November/December 2001
Can I Yell At God Now?
by Lee Huang
"I hate you!" I exclaimed as I shook both fists to the sky. Feelings of abandonment rushed over me. My cheeks were hot with rage, my face tear-streaked and worn. My God had forgotten me to pain and anguish, and I was letting him have it.
Not really, I thought to myself. To blame him and shake my fist at him would be to invite judgment and reveal unbelief. I should be showing more faith than this, right? Well, then, what to do with such raw emotions bubbling below the surface?
Been there before? I have. And if you are a Christian and have lived for any amount of time, I'm sure you have, too. We exult in a God who is all-powerful and all-loving, and yet we face crushing defeats and shattering setbacks in our lives which don't seem to jibe with such a God and such a faith. Believing in the perfection of heaven does not shield us from experiencing the pain of earth.
And so we are left with a perilous choice: Believe that God is either all-powerful but not loving enough to want to keep us from harm, or all-loving but not powerful enough to keep us from harm. Or we take the high road and trust in our theology, that God is all-powerful and all-loving, and that any present suffering we face must be part of God's goodness towards us, and we therefore wait for him to work it all out for good.
And yet, we do not wait in a vacuum, but rather in a cauldron of raw emotion. Doubt, abandonment, despair, anger, guilt, fear -- wave after wave, crashing against the ever-changing shores of our faith. What are we to do with such a maelstrom as we wait for the goodness of God?
According to the Bible, we are to express those emotions openly and honestly before God. At least that's what the psalmists did. Interspersed in their beautiful songs about God's goodness and glory are deep, heartfelt cries in the midst of pain, doubt and despair. "How long, O Lord?" (Psalm 13:1). "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Psalm 22:1). "Why, O Lord do you reject me and hide your face from me?" (Psalm 88:14). I can feel the anguish and anger; I can see the shaking fists.
But what does venting to God accomplish? And why does God allow us to suffer in the first place? Does it make sense for God to bring us to a place where we are so downcast and despondent that we question our faith and shake our fist at him? Divorce, illness, abuse, betrayal, death -- wave after wave, crashing against the ever-changing shores of our faith. What divine good could possibly come out of such tragedy?
In my short life, I've sat with many friends through their wilderness times, and have been fortunate to have many friends who sat with me through my wilderness times. Together, we've learned not only that the grace of God can sustain a pilgrim through a period of suffering, but also that the suffering itself can be a grace of God. The apostle Paul agrees: "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him" (Philippians 1:29).
Having to let go of earthly pursuits in order to be free to reach higher for divine ones. Experiencing the loss of loved ones so as to cherish more deeply the never-ending relationship that we can have with God. Dealing with family dysfunctionality in all of its messiness rather than living in denial and distancing. These are the graces of God that my friends and I have received in the midst of our sufferings. Indeed, times of suffering have been graciously given to us.
But on the road to such lessons we have had to make some repeated stops in the lands of bitterness, anger and disillusionment. If we had thought these stops were not an option on our faith journey, we would have never made any progress on that journey, left in that stagnant place of gnawing doubt about God's goodness and power, of unexpressed emotion and latent resentment.
God has received our shaking fists and expressions of doubt, as he has for saints throughout the generations. Jacob wrestled with God (Genesis 32:24). Job rued his very existence and wondered aloud about the integrity of God. Before he submitted, Jesus in the garden wished to shipwreck God's plan for him because of the physical and emotional anguish it would entail (Matthew 26:39, Mark 14:36, Luke 22:42). God may not have answered their "prayers," but he heard them out and honored them all.
We need not let tragedy or defeat shake our belief that God is all-powerful and all-loving. And we need not keep those raw emotions inside when the press of suffering squeezes out of us feelings of unbelief and anger towards God. He is at work on our faith and in our lives, even and especially in these wilderness times, and even and especially as we communicate honestly with him.
Lee Huang is from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.