost importance because that need is quickly gratified, while an all-inclusive relationship requires work. The danger is that our physical and emotional longings cannot discriminate between right and wrong. Most married people know what is right and choose to do it; but some act immorally -- telling lies and keeping secrets from their mates that lead to affairs -- because it flatters their egos and feels good.
"Some men cheat for the same reason they speed when driving -- they like it," says Paul Blanchard, author of Why Men Cheat. "They may have a wonderful sex life at home, and their wife may be the best lover in the whole world."
Women are said to cheat for emotional intimacy. John, who is struggling to keep his 13-year marriage together, says that after his wife saw the movie Runaway Bride with her single girlfriends, she announced, "I feel just like that woman. I need somebody to make me happy like that."
Dr. Pittman believes some people want "the magic of romance" more than they want to be married. "The issue [fidelity] is not one of emotion, but one of choice, whether the commitment of marriage has or has not been abandoned," he says. "Infidelity is a symptom of a problem having to do with the ego state of the person having the affair rather than the person against whom the infidelity is being committed" and does not prove the marriage is loveless, that the betrayed spouse is less attractive, has failed or is to blame for the affair.
Factors at the root of the inclination-to-cheat theory include male and/or female midlife crisis, the couple married too young, and man by nature is not monogamous. "I'm married but not dead" is a familiar albeit acceptable male boast that implies, "My eyes and options remain open."
Commitment to Fidelity
Fidelity is a personal commitment necessary for a relationship to flourish. Lewis Smedes, professor of Theology and Philosophy of Religion at Fuller Theological Seminary, defines fidelity as the single ingredient that stamps a sexual partnership as a marriage. Like love and forgiveness, fidelity is not a feeling but an act of the will. Fidelity means that you determine to remain faithful to the original covenant, joint goals of your marriage and to your spouse. Fidelity is a promise your mind makes and your heart keeps; it is lived in the choices of each day.
"Christian marriage rests upon more than an initial covenant; it rests upon the fidelity of each spouse to the other," says Dwight Small, professor emeritus of Westmont College. "Adultery, upon which we tend to place such singular emphasis, represents an external (visible) breach. An internal (invisible) breach in thought or attitude can also break the covenant. It is known only to the one who is secretly pulling away. But if left to continue the process becomes irreversible in time, except for God's intervention."
Betrayed spouses confirm that the discovery their mate lied is more devastating than the affair. Some say it is easier to forgive a one-time affair than a long-term pattern of deception. As they live with the consequences of having been married to an infidel and an adulterer -- from health risks to a family breakup -- many question whether their spouse ever told them the truth.
Frank Pittman's research validates that the marriage relationship is destroyed more by secrecy and lies than adultery. "Adultery may be against the law or against God's will," he says, "but infidelity is against the marriage and is a more relevant and more personal danger."
After the Affair, Then What?
An affair means that neither spouse wins. The consequences of infidelity are perpetual; and as for adultery, the stigma stays. Both infidelity and adultery erode trust. The betrayed spouse feels anger, humiliation and rejection since the adulterer conveys a loud message that his/her mate is not enough. At first, the adulterer is entrenched in denial; but, in time, may feel guilt and shame. Children born of this union lose trust not only in the parent who cheats but in marriage itself, as their template for a committed relationship is shattered. Some lose trust in God.
After more than 20 years as a therapist, Klippenes believes we are often more concerned about the death of the relationship than the emotional and spiritual death of the individuals within the relationship. Although he tells rejected spouses that the default setting is always to trust God in the process, he says, "There's a fine line between trusting God and waiting in a crazy-making situation, losing your grip on sanity in a marriage that's distorted and lifeless. Nothing is moral about a divorce; it's breaching of a covenant like adultery, but God is a God of new beginnings. We need to realize that God isn't still sitting in the Garden of Eden praying and trusting that the first couple will come back to him. No. He adapted to reality and moved on. Grace says, 'You blew it, kid. Now you get to do over.'"
To adulterers, he says: "There's no hope for healing, meaning or purpose in your marriage or your life unless you take a reality check, give up control, become accountable and makes amends.
If the topic of infidelity and adultery makes you uncomfortable, you are not alone. We squirm because we all know someone who has been betrayed, and we are afraid it could happen to us. It is not a case of "them" and "us." We have all kept secrets and told lies.
But God is always calling us -- and those who deceive and reject us -- back into relationship with him. Jesus Christ is our way back. He alone offers the belonging and acceptance we long for and the validation and attachment we need to fully live. Inherent in any state of affair is an opportunity to "do over" as we put God back on the throne of our lives, seek the Truth and become more honest in our relationships than we ever were before.
Kari West writes from experience. She is co-author of When He Leaves. "DivorceWise," an online newsletter for women, is available free at her website: www.gardenglories.com or by writing P.O. Box 11692, Pleasanton, CA 94568.
by Stephen Lim
I care about my husband, Jack, but I don't have any romantic feelings for him," Jessica shared. "I met Bill at work," she continued, "and feel strongly attracted to him." Busy in their careers, Jessica and Jack had let their relationship drift. During lunches with Bill, Jessica shared personal problems, and growing emotional attraction led to passionate embrace.
