March/April 2001
Parenting Teens in Challenging Times
by Richard Patterson, Jr.
Whenever parents of teens get together, before long the conversation turns to discipline. "I just can't seem to get him to do anything." "She's really out of control." "It seems like we're fighting every minute. I'm so discouraged."
As long as teens want more freedom and responsibility than parents think they're ready for, there will be conflicts. But there are ways successful parents have learned to safely navigate the rapids of the teen years. Here are seven key principles that many successful parents employ.
1. Disciple -- don't just discipline! For much of human history, young people learned the skills needed to be successful adults through "apprenticing" -- watching and then learning by doing under the guidance of a competent adult. At the end of the apprenticeship, the young person was ready to go out on his own as a responsible member of the community.
In biblical terms this "apprenticing" is called "discipling" -- the same process of teaching and modeling that Jesus used to train his disciples. By our daily example we demonstrate to our teens how to live as responsible, self-disciplined disciples of Christ and invite them to "follow my example, as I follow... Christ" (1 Corinthians 11:1).
For parents who "disciple" their teens for successful adulthood, the question is not, "How do I control my teen?" but, "How do I live in a responsible Christian manner so that when she does imitate me, I'll be pleased with what I see?" Instead of wondering, "What's the best way to discipline my teen?" they ask, "How can I help him become a responsible adult in the same way God is teaching me?"
Successful parents focus more on their own behavior than on the behavior of their teens. They are convinced that the discipline of their children involves loving and gracious discipleship; a partnership that helps children grow into greater and greater responsibility for their behavior.
2. Balance love with limits. As a reflection of God's love, we love our teens unconditionally. But successful parents understand that unconditional love includes limits or rules. Of course, limits (or rules) and the consequences of breaking them are just what teens often claim they don't want. That's why a balanced approach with plenty of hugs, encouragement and kindness is so important. Successful parents are loving but also firm because they're convinced that even a firm parent, if loving, is a much more gentle teacher than the world.
Love with no limits is insufficient. Limits without love are ineffective. Successful parents know that teens need a balance of love and limits.
3. Listen first. The book of Proverbs has this advice for parents: "He who answers before listening -- that is his folly and his shame" (Proverbs 18:13). Successful parents know how crucial it is to really listen to their children. When we listen to our teen's point of view, they're more likely to feel that we're on their side. Then, they will be more willing to listen to what we have to say.
Nothing shuts a kid up faster than criticizing their beliefs and opinions too quickly or harshly. When they need to help their children learn "a better way," successful parents first look for something to affirm about their child's opinion or values and then calmly say something like, "Have you thought about it this way?" That helps a teen see his parents' perspective while keeping communications open.
4. Give them something to "live up to." Educators (and successful parents) have known it for years. Children live up (or down) to the expectations we have for them and the standards we set for them. So keep both your expectations and standards high. After all, if you don't expect the best from your teen, who will?
But successful parents are also realistic. They know their teens won't always meet their expectations. So they give teens plenty of positive input. They "catch them doing good." Whenever their teen does clean his room well or does remember to call when she's going to be late, Mom or Dad offers praise. Praise is a much more effective motivator of good behavior than criticism.
Many days it takes all the faith they have, but successful parents give their children this message: "We believe in you. We know you can do it. And we know you'll do better the next time." Knowing their parents believe in them gets them through times when they just want to give up or give in to temptation.
Our teens want and need our trust, even though it may be hard. But we understand that we can trust their judgment because we've discipled them; we've shown them how to make good decisions. We can trust their morals because we've raised them in a moral environment.
My oldest son was fifteen when I said to another adult (intentionally, while my son was listening), "I don't worry about him. I'll trust him until he gives me reason not to." That became my rule during his teenage years. "I'll trust you until you give me reason not to." I gave him trust to live up to. It was a gift. He didn't have to earn it. It was his until he lost it. He never did.
5. Be a "Yes" parent. Teens rightly demand and need increasing freedom and responsibility. Sometimes there are very good reasons for saying a firm "no" to their requests. But many times we parents say "no" just because it's easier.
When we constantly say "no" to our teens no matter what their request, parenting becomes an endless series of confrontations and arguments ("Why can't I?" "Because I said so!" "You can't stop me!" "You'd better watch yourself, young man!") instead of discipling.
Whether the issue is clothing, curfews, driving or dating, negotiation and compromise are tools that help teens learn important skills of living and feeling respected. "Yes" parents use negotiation and compromise willingly and pick their battles carefully, but they don't shrink from the really important ones. Where serious issues of morality, legality, health and safety are concerned, even a "yes" parent will firmly say "no."
Do you want to really shock your teen? Try being a "yes" parent. Say "yes" unless, not "no" until. Say "yes" to your teen's requests unless there's a good reason not to, rather than saying "no" until they cajole and convince you otherwise. Because "yes" parents say "yes" whenever possible, their teens trust that a "no" is necessary and their parents really mean it. It helps make discipline and family life in general a lot more positive.
6. Remember that "practice makes perfect." Learning to do anything well requires practice, including learning to live successfully as an adult. Adult daily life is a series of choices. Where will I work? Will I get married? Will I have children? Other choices are relatively minor. What clothes will I wear today? What will I have for dinner?
The skill of making good choices, big or small, is learned through practice. We make choices, experience the consequences, learn from our failures and move on. When teens are given appropriate choices, they learn that: "I'm responsible for choosing and for what happens as a result, so I had better choose carefully."
In the mid to late teen years, successful parents disciple their children by becoming a coach or mentor. They give fewer directions and more advice and encouragement. Wise parents give their teens greater freedom to practice making everyday choices because they understand that "practice makes perfect!"
7. Keep your perspective and your faith! Some problems with our teens can be treated with well-deserved neglect. There are plenty of times when it won't make a whole lot of difference if things aren't done "just right, right now," whether it's taking out the garbage or cleaning up a room.
To help us keep those daily problems in perspective, my wife and I live by the DSSS Rule: "Don't sweat the small stuff." And here's an important corollary: "Remember, most things are small stuff!" Keeping those two rules in mind helps avoid a major blowup every time our teens are less than perfect (much of the time)!
Of course, we do our best for eighteen years or so, and then our children grow up and become adults. They make their own choices. That's God's plan.
Will we then know the satisfaction of having raised self-disciplined Christian adults? There are no guarantees except one. God is faithful. When our children leave home, we may be done parenting, but God is not. Long after they're living on their own, he still hears our prayers for them. Long after we're no longer there for them, he is. He loves our children even more than we do. We know God is faithful. We may fail them, but he never will.
Richard Patterson, Jr. is the Children and Family Ministries Specialist for Scripture Union, USA and the parent of two grown sons. This article is adapted from his latest book, Confident Parenting in Challenging Times: Essential Convictions of Highly Successful Parents. He and his wife live near Albany, New York.