July/August 2001
5 Myths About Sex & the Bible
by Stephen Lim
71 percent of adults under the age of 50 approve of sex for adults who date regularly.1
Two-thirds of couples getting married have already lived together.2
Up to one-third of married persons have had an affair.3
Why has our society rejected the Bible's teaching on sexual morality? Because myths pose as reality. Repeated exposure to these falsehoods through popular entertainment and the lifestyles of public figures and celebrities has seduced us. Forty-six percent of committed Christian youth, for example, believe that sex is proper if you're in love.4
These myths have triggered an avalanche of doomed relationships, grief and bitterness. Fortunately, for those who have been scarred, God's love provides for healing and forgiveness.
In a spirit of love we need to challenge these destructive myths and offer a true biblical understanding of sex. This reveals the Creator's instructions for using his gift in a fulfilling way.
Here are five myths concerning biblical morality that contribute to its rejection:
Myth #1: It is Outdated.
In an age of space shuttles, heart transplants and the Internet, our generation sees biblical standards as irrelevant relics of a distant past. History, however, exposes the fact that what passes for the new simply recycles the old. Ancient Greeks approved of husbands having sexual relationships outside of marriage. The Romans of the early Christian era casually divorced their spouses and widely indulged in extra-marital sex. The Roman writer Seneca observed, "Only the ugly are faithful." Centuries of Christian influence submerged the old morality, which has resurfaced in our time.
Myth #2: It is Based on Fear.
A second myth claims that Christians have based sexual abstinence before marriage on the fear of 1) getting caught, 2) pregnant or 3) infected with sexually transmitted diseases -- especially AIDS. Today the first two have lost most of their stigma. What if science develops reliable means of prevention or cure for the third? Would this doom Christian sexual ethics? Biblical morality has never depended on science or fear. Rather, as we shall see, it is based on our understanding of human nature as God has created it.
Myth #3: It is Negative.
Another myth indicts the Bible for a negative view of sex because of its prohibitions. Positive commands, however, generally present broad principles -- which we readily endorse in theory, but easily neglect in practice. Negative commands, on the other hand, are more specific and allow less wiggle room.
For example, the biblical command, "Husbands, love your wives" (Ephesians 5:25), sounds better than, "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 20:14) or that adulterers will not "inherit the Kingdom of God" (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). The problem is that most husbands involved in an affair say that they still love their wives!5 Recognizing our capacity for self-deception, commandments mark the boundaries of love, declaring what is not in the best interest of the other person.
Myth #4: Better Alternatives Exist.
The fourth myth claims that in the pursuit of relational and sexual fulfillment, better alternatives to biblical morality exist. Personal preference makes casual liaisons, living together and extramarital affairs acceptable means of expressing our sexuality. These options, however, are found wanting.
Recreational Sex. While casual sex has always existed, it has proliferated in our generation. Despite the ready availability of sex without commitment, 90 percent of Americans eventually marry.6 Even Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy empire, did so -- though not surprisingly his marriage failed. Human nature demonstrates a strong desire for the divinely established relationship of marriage. Studies show, however, that the more premarital sex, the less the likelihood of successful marriage. We long for wedded bliss, even as we sabotage our chances for it.
Living Together. Living together is not new, but its popularity has exploded in recent years. Trial arrangements supposedly help people to see if they are right for each other and gain experience that will lead to successful marriage. The facts contradict this claim. Research indicates that those who live together before marriage have a divorce rate 33 to 80 percent higher than those who have not.7
"Holely" Matrimony. National surveys found that up to 33 percent of married Americans have had an affair or are presently involved in one. Sixty-two percent think that their affairs are not morally wrong.8 Their marital commitment resembles Swiss cheese -- full of holes.
While many maintain adultery as an option for themselves, few like it when their spouses embrace another. Is this merely possessiveness and unreasonable jealousy? Or does it suggest a conviction that the most intimate embrace should somehow be connected to relational commitment?
Myth #5: What If We're Really in Love?
"What if we're really in love?" the final myth asks. "Why shouldn't we express this love sexually before marriage?" But how do we distinguish love from passion? One author suggests that deep romantic feeling is often "pathetic self-centeredness masquerading as love."9 In practice this "love" translates into the reality, "I love me and want you -- at least until the passion subsides, or the disadvantages outweigh the benefits, or a more attractive person comes along." Not surprisingly, three-fourths of passionate relationships do not last.10
All that is needed to ignite passion is some mix of attraction, simmering hormones and unmet needs. It requires no maturity, ability or effort. We distinguish love from passion when we are willing to make a full and enduring commitment of ourselves to the well being of the other person. In his classic, The Art of Loving, Eric Fromm wrote, "To love somebody is not just a strong feeling -- it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise."11 True love comes from mature persons who have learned the meaning of commitment and self-giving.
