November/December 2000

Home is Where the Hurt Is

by Barbara Curtis

I never knew who would come home at night -- the loving man I had married or the raging stranger he became whenever anything set him off. I remember one time after shaving my legs, I forgot and left my razor on the side of the tub. He was livid -- what if one of our kids had gotten hurt? I was as upset with myself as he was. But he couldn't let it go, just got more and more worked up, until his fingers were around my neck, choking me.

We had been sweethearts in high school, got married in college. I knew he had a horrible background -- an alcoholic father who was physically and verbally abusive. His mother was kind and docile.

My family was the opposite -- my mother was abusive. Looking back, I can see we were both running. He especially was in a lot of pain.

But during five years of dating, I only saw his anger once -- when he pulled my hair during an argument. It scared me, but not enough. I was only 16. I thought, "Oh, it's just because he was drunk."

He seemed less committed after we were married, and after our two daughters were born, he seemed to be wondering what he had done with his life.

Still, everything looked okay on the outside. We went to church each Sunday. Tom had a strong personality, was intelligent and commanded respect. People liked him because they didn't see the dark side.

I did. His anger always seemed just under the surface, waiting to erupt. In his eyes, I couldn't do anything right. Not only was I afraid of the violence, but also ashamed -- it must be my fault that my marriage had turned out this way.

Tom's wife Jenny could be sitting next to you at church every week. You might never realize you know a victim of domestic violence.

The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that between 1 and 4 million people per year are physically abused by "intimates" -- current or former spouses, live-ins or lovers. Ninety-two percent of these crimes are committed against women by men. The F.B.I. reports that among all female murder victims in the U.S., 30 percent are slain by husbands or boyfriends.

Domestic violence is a serious and pervasive problem occurring in all social groups and at all economic levels. A Massachusetts agency reported that one-third of the batterers they counseled were "professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities." Other studies indicate the top five professions for male abusers are:

1. Military men
2. Doctors
3. Lawyers
4. Police Officers
5. Pastors

This ranking, reported in For Better or Worse: A Blessing or a Curse? Domestic Violence in the Christian Home (Melissa Martin, ACW Press, 1999) seems astonishing -- until one realizes that these professions share a common denominator of power and control. Evidently, those whose strength we count on to protect our communities are all too often weak in controlling themselves at home.

Violence in Christian Homes

Surveys indicate 28 percent of all marriages are tainted by some form of domestic violence. How much of that domestic violence takes place in Christian homes?

Although hard statistics are not available, anecdotal evidence from battered women's shelters -- secret places where women and children can find safety and security while they try to pick up the pieces -- indicates that those who seek shelter are indicative of the entire culture.

It seems sensible to assume that just as the Christian community's divorce rates are little different than those among the general population, so also Christian women have had to flee Christian husbands who abuse.

While one study showed 80 percent of pastors have counseled women with abusive husbands, others find it hard to believe that a battered woman might be among their own church members.

Rev. Dr. Marie Fortune, executive director of the Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence in Seattle (CPSDV), says:

"What I hear most often from the clergy is, 'Well, no one ever comes to me with this problem. Therefore the problem doesn't exist in my congregation.' It's kind of a closed circle of logic. Of course, he never asks himself, 'Why are my people not coming to me with a problem that has reached epidemic proportions in our society?'"

The truth is that religious institutions have by and large ignored the reality of domestic abuse all around them and within their own walls.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence -- also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse or battering -- is defined as "a pattern of coercive behavior used to maintain power and control by one person over another in an intimate relationship."

Laura, another survivor of an abusive marriage tells her story:

To Mike, marriage meant acquiring ownership, and our first year together was a determination of his power and control over my life. I struggled to determine which battles were worth fighting. I compromised in many areas as we defined our new life together. Plus, I blindly wanted to show support for the man who was everything in my world. This is what good wives are supposed to do, right?

After our son was born and I quit my job to stay home, Mike washed his hands of any home responsibilities. His job was to make money. Mine was to support him as he needed, take care of the house and take care of the baby. But I always disappointed him.

The food was never satisfactory. I made wrong decisions. I put our child first too often instead of attending to other responsibilities.

