January/February 2002

Tired of young people who are obnoxious and rude?
Who's to blame for kids who are irresponsible, disrespectful and out-of-control?
We offer some practical insights and sound solutions in...

Plain Truth About
PARENTING

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Feeling Good,
Acting Bad

by John K. Rosemond

I was about to speak in an elementary school in Alabama when nature called. Upon walking into the boys rest-room, I couldn't help but notice a computer-generated banner above the mirror on which was printed in large letters: "You are now looking at one of the most special people in the whole wide world!"

I knew the special person in question wasn't me, so I assumed this is what the school's principal and teachers wanted each and every child in the school to believe. No one can fault the intention behind such a banner. The fault lies in the fact that it simply isn't true. The truth is -- no one is special. By virtue of being human, one is fraught with fault. It is supremely easy to give in to one's own self-centered nature, to justify outbursts of hurtful anger, selfishness, jealousy and so on. Keeping the demons under control requires effort. Good parenting -- a balance of unconditional love and firm discipline -- equips a child with the ability to make and maintain (with reasonable success) that effort.

Above all, good parenting endows a child with a sense of social obligation (respect for others) strong enough to successfully suppress (most of the time) his or her self-centered impulses. The child develops self-respect due to the efforts of parents who guide him toward respecting others, not because he's told he's special. You think your child is special? That's fine. The difference between feeling that your child is special to you and leading him to believe he is special in the universal sense is apples and coconuts. There's something dreadfully wrong, in fact, with a parent who is devoid of the feeling that his or her children are special. But, "You're very special to me" is a far cry from "You're special!"

Should a child be told he is capable of great things, that he can overcome adversity, rise to a challenge and so on? Of course! But none of that is synonymous with leading a child to believe, however well-intentioned the leading, that he is a cut above. A child who thinks he's special in that sense is likely to think he's also deserving of special things, special privileges, being first in line, having the best bicycle and so on. Is it all right for a child to feel pride in his accomplishments? Yes, but that's different from being prideful, as in vain and egotistical. Pride is authentic only when the person in question is fundamentally humble. Authentic pride, furthermore, is directed not at the self but at specific accomplishments.

The notion reflected on that bathroom banner is, moreover, contrary to a child's best interests. Every parent should want to produce children who are socially charming. I ask you to consider: Is an adult who thinks he or she is one of the most special people in the whole wide world charming? Of course not! A person who believes that about himself iswell, obnoxious is a good descriptor. Why then, pray tell, are adults encouraging children to believe they are special?

Beginning in the 1960s, professional parenting "experts" began telling parents to direct their energies toward nurturing something they called "self-esteem." I've been a critic of this idea for a long time. If it's not the self we're talking about but the good things the self does, then let's not call it self-esteem. After all, esteem means worship. If self-worship is really not what is meant by the term "self-esteem," then let's call it something like responsible.

The world would be a better place if adults concentrated on teaching children to be responsible -- to have compassion and respect for others (social responsibility), to do their best (task responsibility) and to do the right thing even when no one else is watching (personal responsibility).

Parents can produce children who fit the above description by applying the following fairly old-fashioned set of child-rearing principles:

1. Praise the act, not the child. More than 30 years ago, Rudolph Dreikurs, author of Children: The Challenge, warned parents against the use of "evaluative praise," by which he meant praise that was directed at the child rather than some specific accomplishment. To say to a child, "You're a wonderful little boy!" is as hurtful to the child's self-image as saying, "You're a little brat!" What the pleased parent or teacher really means and should really say is, "You did a great job on this, and you should be proud."

2. Praise conservatively. Effusive praise can create a powerful dependency. The child who asks for praise constantly, who always seems to need to be reassured that he's doing a good job, is usually a child who's been on the receiving end of praise that has not only been excessive in amount but also unwarranted. The child has become addicted to receiving regular doses of praise. Yes, he's insecure, in that he only feels secure when an adult is praising him. But this is not the same as being insecure because you're unsure of your parents' love because they never praise. A child who receives no praise doesn't go looking for it.

