May/June 2000

What's A Parent To Do?

Helping Young People Through the Real World

by Dan Schaeffer

He came back almost instantly with a sheepish look on his face. Chagrined, he pointed to the insert containing the words, and there was a picture of a scantily clad young woman. He hadn't seen it yet and was clearly embarrassed. I told him I hoped he could get his money back from his friend. Predictably, his friend had already spent the money. My son learned a valuable eight-dollar lesson.

Children Under Attack

I find myself spending more and more time warning my children of the dangers facing them--dangers I never faced growing up. We had no Internet, the lyrics to the most popular songs weren't so vile, and gory video games hadn't been invented yet. Setting rules for your children in a society that delights in breaking those rules can make you unpopular. This is the part of parenting that is no fun.

It can be so tempting to just say, "Okay, buy the CD or the game, and surf the Net--just be careful." But that doesn't work. Our kids can't always spot the danger until it's too late. That's what parents are for. The truth is, I really do trust my children. It is the children they will come in contact with and parents with different values that I don't always trust.

From the Internet to video games and music, there is danger out there for our kids, and it is coming from all directions. It is hopeless to believe we can insulate our children from these dangers.

Online Dangers

With the sudden advent of the Internet, people and ideas are closer to our children than ever before. According to a prominent hate watchdog group, the number of hate groups on the worldwide web jumped last year from 163 to 254.

But the danger online is even more insidious than that. In one year alone the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children documented more than a dozen cases of cyberspace seduction by pedophiles.

While most Internet servers have parental controls, many parents never engage them, unaware of the danger online.

Young children imitate actions they observe without always realizing their dangerous capacity. Recently, a four-year-old child killed a 15-month-old baby, apparently imitating moves they were watching on a pro-wrestling videotape. It is difficult for young children to separate fantasy from reality.

I recently walked with my children through a local mall. My son was attracted to a video monitor where he played a video game with another young man. While the video wasn't bloody, it conveyed the idea that you could use these deadly weapons on someone, and they would just "bounce back up."

Don't "Play it Again Sam"

The music our children listen to has become a battlefield as well. Gone are the days when we could sit in our car and sing along with Psalty, or Little Mermaid, or Beauty and the Beast. Now that they are older, they want to listen to bands they know little about and lyrics they don't pay close attention to. American teenagers listen to approximately 10,500 hours of rock music between 7th and 12th grade alone--just 500 hours less than they spend in school over 12 years.

It would be easy to try and keep my children away from these evil influences, but no such place exists anymore.

Why We Haven't "Circled the Wagons"

It is tempting to adopt a fortress mentality and "circle the wagons" in fear, removing all the CDs, getting rid of the Nintendo and the Internet. We choose not to for several reasons. First of all, they are going to hear the music that is popular. They are going to be exposed to many of the violent video games by friends. Moreover, they are going to be in danger on the Internet, since it is undeniably a part of their future in an increasingly computerized age.

But, perhaps more importantly, we want them to make the decision to turn off the song, get rid of the game and stay away from the dangerous website on their own. Before our children leave home, we want them to be prepared, not just scared. While there are many great dangers out there, they are no match for the Holy Spirit within.

So, we let them listen to the radio (within certain parameters), play non-violent video games and use the Internet under our strict supervision. But, we also spend a lot of time with our kids in the Word of God, reading it, studying it, asking questions about it. Music, video games and the Internet provide a wonderful opportunity to apply the scriptures our kids have been learning. They become the training ground upon which our children's faith must now be lived out.

As a result, our children are making their own decisions as to what they will see or listen to. They are learning how to be holy in the midst of an unholy world. Our fear can be replaced with confidence "because the one who is in you is greater, than the one who is in the world" (1 John 4:4). 

Dan Schaeffer is senior pastor of Foothills Evangelical Free Church in Rancho Santa Margarita, California.

What Teens Want You to Know

by Judith Hayes

Have you ever stopped and wondered what your teenager and the teens of our country are thinking, feeling and dreaming about? Have you wished you were a fly on the wall during one of your teens 'private' telephone conversations? Do you yearn to take a peek into their complex minds and often shielded hearts?

I have spent the last year sitting in high-school youth groups with hundreds of passionate and searching teenagers.

