November/December 2000
PT SPECIAL REPORT:
Getting Through the Darkness
Easing the Pain
by Victor Parachin
I held up just fine during the visitation and funeral service," says Mark, 43, whose wife died after a valiant struggle with cancer. "However, once the funeral was over, I went into a confusing daze and wondered, 'Where do I go from here?' Even now, on some days the pain is absolutely unbearable, and I'm not sure I can get through this." Mark's dilemma is a common one for those who have lost a loved one. Here are thirteen tips for easing the pain of grief:
1. Choose to heal. From the very beginning, make the decision that you will heal; that you will not only recover from this loss but you will be a better person because of it. Choose to heal. Choose to remain healthy. Choose to be better not bitter.
2. Find caring people. The Bible acknowledges the power of friendship -- "Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one.... If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But people who are alone when they fall are in real trouble" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, New Living Translation). Establish a support network of family, friends, neighbors, colleagues and strangers in a self-help group. Such a network can give support and help you reestablish yourself. Be brave enough to accept the help of others. Don't be stoical. Don't go it alone. Don't pretend nothing is wrong. Don't be reluctant to "burden" a friend with your sorrow. Actually, friends usually welcome the opportunity to provide a listening ear or run an errand for you because it makes them feel less helpless.
| Be brave enough to accept the help of others. Don't go it alone. Don't pretend nothing is wrong. |
3. Give it time. Everyone reacts differently to a loss. It is hard to estimate a 'normal' grieving period. Expect that recovery and adjustment will take longer than you think. Bereavement specialist Dr. Phyllis Silverman says: "On the whole, it takes about two years before you can really begin to turn to the future and have some peace with the past. But I've known some people who are functioning very well within a year, or even six months."
4. Resume your daily routine. Although it is difficult, return to your daily activities as soon as possible. Go back to work, maintain your involvement in civic and religious organizations, remain socially active. These are all important links which will lessen your risk of social withdrawal and isolation.
5. Trust God for daily help and healing. Because grief is a lonely and isolating experience, some people conclude that God has abandoned them. Do not be seduced by this falsehood. Remind yourself of the many biblical passages which clearly describe God's help and healing. Such passages include: "The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down" (Psalm 146:8), and, "The eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him" (2 Chronicles 16:9).
6. Keep in touch with your physician. Your doctor can help you deal with the physical side effects of grieving such as sleep disturbance or eating problems. Research reveals that bereavement makes a person more susceptible to physical illness. Keep in touch with your physician.
7. Don't expect miracles overnight. Rabbi Earl Grollman, author of numerous books on grief, says: "Allow sufficient time for the grieving period to run its course. The process is never the same for any two people. Don't compare yourself with others in similar positions. Heal in your own way and in your own time. Be yourself. You don't need to pretend grief beyond the time you need to grieve. Nor do you need feign recovery before you are recovered."
8. Don't be afraid of your feelings. The loss of someone we love generates intense feelings such as anger, despair, guilt, regret, depression, panic, loneliness, vulnerability and many more. Do not become alarmed. Do not be afraid of these feelings. Do not assume they are 'abnormal.' The truth is they are all a natural part of bereavement and such feelings are experienced by the majority of those who lose a loved one to death. With time the intensity of those feelings diminishes.
9. Forget 'normal' for a while. Death turns life upside down for surviving family members. Funeral arrangements must be made, services arranged, condolence calls acknowledged, legal matters attended to, insurance forms completed, etc. Expect that daily life will not follow the same familiar patterns. Forget about 'normal' for a while, but do look forward to the time when things will return to 'normal'.
10. Avoid certain people when necessary. Some people just don't understand grief. While no one wants to be unfriendly or wishes to avoid people, there are some individuals who will only frustrate you in your grief recovery process. Keep a safe distance from people who don't listen to you but want to run your life. Avoid those who are judgmental about your grieving style as well as those who lecture you, belittle you or antagonize you. Stay away from those who minimize your loss by uttering trite cliches -- "You'll get over this." "It was for the best." "You're strong, you'll find a way to cope." "Be glad it's over."
11. Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. "Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued," says Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., author of numerous bereavement books and a leading authority on grief. "Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you." Be sure to nurture yourself, get sufficient daily rest and eat balanced meals. If possible, lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn't mean you are feeling sorry for yourself, "it means you are using survival skills," Dr. Wolfelt adds.
12. Delay making major changes. Unless absolutely necessary, don't move, quit your job, make new investments, sell off parts of the estate, etc. Wait at least six months (one year is even better). By then you will have a better perspective on what needs to be changed.
13. Know when to get help. Editors of the Mayo Clinic Health Letter note that 10 to 20 percent of widowed persons develop symptoms of clinical depression and can benefit from professional counseling. They cite the following signs that one may need professional intervention: "Weight loss, social withdrawal, insomnia or crying spells that persist for a year or more after their loss." Help is readily available and referrals to qualified grief counselors can be obtained from your physician, clergy or various community mental health organizations.
Oklahoma resident Victor Parachin is an ordained minister, a freelance writer and the author of several books.
What a Friend We Have in Jesus
by G. Weatherhead
What should have been the happiest time in his life became his most traumatic. It began with these words from a messenger: "Joseph, come quickly! Something terrible has happened." Young Joseph Scriven, joyously anticipating his wedding the following day, raced to his fiancée's home only to find her family weeping. "She's dead, Joseph!" a family member explained. "Drowned on the very eve of your wedding."
The pain which ensued drove Joseph Scriven, 25, from his home city of Dublin, Ireland, to a small community in Canada. In 1845, Scriven left Ireland settling in Port Hope, Ontario, a rural village located near the great lake. Because he was a graduate of Trinity College, Dublin, Scriven was able to find work as a tutor for the children of a prosperous retired naval officer. While he tutored, the pain of grief eased, but when he was unoccupied his hurt was almost unbearable.
In order to find further relief from bereavement, Scriven spent his time off helping poor families in Port Hope and the nearby village of Bowden. A natural philanthropist and a deeply committed Christian, Scriven gave gifts of cash to the poor, repaired homes of widows and donated his clothing to the less fortunate. In a short period of time he became known as "the man who saws wood for poor widows and sick people who are unable to pay."
Some time in 1857, Scriven received a letter from his family in Ireland advising him, "Your mother is gravely ill." Because he was in the habit of giving away all of his savings, Scriven could not afford the trip back to Ireland. Greatly troubled that he could not be with his mother through her illness, Scriven poured out his heart in prayer. During that time alone with God a miracle of transformation took place in his heart as the burden of anxiety over his mother was lifted and peace flooded his life. Deeply inspired by that time of prayer, Scriven wrote out his thoughts in these now famous words:
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer.
Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pains we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Scriven titled his poem, "Pray Without Ceasing," and enclosed it in a letter to his mother.
Shortly before his 40th birthday, Scriven again found love in the person of Miss Eliza Roche. Engaged, the couple planned their wedding. Again his life was to be shattered. Eliza Roche contracted tuberculosis and died before they could marry. With the pain of grief thrust upon him now a second time, Scriven devoted himself completely into the service of others. Friends described him this way: "He considered the needs of others more urgent than his own and gave his entire income to their cause."
On August 10, 1886, Scriven stumbled and fell into a stream near Rice Lake where he drowned. His life of service for the poor was held in such high esteem that the people of the area erected a monument in his memory near Port Hope in 1920. It reads: "Four miles north in Pengelly's Cemetery lies the philanthropist and author of the great masterpiece written at Port Hope in 1857." That inscription is followed by the three stanzas of Scriven's hymn, "What a Friend We Have In Jesus."
Scriven's hymn remains a favorite among Christians and continues to be included in hymnals. The words he penned to comfort his mother still inspire people to trust God more deeply especially in times of difficulty.