3. Help your children learn they are capable of standing on their own two feet by not letting them stand on yours. Do for your children only what they can't do for themselves, and remember that children usually underestimate their ability. Their cries for help are often no more than knee-jerk responses to frustration. It is a parent's job to bring out the best in his kids. Often, the best way of doing so is simply to say, "No."

I love to tell the story of the time I asked my mom for help with a fifth-grade math assignment. She looked at the book for a minute or so, then handed it back, saying, "I figured this out on my own when

I was in the fifth-grade, and so can you."

Was I happy with her response? Absolutely not! Did I figure out my assignment? Yes, because she wouldn't figure it out for me. If she had done what many moms feel compelled to do -- i.e., help -- I'd have ended up believing more in my mother than in myself. Learning to stand on one's own feet isn't supposed to be easy. But the only people who ever truly make it are people who are able to hang tough in the face of frustrating circumstances.

4. Teach your children that choices result in consequences. When your children misbehave, punish. Show them by example, which is how children learn, that one must pay a price for misbehavior. When a child does something bad, he should be made to feel bad about it. This is how conscience -- the ultimate behavioral governor -- develops. On the other hand, when your child behaves well, acknowledge the accomplishment with moderate praise. Not rewards, mind you, and not lavish praise, but something simple, like, "I'm mighty proud of what you did."

5. Teach your children good manners. In the process of learning to say "please," "thank you" and "I'm sorry," learning not to interrupt conversations and so on, a child acquires sensitivity for other people's feelings, without which respect for others is impossible. Above all else, we need to bring an emphasis on humility back into the child-rearing equation. There is, after all, no one more obnoxious than someone who thinks he's special and no one more charming than a person who's more interested in you than in having you know about him.

I encourage the well-intentioned principal of that Alabama elementary school to tear down the "You're special" banners and replace them with banners that read, "Do something special for someone else today, just because you should." 

For more information on John Rosemond and his organization, please visit his website at www.rosemond.com or call 1-800-525-2778.

Being a Father Who Makes a Difference

by Victor Parachin

Tom Block stunned the corporate world when he resigned as chief executive officer of H & R Block, the $1.7 billion tax-preparation and financial services firm, to become a teacher at St. Francis Xavier middle school in Kansas City, Missouri. His annual salary suddenly dropped to $15,000 a year, about three percent of his former salary. The reason for that dramatic career change: Block knew his hectic schedule as CEO had been interfering with his top priority -- his wife and their two sons.

"The hardest part was telling my father," Block says of H & R Block chairman Henry Block, who co-founded the company in 1955. "But I didn't want to look back on my life and say, 'You had an opportunity to play a bigger role in your children's lives and didn't take it.'"

Like all good fathers, Tom Block knows that being an effective parent means making children a top priority in his life. And he is willing to make the necessary changes and adjustments in order to be that kind of parent. In addition to making children a priority, here are seven other ways to be a father who makes a difference.

1. Fathers who make a difference know their role is unique and vital. For children, fatherhood is destiny. More than any other factor, a father's presence in the family will determine a child's success and happiness. Rich or poor, black or white, the children of divorce and those born outside marriage often struggle through life at a disadvantage, say an increasing number of social thinkers. "Fatherlessness is the most destructive trend of our generation," declares David Blankenhorn, author of Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem.

Statistics back up his observation. Today, 38 percent of all children live without their biological fathers, up from just 17.5 percent in 1960. More than half of today's children will spend part of childhood without a father. The physical absence of fathers is increasingly linked to social nightmares such as boys with guns and girls with babies. Some 46 percent of families with children headed by single mothers live below the poverty line, compared with 8 percent of those with two parents. The message: fathers are unique and vital. An active father provides an important foundation for his children and their ongoing security, stability and development.

2. Fathers who make a difference truly love their wives. Fathers who treat their wives with kindness, tenderness, respect, honor and love create a more secure, comfortable and emotionally strengthening environment for their children than do fathers who are distant and detached from their wives. "When I get married, I can only hope that I will have found someone who loves me as much as Dad loves Mom," says Rebecca Lobo, a former College Player of the Year and professional basketball player with the Women's National Basketball Association's team New York Liberty. "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. My dad is a perfect example of that."