Most of our youth are not preoccupied with famous clothing labels or fancy expensive cars. They don't want to be preached at or reminded of their failures and inadequacies.

They long for acceptance and love; the kind they find in one another's hugs, concern and laughter. They need kind words and compliments from their dedicated youth leaders. They aspire to be the next leaders of our nation and leaders in the body of Christ. But they need our support, love and leadership.

Parent Alert

Parents: Please pay attention! Your teens are whispering to you in silent sighs. They are cautiously trying to reveal their hearts to you. Will you stop, be quiet and listen? Will you humble your hearts and reach out to your teenagers?

I have visited church youth groups from many Christian denominations. I have been privileged to talk to and hear from the next generation of adults. Our teens resent being labeled 'Generation X'! They want to be recognized as worthwhile and unique individuals, as young adults capable of great things. 'Generation X' means generation nothing to today's teens, and they want to be something. They long for respect from their teachers, friends and especially from their mothers and fathers.

As you read the following questions and quotes from teens, prepare to be humbled, shocked and amazed by the words of our frustrated and hurting youth.

The Bible says in Matthew 12:34, "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."

Whatever our teens are hurt about or struggling with will leak out. It will be exposed by their attitudes, behavior, decisions, relationships and even in their isolation-withdrawal-silence. They can spot a religious phony or hypocrite a mile away. If they can't trust you and unload their heartaches and burdens with you, they will look elsewhere for their needs to be met. If we are lucky, they will seek out the wise counsel from a mature adult or church youth pastor, but we can't count on that.

Parents: You are living in a "bubble of denial" if you believe that church will provide all of your teen's emotional and spiritual needs. Our school systems, public and private, and our churches are "maxed out." You, and you alone, can provide the unconditional love that your children need.

Questions for Parents

Read the following questions, and ask yourselves honestly how you respond. Each question is followed by a teen quote.

1.Am I able to be a good listener when my teen speaks to me?

Millicent--13 years old: "Teens really want their parents to just listen and talk with them. Just ask us how our day was. They will really appreciate it. Communication is very important."

2.Do I tend to give out "parental advice" and preachy biblical solutions rather than listen with an empathetic tender heart?

Davina--17 years old: "I would like parents to know that your kids do listen to what you say. At the same time, actions speak louder than words, so be a good example for us. Teach kids rules when they are young so they can have good habits when they get older. It is hard to change, so don't expect it to be a quick process. Remember--always love, accept and appreciate everything your teens do."

3.Do I work to gain my teen's trust so they will feel safe enough to confide in me?

Eric--16 years old: "If you want your teen to laugh with you, act hip. If you want your teen to ignore you, don't enforce any rules. If you want your teen to despise you, change your rules and be a hypocrite. If you want your teen to trust you, be a friend. If you want your teen to be a son or daughter, show them you have the guts, wisdom and love to be their parent."

4. Do I minimize my teen's fears, insecurities, problems and feelings?

Sam--14 years old: "Some parents will love their kids and just tell them. They will drive them to school and sports. However, when their kids are hurting, they don't seem to care or have the time for us. Learn to show compassion at the right time. Love is a verb; live it."

5.Do I react when my teen talks to me by judging or trying to fix him/her?

Stella--15 years old: "Love me. Be proud of me. Help me. Encourage me. Ask me questions. Be fair. Listen. Spend time with me. Don't yell at me. Don't judge me. Be there for me."

6.Am I able to show my teen that I value and respect them as an individual?

Nick--14 years old: "Kids are the world's future. Everybody was once a kid. If you don't give the teens of today the proper love, hope, guidance, education and respect, then there will be no strong leaders in the future. Everyone thinks we are 'Generation X' and that all we can do is screw up. But if just a few people will influence us to be good, to try hard and to have faith in God then maybe we can succeed."

7.Do I compliment, hug and kiss my teen at least once every day?

Denise--17 years old: "Don't always just say how much you love your kids. Show us!"

8.Can I listen to my teen's anger without defending myself and taking things personally?

Garrett--15 years old: "I would like parents to know that some of us actually try and put forth the effort to be obedient and stay on track with God, but just like everyone we stumble and fall. We hate it when our parents make us seem like total failures."

