May/June 2000

Successfully Single

Michelle McKinney Hammond
Explodes the "Single" Myth

by Karen Orfitelli

Is it possible for a 42-year-old woman who has always wanted to be married and have a family--yet remains single--to be genuinely content with life?

"Yes!" says Michelle McKinney Hammond without a second's hesitation. "Some days when I get up in the morning, I am overwhelmed because life is just too good!"

Michelle's words may sound a little overstated, but the truth is, her contagious enthusiasm for life is reflected in every word she speaks and every day she packs with dynamic events. This author of six books on love, femininity and what to do until love finds you is living proof that fulfillment is available--even when you don't get what you think you want from life.

Michelle spends her days writing, speaking and showing singles the door to genuine contentment. Not surprisingly, the question she most often receives is: "How can I get what you have?"

Prelude to Happiness

Hammond, whose warm voice bubbles with confidence, freely admits that she didn't just stumble onto the genuine joy she owns today. It eluded her for years while she journeyed through the corridors of self-doubt, unhealthy relationships and difficult life experiences--not to mention a nearly constant frustration at being single. Michelle was 20 years old when she made a conscious decision to follow God, but even though she was facing in the right direction, years of detours still lay ahead.

The foundation for Hammond's faith was poured early, despite a somewhat unconventional childhood. Born in London, her mother is from Barbados and her father from Ghana. Michelle was two when her parents divorced, and Michelle went to Barbados to live with relatives while her mom returned to England. When Michelle was seven, she moved to Michigan with her mother and new stepfather. There she attended Catholic school.

"My favorite time of day was when I went to Mass before school," Michelle shares. "I loved chapel and used to sneak into the church just to be alone. At the time, I didn't know what it was. Now I realize that it was God's presence that drew me in."

"By the time high school rolled around," she continues, "my attentions were elsewhere. I attended a Catholic high school that was top notch academically, but I didn't have that same spiritual sense. My attention was turned from God as I discovered other gifts, like theater and drama."

By the time Michelle attended college in Chicago, bigger (but not better) changes were taking place in her spiritual life. "God was not on my mind," she admits. "I was on my own, discovering my independence. My discoveries were about nightlife--running around and partying--all the things my mama wouldn't let me do in high school!"

At the age of twenty, however, Michelle's good times came to a screeching halt when her boyfriend was shot and killed during an altercation between two other men. "When he died, I was blindsided by the reality of eternity," Michelle says. "I had never thought about death up until that point."

Michelle quickly went from never thinking of death to thinking of little else. "I couldn't sleep at night, and emotionally I was dangling by a thread. After my boyfriend's death, I made it through the days by throwing myself into my work. At night, however, depression and suicidal thoughts assaulted me. I needed help but didn't know where to get it."

Michelle went back to the church she grew up in, but found it didn't soothe her troubled spirit.

"Then one day, I boarded the bus and saw a woman reading a Bible. Every day, I'd sit next to her and grill her about the things that I had been reading and didn't understand."

Eventually, Michelle accompanied the woman to her church--a 30-person congregation in a Spirit-filled church. "There was a visiting pastor that day who anointed everyone with oil," Michelle recalls. "I had never experienced anything like that before. By the time the pastor got to me, the last in line, I was crying uncontrollably. He laid his hands on my forehead and prophesied, 'God loves you so much. He really has a special plan for your life.'"

Michelle said, "That encounter changed my life. My motivation in life was to be obedient to God."

The Long and Winding Road

"For the first time since I was in grade school, I couldn't wait to be in church. My relationship with God filled every void in my life except one--I still struggled with being single."

"The questions wouldn't stop. 'Lord, why can't I have someone in my life? I've been loving you, serving you and living a holy life. Don't I deserve a husband?' I watched many of my friends get married, and I kept wondering, 'Why am I alone, God?'"

Yet while Michelle dated, she remained single, still longing to be married. After a serious multi-year relationship ended, Michelle's disappointment was so great that she began making herself physically ill. "Finally, one morning, I got up and faced the fact that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had a choice to make. I could choose to be happy, or I could choose to be miserable. My life's circumstances were not what I thought they would be, and they were not what I wanted, but I still had to make the choice--misery or happiness."

"I decided to start looking at life differently. Instead of looking for a man to love, I started to love the people God had already put in my life. I stopped asking, 'Why am I alone?' and began asking, 'Why am I here?'"

The Doors Flung Wide

Then, one day while on her way to a meeting, Michelle was hit by a van while crossing the street. The accident severed her patella tendon, the ligament that causes the leg to bend and straighten.

During her year-and-a-half recovery, while Michelle endured three surgeries and learned to walk again, her relationship with God blossomed. Her confidence in his absolute provision crystallized, and her infectious zest for life was shared with millions in her first book, What to Do Until Love Finds You.

Michelle knew she had discovered the key to happiness and wanted to share it with others who, like her, were waiting for their other half's late arrival. Called the "field guide for singles," What to Do... details Michelle's life experiences, struggles and successes with singleness.

That was in 1995. Four more books for singles, as well as Get a Love Life, (released in February), quickly followed. In addition, HeartWing Ministry, an outreach for singles, was launched.

"HeartWing is the arm of my ministry I set up for speaking and singing engagements," Michelle shares. "I want to tell everyone that falling in love with God is the source of reconciling any other relationship. I want to let others know that you can be single and satisfied."

Tough Questions

Michelle's honest answers to tough questions are a magnet to those around her. She candidly admits that she is still open to marriage, and when asked about having children, she doesn't skirt the issue.

"I'd still like to have them," Michelle reflects. "But one day when I found myself telling God that I thought I needed to stay single to show others how happy a single person could be, I stopped short on the thought of never having children. I had to take a big gulp and recall my own advice. I tell others 'love whomever is available to you to be loved,' and that's what I do. I have a wonderful niece who is like my own baby, and I pour my love into her. She fills that 'baby-spot' in my heart."

Michelle pauses for a second and shares how others can tap into the joy she has: "I come to God with open hands. I want what he wants for my life. At the end of the day, all I want is to put a smile on God's face." 

In addition to her freelance writing and speaking, Karen Orfitelli is an editor at McGraw-Hill.

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