A Biblical Understanding
God established marriage as the ultimate human relationship of love and commitment. The Bible states that, "A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). In marriage, sexual union expresses the uniqueness of relationship, exclusive belonging and the joining together of two lives. It witnesses to the completion and delight we discover in one another. It expresses the unreserved giving and total openness that can exist between husband and wife. Thus, sex enriches love and is enriched by it.
Oneness begins with a total commitment to our mate. This enhances trust, security and openness. "The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame" (Genesis 2:25). We feel no shame because physical openness matches relational vulnerability. Nakedness is not merely physical, but the exposure of the inner being in unreserved sharing which leads to true oneness.
In oneness we find strength for living. Because the other person will always be there for us, we find confidence to face an uncertain future. Someone shares with us the peaks, plateaus and plunges of life. In being unconditionally accepted, we have freedom to grow to our potential. With our beloved cheering us on, we embrace the challenges and opportunities of life.
Choosing Oneness
True love makes the decision to act for the well being of the other, another -- before family, friends, society and God. Without commitment, sex is superficial -- its motive is self-gratification, which is the opposite of love. It stresses "me" rather than "we." This sex is a hollow physical pleasure which ultimately fails to satisfy our emotional-relational-spiritual nature. Poet Joy Davidman wrote, "When it [sex] is less than total, it is hardly worth having -- a momentary pleasure, a permanent loneliness."12
If we accept the biblical connection between marriage and sex, we understand why adultery is forbidden (Exodus 20:14 and Hebrews 13:4). It violates commitment and uniqueness. It shatters trust, replacing openness with concealment and deception. Exclusive sharing splinters into intimacies given to another. Oneness is no more.
We do not prepare for oneness by experimentation. Premarital sexual experiences condition us to sex as self-gratification with limited commitment. The more sexual experience before marriage, the more likely the couple will divorce or become involved in extra-marital affairs. Furthermore, previous liaisons are imprinted in our memories and lead to expectations and comparisons with a present partner. This hampers the full and free giving of ourselves.
Abstinence, on the contrary, is the practice of faithfulness to our future spouse, even before we have met. Given by God in love, the commandment against sex outside of marriage (Matthew 15:19; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Ephesians 5:3), protects us from experiences that work against the potential for oneness in marriage.
While sex is God's gift, many have been damaged by succumbing to myths posing as truth. God's laws are descriptions of reality, which we violate to our folly. He grieves because of our self-inflicted pain. He longs for us to return to him, repent of our error and receive his forgiveness and healing. No matter how badly we have botched our lives, he wants to restore our status as his beloved children. Though badly marred, we can become his "new creation" (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Myths concerning sexual morality have spawned incredible confusion and pain. When we understand the positive purposes behind the biblical commandment, we see God's desire for our good.
1 The result of a Harris Poll is found in Randy Alcorn's, Christians in the Wake of the Sexual Revolution (1985), p. 62.
2 University of Wisconsin's National Survey of Families and Households is quoted by Michael McManus in AFA Journal, July 1993, p. 21.
3 The result of various studies range from 12.5 percent up to one-third.
4 Josh McDowell, "Ministering to Youth in a Changing Culture" in Enrichment, Fall 1996, p. 55.
5 James Patterson and Peter Kim, The Day America Told the Truth (New York: Prentice Hall, 1991), p. 97.
6 Neil Warren, Finding the Love of Your Life (Colorado Springs: Focus on the Family, 1992), p. 1.
7 David Myers, The Pursuit of Happiness, p. 162, cites a study which found a 33 percent higher rate. Mike McManus in AFA Journal, June 1993, p. 20, cites a study which found a 50 percent higher rate. Yale sociologist, Neil Bennett, coauthored a Swedish study which found the increased incidence of divorce to be 80 percent. This study is cited in an Associated Press release, December 7, 1987.
8 Ibid., pp. 94-95.
9 Ravi Zacharias, Can Man Live Without God? (Dallas: Word, 1994), p. 107.
10 Neil Warren, Finding the Love of Your Life (Colorado Springs: Focus on the Family, 1992), p. 92.
11 Eric Fromm, The Art of Loving, p. 47.
12 Joy Davidman, Smoke on the Mountain (Philadelphia: Westminster), p. 85.
Author and conference speaker Stephen Lim is the Senior Pastor of Full Life Christian Center in San Francisco.