November/December 2000
Analyze THIS
by John Rosemond
| In effect, today's unruly child is provided one excuse after another. Be assured that children, being the intuitively brilliant little people that they are, figure such things out very quickly. |
Why," a journalist recently asked me, "do so many of today's parents take their children to therapists?"
The obvious answer, of course, is that today's parents are experiencing more child-rearing problems than Grandma ever thought possible. Few if any wouldn't agree that today's children are generally more ill-behaved than were children of 40 or more years ago. Back then, children were mischievous, but it was rare indeed for one of those mischief-makers to defy adult authority openly -- a fairly commonplace occurrence today. Paradoxically, modern parents consistently tell me they're putting more effort into child rearing than did their parents yet are experiencing more problems, especially in the area of discipline. Why are today's parents having so many more problems than the parents of 40-plus years ago?
The answer concerns a shift in point of view. The pre-modern (pre-1995) parent considered misbehavior to be a moral issue, whereas the contemporary parent tends to see it as a psychological issue. The pre-modern view held that misbehavior is a matter of right vs. wrong. A child who had misbehaved in some way was a child who had made an impulsive, self-centered -- and, therefore, antisocial -- decision. This outlook justified a disciplinary approach that assigned full responsibility to the child, one that made the child accountable. By paying some sort of price for wrongdoing, the child learned to control his impulses, to think before he acted.
The modern (some would say enlightened) view, on the other hand, holds that misbehaviors can often be explained in terms of psychological or biological factors (or a combination of both). The former include stress, anger, low self-esteem, insecurity or some other psychological (emotional) condition, while the latter encompass biochemical imbalances, bad genes or allergies. Implicit to both psychological and biological explanations of misbehavior is the belief that a child with a behavior problem has little control over how he acts. He "can't help it." It follows, of course, that neither stern talks nor punitive consequences are appropriate ways of handling the problem. Rather, the child's parents need to figure out why he misbehaves and intervene appropriately. If his parents don't feel qualified to understand the problem and resolve it, then they're expected to take him to an expert who is trained in such arcane matters.
Note that within the context of the modern explanation, the child with a behavior problem is actually a victim of circumstances beyond her control. Contrast this with the attitude prevalent prior to the 1960s, when it was typical for parents to tell a child who had misbehaved that she had "absolutely no excuse." In effect, today's unruly child is provided one excuse after another. Be assured that children, being the intuitively brilliant little people that they are, figure such things out very quickly.
The modern explanation of misbehavior ties the parents' hands. Punishing a child for something she can't help is ethically indefensible. It follows that the discipline today's children experience is, on average, considerably less persuasive than the discipline of years ago. Fewer parents spank, and it's not atypical for a modern parent to respond to even the most outrageous misbehavior with nothing more than a talk and perhaps a few minutes of "time out."
A fellow psychologist, reflecting the view of many in the profession, recently asserted that an emphasis on child self-esteem and a lessening of disciplinary pressure has been good for children. Today's child, he said, is "psychologically more secure." Unfortunately, the numbers simply don't bear out that somewhat defensive claim. Over the last 40 years or so, every marker of positive mental health in children has been in decline. The rate of aggressive and
violent behavior exhibited by children has increased alarmingly. Any way you look at it, it's hard to escape the conclusion that the overturning of traditional child rearing has been anything but good for children.
The modern parenting mindset is taking its toll on parents, as well. Compared to pre-modern parents, today's parents are considerably more anxious, confused, frustrated and, most of all, guilt-ridden. Because pre-modern parents were not thinking psychologically about misbehavior, they weren't likely to feel guilty when their children misbehaved. My mother, for example, when she heard from a neighbor or a teacher that I had misbehaved, was determined to make me feel bad about what I'd done. She didn't think her parenting was at fault. She thought that I was at fault.
People of my parents' generation -- septa- and octogenarians -- consistently tell me that a mere 50 years ago, the typical child had stopped throwing tantrums, talking back and defying parental authority by his or her third birthday. The pre-modern 3-year-old was mischievous, certainly, but he was obedient and had developed reasonably good self-control.
In the last 35 years, the teen suicide rate has tripled and teenage depression has become epidemic. Today's children are not nearly as happy as children just one generation ago.
That brings us to this question: Does your child need a therapist? While I'm in no position here to answer that regarding any individual child -- there are situations in which a therapist can help -- I'm convinced that today's parents could cure many behavior problems in advance by embracing the pre-modern concept of discipline. I'm referring to discipline of the sort that assigns complete responsibility for the behavior problem to the child.
Here's a real-life example: A third-grade boy was misbehaving in class and not doing his work. His teacher suggested he might have attention deficit disorder and recommended a psychological evaluation. The parents decided simply to confine him to his room until the teacher reported no problems for three weeks in a row. During his confinement, he could come out of his room only to do chores, use the bathroom, eat meals with the family and go places with his parents. After the second week, the teacher told the parents, "I don't know what you're doing, but it's working!" There have been no major problems since.
Here's another: A 12-year-old girl was throwing infantile temper tantrums when her parents didn't let her do what she wanted. Several times a week, she'd go into a tizzy -- screaming, throwing things, slamming doors, calling her parents names and so on. A counselor suggested she might be depressed. The parents thought otherwise. The next tantrum she threw, they simply told her that all her privileges were revoked -- she was confined to the house with no phone calls, no visits from friends, no television and no stereo -- until she wrote, "I will not throw tantrums when I don't get my way" 500 times. She threw a tantrum, so the parents upped it to 1,000 times. A week later, she sheepishly produced 35 pages of sentences, and she hasn't thrown a tantrum since.
More and more, parents are rediscovering the benefits to themselves and their children of good old-fashioned discipline. And who but therapists would complain about "therapy" that's free?
For more information on John Rosemond and his organization, please visit his website at www.rosemond.com or call (800) 525-2778.