Jessica knew what the Bible taught about marital faithfulness. She served as a leader in her church and had helped her family members to discover God's love and forgiveness. Now she struggled between what she wanted and what she knew was right.
Many reasons contribute to the frequency of moral failure among those who know better. These include society's low standards for sexual conduct, the pervasive penetration of these values through the media and the smog of self-gratification blanketing our culture. We often fail, moreover, to install safeguards for preventing adultery. When husband and wife apply seven strategies, they help to affair-proof their marriage.
1. Develop a Fulfilling Marriage
When couples become too busy with work or children, they take one another for granted. The lack of affirmation, meaningful communication or sexual satisfaction bring frustration.
Couples must nurture their relationship (Ephesians 5:33). On a regular basis they need to spend enjoyable times together and learn how to share in a deeper way.
2. Guard Your Mind
Martin Luther said, "You cannot prevent a bird from flying over your head, but you can prevent it from building a nest in your hair." We are not responsible for improper thoughts that slip into our minds without consent, but we do not have to dwell on them. Nor should we voluntarily expose ourselves to such thoughts.
Whenever an impure thought seeks residence in our brains, we need to have something ready to replace it. Negatively comparing our spouse with others is unhealthy. We easily view others in a more attractive light, for we see them on occasions where they are at their best -- well-groomed, attractively dressed and charming. In contrast, we've seen our mate at his or her worst -- unkempt, grubbily attired and angry.
3. Rehearse the Consequences
Rehearse the unacceptable and tragic consequences of an affair. First, we grieve God by sinning against him (Psalms 51:4). Secondly, we wound our spouse and loved ones, while risking the loss of marriage and family. We also damage our influence with our children. Third, we destroy the credibility of our spiritual witness, while bringing shame to the cause of Christ. Finally, the person with whom we are involved suffers similar difficulties.
4. Recognize Early Warning Signs
Marriage doesn't immunize us from being attracted to the opposite sex. When we experience the indicators of attraction, however, we need to avoid thoughts that nurture it and actions which might deepen the relationship.
5. Avoid Time Alone and Emotional Intimacy
Jessica's affair began innocently by lunching with a coworker. Spending time together alone can ignite unplanned sparks of emotional attraction. Sharing problems and deeper feelings with someone guarantees it.
Are we to avoid friendship with the opposite sex if we are married? A safe approach is to develop such friendships only if our spouse shares equally in the relationship.
6. Recognize Times of Vulnerability
When life becomes routine and dull, some seek excitement in a forbidden relationship. Times of discouragement or frustration call for caution, for they prompt a greater need for emotional comfort and closeness. Someone who affirms us and indicates that we are appealing triggers a strong attraction. Unmet needs leave us vulnerable to an empathetic person. At midlife many who have neglected emotional intimacy realize their need for it and seek it where they can. As some sense their youth slipping away, an affair provides reassurance of their attractiveness.
7. Develop Your Relationship with God
Just as we can take our marriage for granted, if we are not careful, the same happens in our relationship with God. When spiritual life becomes a routine instead of a vital reality, we lose the moral sensitivity and energy needed to resist temptation. We are foolish if we simply hope that we will not be tempted by adultery, or presume that "it can't happen to me." We must act to affair-proof our marriages.
Freelance author, Stephen Lim, lives in San Francisco, California.
by J. Sheen
According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, children whose parents are divorcing often suffer from depression, sleep disturbance, loss of self-esteem, poor academic performance, behavioral regression and a host of other physical and emotional problems. Here are seven ways parents can help kids deal with divorce.
1) Give children permission to express feelings. Do not underestimate the toll divorce exacts from some children. Almost 50 percent of children whose parents divorce show signs of psychological trauma during the first year after the event, according to a 1994 policy statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics. Boys become aggressive. Girls get depressed. Both sexes are more likely to develop drug and alcohol problems. One effective way to ease the impact of divorce on children is to give them permission to express feelings.
Children will feel a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions: guilt, anger, embarrassment, frustration, sadness, depression. If the child wants to talk about the absent parent, let him or her do so. Allow them to share their feelings about the divorce even if you are uncomfortable hearing those expressions.
2) Reassure children the divorce is not their fault. Be diligent in frequently reminding children they are loved and they did nothing to cause the breakup. Do your best to convey this single important message: We're divorcing each other, but we're not divorcing you!
3) Never disparage your former spouse in front of the children. When it comes to an ex-spouse, follow this instruction from the apostle Paul: "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6). While there will be differences of opinion and some arguments between divorcing adults, these conflicts do not need to be harmful to the children. "Keep parents' disagreements between the two of you," is the advice offered by Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., associate director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Southern California and author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart. Treat the other parent with respect and dignity. Avoid making derogatory statements about the other parent in the presence of the child.
