March/April 2001
Teach Your Children Well
by Don Otis
Justin, my 16-year-old son, made a trip to our new county library. He was there to collect a few additional facts for a speech he was presenting. Unlike the libraries I remember as a kid, this one has sophisticated, state-of-the-art computer systems with easy access to the wonders of the Internet. Peering into one of the monitors across the room was Adam, a Christian friend. As Justin approached from behind, he was shocked to see Adam's screen filled with X-rated images.
Edmund Burke once quipped, "Tell me what the prevailing sentiments are that occupy the minds of your young people, and I will tell you what is to be the character of the next generation."
It comes as little surprise that the hearts and minds of our young people are being assailed from every corner of society. Many Christian parents who can afford to do so are sending their children to private schools. More than a million others are schooling their children at home. They are concerned that the values they cherish are being systematically deconstructed through education and the media.
| "Parents must live what they say they believe. Kids today are looking for both conviction and consistency" |
Character and morality are not partisan issues. Nor are they Christian or secular issues. They are social issues. And where there is no moral consensus, there will be no social cohesion. This describes our state of affairs. The trends are disturbing. A decade of education on drug abuse has failed. Cocaine, marijuana and cigarette use among high-school students has gone up during the last ten years.
Meanwhile, 80 percent of high-achieving teens admit cheating their way to the top. Nearly half of all high school students have had sexual intercourse while most have embraced homosexuality as just another "alternative lifestyle." The legacy of the 60s -- free sex, rebellion to authority and drug abuse has come full circle.
A Brave New World?
The world I grew up in is not the same one our children or grandchildren live in today. The temptations are multiplied. The risks are enormous. And Christian families are not immune to the inexorable impact from an increasingly dark culture.
Our families are a microcosm of society. In other words, they are designed to be God's representation of how community is supposed to work. This is why God places such a premium on intact families.
Sad to say, in many cases Christian families fare no better than those with no belief in God. Recent studies show a divorce rate for Christians that mirrors the secular world -- often catapulting children into the high-risk environment of single-parent families.
The question that burns on hearts and minds of parents today is "What can we do to help our children grow up to embrace God's values?"
As a parent of three teenage boys, I know there are no simple answers. But, there are answers. We can provide our children with the tools they need to make it in a morally complex and confused world.
More importantly, we can help our children become the ones doing the influencing rather than worry they will succumb to the vacuum-like pull of peer pressure.
The moral education of our children begins foremost with communicating about God. What we think about God determines how we respond to him. So, if we teach or model a flawed concept of God to our children, we cannot expect their character choices to be wise.
What It Means to Be Moral
Most parents say their number one concern is how to raise moral children. The question is: What does it mean to be moral? Biblical morality is about right and wrong. It is that simple. A solid moral system includes a set of rules or standards that serve as a guide for everyone.
Suppose your neighbor decides she doesn't want to be inhibited by the double yellow line down the center of the highway. It does not make any difference if she likes the law, believes in it or embraces it. Her decision to do whatever "feels good" will result in serious consequences -- for herself and for other drivers. It is not the law that is unreasonable. Nor is the state being unfair. Whatever negative consequences she faces will be the result of her choice to ignore the law.
One way we reinforce biblical morality is to help our children understand that God's requirements are sensible. We believe he acts with reason -- that everything he does has a purpose. If this is true, his rules also make sense. This is a second major part of moral education.
I tell my sons repeatedly, "The most intelligent thing you can do is obey God." I fortify this truth with stories from the newspaper, news magazines or personal experience. By doing this we demonstrate the relevance of Judeo-Christian morality.
Moral education that does not transcend the individual is nonbinding and capricious. In such an environment everyone does what seems best to them at any given moment. When we make decisions on the basis of self interest, it inevitably hurts innocent bystanders -- oftentimes the very people we say we love!
Navigating the Moral Labyrinth
Theodore Roosevelt once commented, "To educate a person in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society." Here are some additional tools Christian parents can use to help in the task of raising moral children.
1. I know my children will face temptations. Yet, it is in the trenches of pressure and temptation that godly character takes shape. While no child will react perfectly to every temptation, we can help them respond properly through moral contingency planning. This helps our children think out their response before they find themselves in a tempting situation.
Role-play with your children -- ask them questions, "What would you do if...?"
2. As our children get older, it is crucial to answer their "why" questions. They deserve to understand the reason something is not acceptable.
This is not to imply they will always like our answer, even if it does make sense. Still, if our children understand the reasonableness of our moral decision-making, they will more readily adopt it and embrace it as their own.
3. There are times in every family where the wisest decision a parent can make is to do nothing. We must stand back and let the consequences take their course.
Consequence education is not about proving who is in control. Rather, it is about giving your children a chance to take charge of their own lives. Parents who interrupt this important process inhibit their children's moral education and sap their strength.
4. Erect fences for protection. In the Northwest we put fences around our gardens to keep deer from destroying our crops. If we leave a gate open, the deer will find their way in. As our children are young, parents must keep the fences to their children's lives mended and the gates closed. The fences may seem like an inconvenience, but they protect what is of value to us. Today, less than half of all children say they feel they have no family boundaries or high expectations from parents or teachers.
5. Mentor by example. One characteristic of today's youth is their disdain for phoniness. While hypocrisy has never been a valued character quality, it can prevent moral growth in children. Parents must live what we say we believe. This doesn't mean we are perfect. When we do fail, however, we should be willing to acknowledge what our children can readily see. Kids today are looking for both conviction and consistency.
As Christians we are fond of saying, "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life." This, of course, is true. What we do not hear much about is the other half of this truth. Our adversary also has a plan for us. His plan is to destroy.
Every parent knows that raising a moral child in today's world is a daunting and ever-changing task. We must adapt our methods (not our message) -- as our children face new obstacles and temptations.
We tend to believe our children tune us out when they reach a certain age. This is rarely the case. Don't get discouraged just because you feel resistance. The good news is that God is on your side. He cares as much about our children as we do.
Don S. Otis is the author of Teach Your Children Well (Revell) and Trickle-Down Morality (Chosen). He is the president of Creative Resources, Inc., a Christian publicity and communications company. Don and his wife, Susan, live in Sandpoint, Idaho, with their three teenage sons.