I struggled to regain some title of 'the good wife' to no avail. The cycle of abuse began to intensify. He would put his fist through the bathroom door, throw garbage around the kitchen, block the doorway for me to pass, follow me around the house condemning me with words and insults. He would threaten to leave the marriage or demand that I should, then laugh in my face as I would collapse in tears.

In the first five years of marriage, Jenny experienced physical violence on a regular basis, including hair pulling, choking and having her head slammed against a wall. But as Laura's story reveals, women also suffer violence via more subtle forms of control and manipulation. Domestic violence actually covers a wide range of behaviors, including:

Physical assault: Hitting, kicking, biting, grabbing, shoving, pushing, intimidation.

Psychological assault: Isolation, humiliation, harassment, possessiveness, threats.

Sexual assault: Forced sex, belittling partner's performance, infidelity.

Attacks on property and pets: For women, any display of superior strength and uncontrolled anger -- even when directed at an inanimate object -- can be as devastating and immobilizing as a direct hit.

Moreover, the fear engendered by these outbursts becomes a chronic state-of-being which clutches the victim emotionally during the apparently calm periods in between.

Why Does She Stay?

Tom had a cycle. He could only go a couple months or so before he would lose control. He was a crisis junkie.

I always knew it would happen again, was always bracing myself for the next crisis. It was like being a hostage in a concentration camp -- always in survival mode, trying to protect the children, getting them out of the house before it happened.

Five years into the marriage I started experiencing the symptoms of a congenital disability I'd been unaware of -- a malformation of the spinal cord which would probably lead to paralysis.

I was more afraid than ever to leave the marriage, as terrible as it was. How would I support myself and my daughters? What if Tom claimed my impending paralysis meant he should take custody of the girls?

Now, though Tom was drinking more than ever, more angry than ever, the physical attacks ceased. I think he was afraid that God would surely punish him if he hurt me when I was so vulnerable.

But the psychological terror I endured was as bad as the physical abuse. He would force me to sit and listen to his tirades for hours. He threatened to kill me, to kill my family, my parents, my brother.

The question of why women stay in abusive relationships can become quite a distraction from the problem itself. For some, the batterer's guilt seems somehow shared by his victim -- after all, if she would only leave, it would end the cycle of violence.

But serious factors hinder women from leaving abusive partners:

• Commitment/Hope for change

This is the father of her children. Following abuse, he may be contrite and remorseful, more demonstrative of his love.

• Isolation

Many batterers are jealous and possessive, preventing wives from using the phone, seeing friends, receiving mail, maintaining relationships with in-laws.

• Economics

Many battered women lack financial autonomy. (Of the survivors I interviewed for this article, all but one -- who had remarried -- were struggling financially. One interview was never completed because the woman's phone and Internet service were disconnected, along with her electricity.)

• Threats and Dangers

Batterers threaten to have their wives declared unfit or incompetent, thus gaining custody of children. When women do leave, batterers may hound them at work, call employers and landlords. Batterers threaten to kill the women they abuse as well as other members of the family.

• Societal Denial

Battered women fear no one will believe them. Like Laura, many have popular husbands whose families alone see their "dark side." When abused wives do seek help, they often receive ineffective answers: doctors prescribe tranquilizers, therapists suggest better communication, pastors suggest more prayer.

Clearly, leaving an abusive situation is more difficult than those outside may dream. As Laura says:

Taking a stand against an abuser is not where the abuse ends. This is a dangerous assumption by the outside world. It is only the beginning of a new era in your life. The abuse takes on new personas. Suddenly things that are usually ignored are chess pieces in a dangerous match of wits, strength and character. Any methods to intimidate and harass are utilized, even at the children's expense. Those outside don't understand the abuser's need to control and his desperation should he not have it.

The Church's Role

For Christian women, faith may become another obstacle to leaving an abusive and dangerous marriage. For women like Laura, some teachings may confuse rather than clarify:

I think the church's contribution takes place much earlier than when it is finally perceived you are abused. So many times when I was frustrated with my husband, I leaned on my faith. My beliefs were about "turning the other cheek," "for better or worse," "treat others as you would like to be treated," all the sort of phrases that speak of unconditional love. They are profound, and they teach great things. But the church gives young women no perspective about protection, self-preservation, empowerment. Maybe these ideas are threatening in a basically patriarchal system. But the lack of them leads a well-intentioned wife to believe that selfless love comes before self-preservation. I was never taught to assess how others treated me. I was never taught that it was okay to stand up for myself.