9.Am I able to be an honest, imperfect and humble human being with my teen?

Regina--17 years old: "If you are real with us, we'll be real with you."

10.Am I emotionally available to my teen on a consistent daily basis?

Vanie--17 years old: "If there was one thing I would tell you about understanding teens it is that we want you to act like parents. Be the best friend to your teen while they are going through the most tough and confusing time in their lives. Get close to them, and open up to them as we try to open up to you. Build trust with us so we can learn to respect, admire and follow you. We desperately need you even though we might not say it. Believe me, I do."

If you're like me, you may feel woefully inadequate after reading what our teens are thinking and feeling. But that's all right. You're not alone, nor is it too late to change. All it requires is an open, teachable heart and a desire to learn and practice new skills. Never ever give up on your teen! Don't withhold your love from them for any reason. Answers may not come today or even tomorrow, but God is listening, and he loves our teen-agers more than we can imagine.

Judith Hayes is a freelance writer and mother of two who lives and works in California.

Talking About Tough Issues

by Victor Parachin

A mother from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, tells of arranging a funeral for her "beautiful 21-year-old daughter." The cause of death: AIDS. "A parent could not have wished for a more loving, talented and motivated child," she says. A moment of youthful indiscretion and recklessness caused her to contract the AIDS virus. The young man with whom she hoped to spend the rest of her life also became infected. The emotional impact on that woman's family was considerable. "You cannot imagine the toll this has taken on our entire family. She had three younger siblings, the youngest being 11 years old. Our heartbreak and sorrow have been overwhelming." Not only did the mother have to deal with her daughter's illness, but she had to explain AIDS to the younger siblings: how it is contracted, how it can be prevented and the terrible end result when AIDS cannot be successfully treated.

That woman is a prime example of the fact that today's children face a wide range of tough issues--death, divorce, terrorism, drugs, alcoholism, sex, homosexuality, war, famine, sexual abuse, suicide and AIDS. Teaching children about the "real world" is harder than ever. Here are ways to talk about tough issues so that your kids will listen and learn.

·Avoid these common mistakes. In their book, Counseling Techniques That Work, W.W. Dyer and J. Friend offer a succinct list of things to avoid when talking to young people about tough issues:

"DON'T"

• preach
• ramble
• complicate the simple
• talk down
• intellectualize
• indulge in jargon
• monopolize
• keep attempting to convince
• use sarcasm
• mumble
• hint at but never specify
• endlessly contradict yourself or give double messages
• never really mean or take responsibility for what you say
• insist on the validity of your own interpretations
• communicate one line while living another.

·Maintain openness with your children. Do all you can to convey to your children that you are open and available to hear their questions on any topic at any time. If children sense parents are not available to listen to them and their concerns, they will seek answers from their peers and frequently acquire inaccurate information.

·Become an authority. Before giving advice, know what you're talking about. Child psychologist Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D., in his book, How To Talk To Children About Really Important Things, advises: "....Your opinion will be more credible if you offer supporting evidence instead of just stating your view."

·Listen to the little stuff. Harvard Medical School psychologist Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D., says: "Kids will talk to you if they know you're going to listen. Sometimes they will talk about heavy issues like sex and drugs. Other times--most times--they'll talk about everyday things like schoolwork, their friends and what's for dinner. If your kids know you're listening to the little things, they're more likely to trust you enough to talk about the big things." Don't rush your children or appear impatient as they speak.

·Be clear and concise. Get right to the point. Use simple, concrete language which is age-appropriate to your child. Children must not be overloaded and overwhelmed with explanations. They need and want simple, straight-forward answers.

·Employ thought-provoking questions. This is effective when you need to challenge a child's behavior or give a different perspective. Robert Schwebel, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist specializing in substance abuse. In his book, Saying No Is Not Enough, he offers a list of questions which he uses in talking with teenagers involved in substance abuse:

• Is there another side to this?
• Do you worry about your drug use?
• Do you feel your drug use may be out of control?
• Have you thought about the potential dangers?
• Do you see any risks?
• Do you have any concerns?

·Apologize when you are wrong. Some issues will trigger strong emotions in you as a parent. There can be a strong temptation to overreact or respond harshly and angrily. If that happens, quickly admit you were wrong, apologize, and ask to re-start the conversation.

