January/February 2002
A House Divided
by Christy Barritt
| I never thought that my church -- my family -- would fall. I thought we were stronger than that. |
Diivorce wasn't in my vocabulary. It was something that happened to other families, but not mine. We had it all together. Or so I thought.
The fighting started while I was away at college. I called home and I could tell something was wrong. No one wanted to admit it at first but eventually it all began to come out. The unkind things that were being said, the backstabbing, the gossip.
As much as I would have liked to keep my distance from the problems at home, the day eventually came when I had to face reality. It was break time at school, and I had a plane ticket home. I usually looked forward to going home but not this time. This time I felt that I would have to choose sides, and that was making me an emotional mess.
During my flight home, I felt a sense of dread. When the time came when I actually had to walk through the doors and greet everyone, I felt unsure. How would I act once I got inside? How would everyone else act once I got inside? But to my surprise everyone seemed happy -- like this divorce was for the best. I could see through it though. I knew this had hurt my brothers and sisters also. The only difference between them and me was that they'd been around to witness the demise.
My tears that weekend did nothing to change the fact that my family was divided. I survived our time together and went back to college, still turning over in my mind what had happened. My friends noticed something was wrong with me. I wasn't talking about my family as much as I had in the past. I used to sing my family's praises every chance I got -- I thought they could do no wrong. But things had changed, and I was no longer proud of my roots. My world had been shaken, and it would never be the same.
With time, I thought, I had buried all my feelings and hurts, dealing with them in a distant sort of way. But when I became engaged a year and a half later, all of my hurts surfaced again as everyone in my family began to give me advice on marriage. Still trying to show them respect, I could only nod as they spoke with me and shared their wisdom on commitment. Deep down inside I resented their advice because I'd seen what their idea of commitment was. When things didn't go the way they wanted, they went their separate ways. Some commitment, I thought. No, I didn't need or want their advice.
The divorce that I'm speaking of was not between my mother and father. It was a divorce that happened within my church. Most people call my church divorce a church split. My heart was torn in half. I was so disappointed in the ugliness that had occurred among people I'd once respected. I began to question the very existence of the church. I knew in my heart that the church was an institution ordained by God; we were the body of Christ. I never thought my church -- my family -- would fall. I thought we were stronger than that.
Church splits aren't unusual. Though we as Christians are called to love, we fight behind our own walls, doing a poor job at practicing love. Even sadder is the fact that splits occur over petty issues such as members not agreeing about the color of the new carpet, or because they don't like the style of music being played and sung.
If your church has split, you may understand how painful it is. Here are a few things I've learned from dealing with my church split that I hope might also help you.
1. Don't focus on the problem. If we focus on the fact that our church has split, we'll stop focusing on the reason we come together as a church -- to worship, to grow, to fellowship. We're not responsible for the actions of others, but we are responsible for our own actions. One woman I know was so disgusted by what had happened that she just stopped going to church after the split. Though this may be a tempting option, it is important to be watching out for our own spiritual well being. Going to church is an essential part of our growth as a Christian.
2. Remember that bitterness festers. We must let go of any bitterness we feel towards those involved and work at bringing unity to the body. I had a hard time with bitterness when my church split occurred. I wanted to place blame on those directly involved. Though the blame was sometimes rightly deserved, I realized that I couldn't throw the stone in my own hand while standing there aware of my own imperfections in other areas.
3. Forgiveness is essential. When we don't forgive others it separates us from God, and we only hurt ourselves. Colossians 3:13 tells us to: "Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." The Lord gracefully gives his forgiveness when we seek after it. It's the least we can do for others.
4. Don't gossip about the people who seem to be in the center of it. We are warned against this in James 3:10 when James says, "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be." It's easy to want to trash-talk the people we are upset with, but this won't help the problem. In fact, it will make things worse by involving more people and promoting dissension. If you have a problem with someone, take it to them. They may have some answers for you or be able to explain some of their actions. There may be a side to the story that you were unaware of.
5. Pray. Pray that the Lord will give you peace and understanding. Pray for strength to let go of bitterness.
Any way you look at church splits, they are difficult. God doesn't like them anymore than you do. He shares in your heartbreak. But God heals those who seek him -- even church splits.
Christy Barritt lives in Virginia Beach, Virginia.