In the family of faith, those who understand the servanthood of Christ and the concept of mutual submission within marriage -- and whose experience does not include domestic violence -- may see no problem with Ephesians 5:22-24:

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

Yet if we could see how some Christian husbands use these verses to justify their abuse, we would have second thoughts. In Jenny's marriage, her church-going, Bible-savvy husband interspersed his tirades with Scripture, but she says, "It was always used to hurt me."

Unfortunately, a woman who finally overcomes her denial, self-doubt and fear to seek help from the clergy may find someone who uses the same verses to send her back to do a better job of being a wife. Even if her pastor is sympathetic, he may not be knowledgeable.

Many survivors of domestic abuse complain that even if they were taken seriously, the attention automatically focused on the abuser -- restoring him in order to restore the marriage.

A woman whose husband has controlled her and robbed her of autonomy needs more than a church intent on controlling the outcome of her situation. She needs a safe, neutral and compassionate place where she will not have to fight for believability and where she can find comfort while gaining the strength to take steps to provide safety for herself and her children.

Rev. Fortune says:
"Treatment of families experiencing violence and abuse requires integrating the needs of the whole person. Thus the importance of developing a shared understanding and cooperation between secular and religious helpers to deal with family violence cannot be emphasized too strongly.

"Occasionally, a social worker, psychotherapist or other secular service provider will wonder, 'Why bother with religious concerns at all?' The answer is a very practical one: religious issues or concerns which surface for people in the midst of crisis are primary issues. If not addressed in some way at some point, they will inevitably become roadblocks to the client's efforts to resolve the crisis and move on with her life.

"For a pastoror other person approaching family violence from a religious perspective, there is little question about the relevance of religious concerns. Rather, they may doubt the importance of dealing with concerns for shelter, safety, intervention and treatment. [They may think], 'These people just need to get right with God and everything will be fine.'"

In cases of domestic violence there are urgent needs which just can't wait until the abuser is willing and able to "get right with God." There are resources available -- though, as is often the case, the secular world is way ahead of the church in addressing this social problem and providing help.

Christians can do better than we have in helping women trapped by domestic violence:

1) Clergy can draw women out of isolation by opening the subject from the pulpit. As one pastor reports in the video, When You PreachRemember Me, "After preaching on this subject for the first time, the floodgates opened up, and a number of women came to me saying it was the first time they knew they could." Men also need to hear what is not acceptable and to know they can change.

2) We need to familiarize ourselves with the resources available to victims of domestic violence and make referrals to these agencies. At best, we might start volunteering to help in these agencies ourselves, working alongside those who are more knowledgeable and learning how to better serve those in need.

3) We need to stand ready to believe a woman who says she is abused and stay focused on her and her needs until she is safe.

But first we need the humility to admit how far we have to go. Though our longing to serve wherever there is need might lead us to be on the cutting edge of understanding society's problems, often as not Christians remain not only unmoved by the pain and suffering outside church walls, but also blissfully unaware of that within.

And so while Jenny may have arranged the flowers on the altar, held our babies in the nursery and received communion with us a hundred times, we don't really know who she is. Unless a way is prepared for her to break the silence of fear and shame and doubt, we never will. 

Barbara Curtis established a San Francisco crisis intervention program for rape victims, which is still in existence. She became a Christian in 1987.

Resources   National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE A 24-hour hotline staffed by trained counselors to provide crisis assistance and information on shelters, health care centers, counseling and legal advocacy.   Center for the Prevention of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Rev. Dr. Marie Fortune, Executive Director An inter-religious, educational ministry. Marie Fortune's A Commentary on Religious Issues in Family Violence is must reading for church leaders. Also Responding to Domestic Violence: Guidelines for Pastors and Rabbis. www.cpsdv.org 1-206-634-1903   Commission for Women Evangelical Lutheran Church in America Offers an information-packed packet, "Violence Against Women," specifically aimed to educate the church so that it might help eliminate the problem of domestic violence. 1-773-380-2860 or 1-800-638-3522   Committee on Women in Society and in the Church National Conference of Catholic Bishops Offers two excellent resources: When You Preach Remember Me (video) and When I Call For Help, a pastoral response to domestic violence against women. www.nccbuscc.org 1-800-235-8722

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