·Communicate your values. Rather than bombard a child with "facts," convey your own personal values and ethics. Values are caught rather than taught. Let your children see your values in action. Let your deeds match your creeds. If you believe honesty is important, let your children see you deal honestly. 

Oklahoma resident Victor Parachin is an ordained minister, a freelance writer and the author of several books.

Hidden Dangers of "The New Tolerance"

excerpted and condensed from The New Tolerance

by Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler

Many parents don't realize that their children are speaking a different language. To some extent this has always been true; the slang and speech of youth have baffled generation after generation of parents from the days of Mark Twain and before. But the language differences between parent and child today are much more dangerous than youthful slang.

A similar gap in understanding is taking place in our contemporary understanding of tolerance. Today's doctrine of "new tolerance" goes far beyond the traditional definition of the word.

Webster's defines tolerate as "to recognize and respect [others' beliefs, practices, etc.] without sharing them," and "to bear or put up with [someone or something not especially liked]." This attitude is basically what Paul expressed in 1 Corinthians 13:7, when he said that love "endureth all things" (KJV).

Traditional tolerance is perfectly compatible with such scriptural commands because the traditional understanding of tolerance has meant:

·respecting and protecting the legitimate rights of others, even those with whom you disagree and those who are different from you.

·listening to and learning from other perspectives, cultures and backgrounds.

·living peaceably alongside others, in spite of differences.

·accepting other people, regardless of their race, creed, nationality or sex.

Traditional tolerance values, respects and accepts the individual without necessarily approving of or participating in his or her beliefs or behavior.

New Tolerance

The new tolerance may sound like traditional tolerance, but it is vastly different. As Stanley J. Grenz points out in his book, A Primer to Postmodernism, this new tolerance is based on the unbiblical belief that "truth is relative to the community in which a person participates. And since there are many human communities, there are necessarily many different truths."

And, as Don Closson of Probe Ministries elaborates, "Since there are multiple descriptions of reality, no one view can be true in an ultimate sensesince truth is described by language, and all language is created by humans, all truth is created by humans."

If all truth is created by humans, and all humans are "created equal" (as the American Declaration of Independence says), then what is the logical next step? It is this: All "truth" is equal.

The new tolerance says that what every individual believes or says is equally right, equally valid. All values are equal. All lifestyles are equal. All truth claims are equal.

But the Bible makes it clear that all values, beliefs, lifestyles and truth claims are not equal. It teaches that the God of the Bible is the true God (Jeremiah 10:10), that all his words are true (Psalm 119:160), and that if something is not right in God's sight, it is wrong (Deuteronomy 6:18).

An extensive study revealed that the majority of kids (57 percent) in strong, evangelical churches already believe what the new tolerance is teaching. And it is getting worse: Recent research indicates that, while less than half of the people of retirement age today believe that there is "no unchanging ethical standard of right and wrong," nearly four in five eighteen- to thirty-four-year-olds espouse that unbiblical view.

Hip Hip Hooray?

In order to be truly tolerant (according to the new tolerance), you must agree that another person's position is just as valid as your own.

What does this do to your child's view of truth? It undermines the very essence and meaning of absolute truth. And any person who no longer believes in absolute truth will lose his or her moral compass, his or her ability to distinguish between right and wrong. And the child--or adult--who cannot distinguish right from wrong will be powerless to resist temptation and choose right.

The new tolerance has created a climate in which people can no longer say that the systematic murder of six million men, women and children is wrong! But the new tolerance's demand for praise and approval does not only affect how you and your children think; its impact will also be felt in how your children live.

Tolerating the New Tolerance

When the smokestacks at the paper mill first began churning their waste into the air over the small Midwestern town, the residents complained. The fine dust blanketed everything, they said, and the acrid smell was everywhere.

But the odor was the smell of money, the town fathers told them repeatedly. The offensive stench meant jobs for their sons and husbands. It promised prosperity and security.

"And besides," they said, "you'll get used to it."

And they did. After a couple of weeks, the smell was no longer sickening. In a few months, the residents didn't even notice it. The odorous output of the mill had become so pervasive, it had become unremarkable to those who were most affected by it day after day.