In his book, How To Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie records an amazing conversation he had with a woman he identifies as Mary Cushman (a pseudonym) and whose life was transformed by Scriven's words. During the Depression, Cushman's husband earned a mere eighteen dollars per week. The work was sporadic. It was never enough to feed and clothe their family of five children. After a series of accidents and illnesses which prevented her husband from working, the family lost the little house which they had built with their own hands. In addition, they owed fifty dollars at the local grocery store. To simply survive, Mary Cushman took in washing and ironing from the neighbors. She bought secondhand clothing from the Salvation Army store and made the clothes over for her children to wear. "I made myself ill with worry," she said.
One day the grocer to whom they owed fifty dollars accused her eleven-year-old son of stealing a couple of pencils. He wept bitterly as he told his mother about the incident. Mrs. Cushman knew her son was honest and sensitive, and she knew he had been disgraced and humiliated in front of other people. Consumed with worry and frustration, that incident became the final blow to Mrs. Cushman's spirit. A few days later she took her little five-year-old daughter into the bedroom and plugged up the windows and cracks with paper and rags. Then she turned on the gas heater in the bedroom but didn't light it. She lay down on the bed with her daughter beside her. "Then I closed my eyes, listening to the gas escape from the heater," she said. "I shall never forget the smell of that gas."
Suddenly Mrs. Cushman thought she heard music. She listened and realized she had forgotten to turn off the radio in the kitchen. The music continued, and she soon heard someone singing the words of a hymn:
What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer.
As she listened to that hymn, Mrs. Cushman realized she had made a tragic mistake. "I had tried to fight all my terrible battles alone. I had not taken everything to God in prayer," she recalled. Quickly she leapt into action, turning off the gas, opening the door and raising the windows. "I wept and prayed all the rest of that day. Only I didn't pray for help -- instead I poured out my soul in thanksgiving to God for the blessings he had given me: five splendid children -- all of them healthy and fine, strong in body and mind. I promised God that never again would I prove so ungrateful. And I have kept that promise."
More than a century later, Scriven's hymn continues to touch lives. Albert Edward Bailey, author of The Gospel in Hymns, says that Scriven's hymn provides a tremendous service. "Any unlettered person can understand it; the humblest saint can take its admonitions to heart, practice prayer, find his load more bearable and his spiritual life deepened."
G. Weatherhead is a minister and writer from the midwest.
Where Two or Three are Gathered....
by Red Ricker
Our friend Freda died in the middle of winter. We couldn't attend her funeral because burial took place 200 miles away, in a town called West Union. But months later we planned a trip from Chicago to Kentucky and noted that our route ran close to the place where Freda had been both born and buried. We would visit her grave.
Come Saturday, we drove south through Indiana farm country to Terre Haute, where we spent the night. On Sunday, we rose early and set out to find the graveyard. The sun was bright and the air was calm as we crossed the Wabash River into Illinois. Ten minutes later we reached Route 1, an unpretentious two-lane road that ran southward. There was no traffic, and in no time we came to a roadside marker that said we were entering West Union.
Houses were few and far between except for a block-long stretch along the highway. A gas station was open, and we asked for directions to the church and cemetery.
"Go to the traffic light -- we only have one -- and turn left. Then take the second road you see on the right, and in a half-mile you'll come to the church."
We found the road on the right, and we took it. After driving more than a half-mile with no sign of civilization, we were ready to turn back, but we couldn't; we were on a stretch of roller-coaster pavement too narrow for any sort of turn. Then, right at the crest of a hill, a weather-beaten gray church jumped out at us.
Elated, we parked the car and prowled the cemetery, which surrounded the church on three sides. We scanned hundreds of tombstones but found no marker bearing Freda's name. Then, piercing the stillness, there came the sound of a piano. The piano was in tune, and the playing was good.
We opened the church door and were greeted by the musician. True Thompson was his name. "I'm 95 years old," he said. We complimented him, and he went on.
