September/October 2001
Negotiating Skills
by J. Michael Krivyanski
| Parents are in a constant struggle between telling their children when they're making a mistake and consoling their children when they learn about mistakes on their own. |
There comes a time during a child's development when their language skills kick in to a point where they're able to make an attempt at negotiating just about everything that affects them. Gone are the days of just giving them things, and now begins the time when they start to behave like little politicians trying to talk their way into getting whatever it may be that they want.
"It's time for bed."
"Aww, I don't want to go to bed."
"It's past your bedtime, now let's get going."
"There's monsters in my room."
"Ah, not anymore. I sprayed your room with anti-monster spray and all the monsters left."
"There's also giant invisible spiders in my room."
"The anti-monster spray also makes giant invisible spiders go away."
"Can I sleep in your room?"
"Where do you think all the monsters and giant invisibles spiders went when they left your room?"
"Good night."
From a parents' perspective the challenge is to get their child to do what they want without getting upset during the process. From the child's viewpoint, the object is to get what they want by out-smarting those silly adults who think they know so much but can't even get a decent score on an easy video game.
"You need to finish your vegetables."
"I hate vegetables. They make me so sick my head will just blow up."
"They're good for you."
"I don't care. They taste awful."
"Your favorite football player said he got big and strong by eating vegetables and if you ever want to be as big and strong as him, you'll eat your vegetables too."
"What about if I want to grow up to be only as big and strong as Dad?"
"Then you'll have to eat at least half your vegetables."
"Okay."
The whole process occurs because from the minute children are born, they embark on a lifelong journey toward independence. This journey will take them down roads previously traveled by their parents who know about mistakes, successes and what their children should do if only they would listen.
Parents are in a constant struggle between telling their children when they're making a mistake and consoling their children when they learn about mistakes on their own. It's the difference between telling your child not to sniff the flower that has a bee in it and comforting them when they don't listen and get stung anyway.
When a child challenges their parents, they are not trying to say, "I know I'm only four years old, but I know more than you." They are probably trying to say, "I know I'm only four years old, but if I don't experience this for myself, I won't understand why not to do it."
"Mommy, can I show you what I got?"
"You just tracked mud all over a clean floor I've just spent the past two hours cleaning."
"But I want to show you what I got."
"I told you to take your shoes off before you come in the house. Now why didn't you do what you were told?"
"But I want to show you what I got."
"All right. What is it?"
Slowly a batch of wildflowers held in the little child's hand is brought from behind his back. Showing a sincere smile the child carefully hands them to his mother.
"I picked these flowers special for you, Mom, because you're the best."
It's good to teach children about following rules, but it's even better to fill those lessons with lots of parental understanding, kindness and love.
-- J. Michael Krivyanski