The fate of that town is a parable of the ideas that have come to permeate our society and impress themselves upon us from all sides. The new tolerance unrelentingly inserts itself subtly into our lives, via television images and song lyrics. Whether you know it or not, the deceptive doctrine of the new tolerance--and the accompanying idolatry it fosters--is all around you, seeping not only into your mind but into the minds of your children and other loved ones. And if we are not careful and alert, it will soon become unremarkable--and thus irresistible--to those who are most endangered by it. 

From The New Tolerance by Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler © 1998. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved.

Josh McDowell is an internationally known speaker and author who lives in Texas.

Bob Hostetler is a writer, editor and speaker who lives in Ohio.

Parent-free Zone

by John Leo

If you doubt that ideas have consequences, consider what happened to one very bad idea that came out of the 1960s--children's liberation.

As the civil rights movement broadened to include women and gays, children, too, were depicted as an oppressed minority in need of liberation. Radical feminists like Shulamith Firestone thought women and children were both victims and natural allies in the war against the patriarchy. "Young people's liberationists" viewed parental protectiveness as "an ideology of control." Popular writers like John Holt, author of Escape from Childhood, deplored the legal, social and psychological oppression of the young. One overheated legal scholar wrote that laws pertaining to teens looked like laws about runaway slaves.

But in America, ideological nonsense rarely just disappears. More often it is modified and adopted by assorted experts, then inflicted on the public by lawyers and bureaucrats. Ready or Not, a strong new book by Kay Hymowitz, a fellow at the Manhattan Institute, argues that this is what happened to the extreme philosophy of child liberation. It seeped into mainstream thinking as skepticism about childhood and a feeling that government should step in to free children from the "social captivity" imposed by parents and schools.

One sign of this mainstreaming was a proposal by Harvard law Professor Laurence Tribe to declare childhood "a semi-suspect classification." Another was the series of law articles published by Hillary Rodham in the mid-1970s proposing legal rights for children against parents including "decisions about motherhood and abortion, schooling, cosmetic surgery, treatment of venereal disease and employment." Rodham's views were not particularly radical. They simply reflected where children's-rights advocates were heading. The view of children as autonomous was putting heavy pressure on traditional views of family and child rearing.

Hymowitz argues that as child-liberation ideas entered the mainstream, they hardened into a philosophy she calls "anticulturalism"--the idea that socializing children and attempting to mold the character of the young is a wrongful use of power by the strong against the weak. Children should develop independently of the prevailing culture and even in opposition to it. This idea is radical because it forbids what all cultures have assumed they must do: transmit cultural values from one generation to the next.

Into the Family Room

Hymowitz demonstrates how widely this improbable philosophy has managed to spread. "Anticulturalism," she writes, "is the dominant ideology among child development experts, and it has filtered into the courts, into the schools, into the parenting magazines, into Hollywood and into our kitchens and family rooms." It boils down to the notion that children should be allowed to develop on their own; that parents and schools should stimulate and encourage but otherwise stay out of the way. The emergence of the moral self must not be quashed by what Harvard psychologist Carol Gilligan calls the "foreign voice-overs of adults." Children are not to be raised, but simply allowed to grow.

Anticulturalism has swamped the schools with fuzzy concepts like "discovery learning," "thinking strategies," "learner-centered math" and "learning to communicate mathematically" (as opposed to learning how to come up with correct answers).

This is the reigning view of the school establishment. A study by the Public Agenda research group found that only seven percent of education professors think teachers should just "enable students to learn on their own." Hymowitz thinks anticulturalism explains why bad schools fight so tenaciously to hold on to failed programs: They are more deeply interested in ideology than in results.

Her bleak view of what anticulturalism has done to child rearing seems more justified. The idea that children are inherently good and will develop morally all by themselves is out of sync with news about Columbine and increasingly violent crimes by 8- and 9-year-olds. Hymowitz thinks anticulturalism is producing disengaged children and Seinfeld-like "post-modern post-adolescents" who can't seem to grow up. This may be the natural result of a theory calling for parents to be moral and cultural bystanders in the lives of their children. 

JOHN LEO © by John Leo for U.S. News and World Report. Reprinted and condensed with permission of UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. All rights reserved.

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