"I'm in a group that does 24 gigs a year. All in nursing homes and all for free."
While we talked, the church door opened and two women entered. One, about the same age as my wife, was Mary Crumrin. The other, who used a walker, was Mary's mother, 99, but quite alert. Mary walked us to the spot where Freda lay, and there we bid our friend farewell.
By the time we had returned to the church another woman had arrived with two small children, now busily coloring picture books at a table in the corner. It was almost 9:30, time for Sunday School to start, and six souls were in attendance. That was a goodly number, for the bulletin board at the front of the church read, "Attendance One Year Ago: 7."
We were invited to stay for Sunday School, but we had to continue our journey. As we drove away we heard a medley of voices, old and young, singing:
Jesus loves me, this I know,
For the Bible tells me so...
That was truly a moment to remember. We felt in touch with Freda and with God, in perfect harmony with all creation. Jesus said, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them" (Matthew 18:20). I know he was there in that weatherbeaten gray church, on that day.
Red Ricker began writing in 1987 at age 70. His articles have appeared in numerous publications, and he has most recently published Bonus Years, a tiny periodical for seniors, and edited an anthology, Bedside Bonus Years. He and his wife, Mary Ellen, live in Hinsdale, Illinois.
Helping Children Understand Death
by J. Sheen
On most days at four o'clock Michael and his grandfather could be seen walking down the street, hand in hand, to the corner store. It was a daily ritual for the little boy and the elderly man. Although separated by decades, the two enjoyed a precious common bond. They shared a two-family house in an outlying section of New York City. The grandfather lived in the upstairs unit. Michael and his family lived downstairs. It had been that way since Michael's birth. When Michael turned seven, his family moved to Long Island, leaving the grandfather back in the city. "See you on Thanksgiving!" they all said. Thanksgiving came and went. They did not see the grandfather. The same thing happened at Christmas. "Grandpa's away for a while," Michael's parents explained. "Don't worry about it." Months went by, and Michael waited. When his birthday came and went and there was no card from his grandfather, Michael became concerned wondering what he could have done to make the elderly man not love him anymore.
It was nearly two years before Michael's parents told him the truth: his beloved grandfather died shortly after they moved to Long Island. "I know they thought they were doing the right thing," Michael says, "but it was a terrible time for me. They certainly didn't spare me any pain while I was wondering what had happened. And then when they finally told me the truth, I still had to deal with the feeling of losing Grandpa."
That true but unfortunate story is reported by funeral director Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons in their excellent book, How Do We Tell The Children: A Parent's Guide To Helping Children Understand and Cope When Someone Dies. The fact is that on every day of the year children lose someone they love to death: a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or relative. Like Michael's family, parents may try to shield the child from the blow. However, when death is improperly explained and responded to, it prevents a child from experiencing the loss, expressing their grief, sharing in the family mourning and moving on toward recovery. Children have the same need as adults to process what has happened and to mourn. Here are some basic do's and don'ts when talking to children about death.
DO be honest about the death. Although you may find it difficult to speak with your child about death, keep in mind -- honesty is the best policy. There is nothing worse for a child than being the last to know and to accidentally discover the "secret" and then be given the excuse: "We thought it was best not to tell you." As soon as you learn about a death, inform your child simply and directly: "Honey, a very sad thing happened this afternoon. Grandmother died." Once you have given your child this information, gently make sure he or she understands what you've just said.
DON'T use euphemisms. When her aunt died, a six-year-old girl was told, "Aunt Ellen went away on a long trip." Because her aunt never returned from that trip, the little girl was terrified when her family announced that they were all going on a 'trip' for their summer vacation. Here's the point: death is not a long trip; death is not 'sleeping'; death is not 'resting'; death is not 'passing away'. "When you're talking with your child, avoid euphemisms," say Schaefer and Lyons. Use simple words like dead, stopped working and wore out -- simple words to establish the fact that the body is biologically dead." For example, if your child asks, "What does dead mean?" respond simply by stating: "Dead means a person's body has stopped working and won't work anymore." Or, if your child asks: "Is death like sleeping?" a good response is to state simply: "Dying is nothing at all like sleep. When someone dies, their body stops working. It is not resting. Its job is over."