4) Accept that your child has a right to both parents. Do not be seduced by the temptation to withhold visitation rights when disagreements with your ex-spouse emerge. Regardless of what transpires between you and your spouse after a divorce, always operate on the understanding that your child has a right to both parents. Apply this principle even if child support payments are late or unpaid. "As important as child support payments are, children should not be kept from seeing a parent because the payment has not been made," declares Florence Bienfeld, Ph.D., a Los Angeles marriage and family counselor and author of Helping Your Child Succeed After Divorce. "Money issues and parent-child relationship issues are separate and should be kept separate. If they are not, children not only lose financial support but also valuable and needed time with a parent. This is a double punishment for your child," she writes.
5) Practice the fine art of compromise. There is much wisdom in this proverb: "It is better to lose the saddle than the horse." Divorced couples need to settle disagreements through compromise rather than confrontation and retaliation. Practice the fine art of compromise. Settle disagreements through flexibility. Utilize a give-and-take approach.
6) Don't place children in emotional crossfire. Some divorcing parents do their children a great injustice by placing them in the middle of conflicts and disagreements. Avoid these scenarios:
· Pumping children for information about the other parent.
· Using children to carry messages back and forth.
· Making children deliver child support payments.
· Arguing in front of children.
· Speaking derogatorily about the other parent.
· Putting children in the position of having to take sides.
7) Be patient with yourself and your children. Pray for your children, asking God to pour healing graces upon them. Live with the divine assurance that the wounds created by divorce will heal, but it will take time and effort. With love, patience and prayer your child will adjust, adapt and continue to grow in knowledge, skills and healthy independence.
J. Sheen is an ordained minister who lives in Oklahoma.
by Victor Parachin
In a stress rating scale established by researchers at the University of Washington School of Medicine, divorce is the second highest source of stress. The only higher stress source is the death of a spouse. While it is true that divorce is hard, it is possible to reduce the stress, recover from the pain and feel normal again. Here are some ways to help yourself heal from the wounds of divorce and rebuild your life.
· Begin by practicing the healing art of forgiveness. Divorcing couples should let their words and actions be guided by these words from the apostle Paul: "You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others" (Colossians 3:13, New Living Translation). Although extending forgiveness is seldom easy, especially in the situation of marital separation and divorce, forgiveness is the pathway out of anger, hostility and bitterness.
· Adopt a survivor's attitude. "The world breaks everyone, then some become strong at the broken places," wrote Ernest Hemingway in A Farewell To Arms. Even though your divorce hurts and leaves you feeling devastated, make the decision to move from being a victim to a victor. Determine in your mind that you will become strong "at the broken places." Adopt a survivor's attitude. Psychologist Ann Kaiser Stearns has extensively studied men and women who overcame horrific tragedies in their lives. In her book, Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives After Crisis and Loss, Dr. Kaiser Stearns identifies the following traits as common to those who survive trauma.
· I will vividly examine the future.
· I will not be defeated.
· I will take advantage of available opportunities.
· Nobody's perfect.
· There must be some meaning to be found in these events.
· I will not assume the victim posture.
· I can do it if I set my mind.
· I have to be willing to expand.
· I will accept life's challenge.
Carefully review her list and apply them to your own situation. No matter how complex and difficult your divorce may be, begin with the firm resolve that you will overcome.
· Accentuate the positive and modify the negative stereotypes. Be guided by Paul who urges Christians to replace negative thoughts and feelings with ones which are positive: "Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise" (Philippians 4:8, New Living Translation). Don't buy into negative stereotypes. View your life positively in spite of divorce.
· Delay romantic involvements for at least two years. Most therapists advise against becoming involved in a serious romantic involvement for at least two years following the end of a marriage. Thomas A. Whiteman, Ph.D., president of Life Counseling Services in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, explains: "Although every situation is different, I usually recommend that a divorced person stay out of new romantic relationships for at least two years after the breakup. During recovery, such people are extremely vulnerable. They need to focus on full recovery and emotional wholeness. When hurried by a new love, healing doesn't happen properly. It's like a broken bone that is set improperly: It may have to be broken again in order to heal right. Rebound relationships usually just cause more pain."
· Exercise. Physical activity is a mood elevator. "Exercise is a way of doing something positive for yourself -- often a first step toward breaking the cycle of depression," notes Stanford University psychiatrist C. Barr Taylor. Recent studies show that people who exercise regularly are less likely to be depressed. James Blumenthal, professor of medical psychology at Duke University, says: "For some clinically depressed patients, exercise is as effective as the best medications we have."
· Reach out and help other people. Do something to help someone else. Encourage a friend who is struggling. Volunteer your time at a school, a civic or religious organization. Doing so brings you several benefits. First, you will take the focus off yourself. Secondly, you will have less time to brood and worry because more of your time is filled helping others. Thirdly, you will experience what is called a "helper's high," the good feeling experienced when reaching out to someone less fortunate. The simple truth is that in helping others we actually help ourselves.
· Finally, be patient with yourself. Keep in mind the wisdom of Shakespeare: "How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees." Be as kind, patient and nurturing toward yourself as you would be to another hurting person. Rest assured that hurting will turn into healing and pain will give way to peace.
Ordained minister Victor Parachin contributes to a variety of magazines and newspapers and is the author of several books.