DO help children express their thoughts and feelings. Encourage children to cry out their grief and talk out their thoughts and feelings over the death. Be aware that children are often verbally limited when it comes to stating their feelings. Children often express their grief in a variety of nonverbal ways such as sleeplessness, nightmares, clinging behavior and school difficulties. Because of their verbal limitations, you, as the parent or an important adult, may have to take the initiative in getting your children to ventilate grief. One effective way of doing this is to pick up on a child's feelings and say: "I know you miss Daddy very much. I miss him too." A simple statement like that is often enough to have a child open up.
DON'T tell a child how to feel. Some parents unwisely tell children: "Be brave." "Be strong, you're the man in the family now." "Don't cry, it was the will of God." Rather, let a child experience and express grief.
DO offer continuous love and assurance. "In the early stages of mourning, a child needs reassurance that he is loved. This will make him feel more secure. Parents cannot shield their children from painful feelings, but they can help the child to bear them. So openly express your caring -- show him in many ways that you love him," writes psychologist Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D. in his book, How To Talk To Your Kids About Really Important Things. Dr. Schaefer also says one of the best ways a parent can show care is by being readily present and available during the difficult months of grieving.
DON'T hide your grief from your children. Be open with your own grief and emotions. It's all right if your children see you crying or feeling sad. Your open grieving gives a child 'permission' to grieve as well. By seeing you grieve, a child will know that it's normal and healthy to cry and feel sad after a death. "A child takes his cue from the adult," says Sacramento, California, family therapist Jerri Smock, Ph.D. "You need to handle your own emotions -- anger, hurt, grieving, tears, whatever -- and you need to be vulnerable and to be able to express and identify your feelings so a child can do the same with his or her own feelings."
DO enlist outside help. Tap into the spiritual resources from your church. Enlist the help of your child's Sunday School teacher, youth minister, pastor or other spiritual leader who can minister to grieving children. Often someone outside the family can provide much needed additional comfort, concern and care.
DON'T assume children will just 'get over it.' "The idea that children are more adaptable, that death is less traumatic to them, is a myth," say authors Candy Lightner and Nancy Hathaway in their book Giving Sorrow Words. "The fact is that children are in many ways most affected by a death, for unlike adults whose identities are formed, they must brave a further challenge: growing up in the face of loss. Whether the death takes place during their infancy or their adolescence, whether the person who dies is a relative or a friend, the impact can last for the rest of their lives." Do not assume your child will get over the death naturally and on his own. Be proactive, providing all the comfort and consolation you can.
DO be a good listener. Like adults, children need to talk about the loss and their feelings connected to it. That means they need adults who will take the time to listen carefully and compassionately. "Listening to the child is an effective way of putting care into action," writes grief authority Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., in his book Helping Children Cope With Grief. "Listening requires hearing not only the content of what the child is saying but also hearing the content of that which is only being hinted. The child may need help in terms of being able to put thoughts and feelings into words. While you will certainly want to listen with your ears and see with your eyes, you will also want to hear and respond with your heart."
DO nurture faith, but DON'T blame God. Some parents unwittingly create future spiritual problems for children by incorrectly assigning blame to God for a death. This is done when a child hears an adult say: "God needed Daddy." "It was God's will." "God loved your sister so much he took her." "God punished him." Rather than speak of God "taking" a loved one, convey to your child that God has "received" a beloved family member and that God is also sad over the tragedy. Remind your child that "God shares our pain and will help us get through the crisis." Pray for wisdom asking God to direct you in the best ways of responding to your child.
Freelance writer, J. Sheen, is an ordained minister.