3. Fathers who make a different stay involved even when there is a divorce. Mature men and wise fathers know that a divorce signals the end of a marriage but not the end of their family. Consequently, they remain active and involved in every facet of their children's lives. Consider this glowing tribute delivered by an ex-wife on Father's Day. "Next month will make our son's 18th birthday and the end of my child-support payments. We also have a daughter in college. My children's father has always been a strong, positive influence in their lives. He not only made his child-support payments on time, he also participated enthusiastically in our children's activities. He coached our son's little league team and bought season tickets to the symphony for our daughter when she was learning to play the violin," the woman wrote.

She went on to explain that she and her husband separated when the children were young but "the kids spent at least two nights a week with their dad ever since we parted. He was always available to help take care of them when they were sick or had doctor's appointments. We all turned out to be winners because my ex-husband met me more than halfway. I would like to thank him for that and wish him a richly deserved happy Father's Day."

4. Fathers who make a difference are encouragers. Effective fathers know that children blossom when they receive encouragement and praise, much like flowers which receive sun and water. Shirley Gould, a psychotherapist and author of How to Raise an Independent Child wisely notes: "Children respond best to those acts and words that they perceive as encouraging and worst to punishment and degrading comments, which inflict discouragement. Encouragement enables. Discouragement disables."

5. Fathers who make a difference model and instill values. Children need clear and unambiguous role models. Indeed, their first and most important teachers are their parents. Good fathers model the virtues -- honesty, integrity, compassion, kindness, loyalty, perseverance, etc. -- they hope to instill in their children. They make certain that their deeds match their creeds and that their acts are consistent with their words. Good fathers leave moral imprints on their children for the rest of their lives.

One man tells of his father's positive influence in his life. "At Cody High School I was known as Alibi Al because I tried to get away with everything," he recalls. "But when I was 18, I got arrested for shooting up mailboxes with a .22 rifle and was placed on probation for two years." Alibi Al's mother was devastated and his siblings were disappointed. His father never said much about the incident until one night at dinner a few weeks later. "He did something I had never seen before. He started crying. 'Where have we failed?' the father pleaded." Alibi Al was heartsick. "I had disappointed to the point of tears the man I loved and admired more than anyone else in the world. On that day I started to grow up. I realized that actions have consequences and that mine had embarrassed the entire family. I vowed it would never happen again."

Alibi Al recalls a time when his father ran for the U.S. Senate but was defeated by a very popular politician. Initially depressed, the father bounced back after a few months. "Hatred and unhappiness corrode the container they're carried in, Pop said, making me realize that it does no good to blame others when you're down." In 1954 when Alibi Al was age 23, his father was elected governor of Wyoming and eight years later ran again for a Senate seat and won. "His positive outlook was crucial to his success -- and mine. He taught me that losing battles is part of politics and that feelings of gloom and doom, hatred or jealousy have no place in a productive life." Alibi Al is Alan K. Simpson of Wyoming who served three terms in the U.S. Senate and is now at Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government. 

Victor Parachin lives with his family in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Just Say "No"

by Colleen Reece

One of the most effective ways to train a child is by saying "no." Saying "yes" too often, even for well-intentioned reasons, can have harmful and lasting effects.

Parents who fail to say "no:"

· Rob their children of childhood.

A principal stood at the window watching the playground outside. He sadly said, "There aren't any children these days. Just little old men and women."

Close scrutiny of the younger set confirms how right he is. Small children ape older brothers and sisters in dress and manners. Eleven-year-olds feel they are out of things if they aren't going steady, holding hands, even kissing. Parental desire for their children to be popular is robbing those who deserve carefree joy, not pressure to conform.

· Create selfishness and dissatisfaction.

A wonderful video tells the story of Jeremy Creek. His loving parents were so eager to make him happy, they bought him every toy they could find. It wasn't enough. Jeremy demanded more of everything, even though his closet and room overflowed. The few times Jeremy's parents tried to say "no" and stop buying toys, the bratty child howled so loudly neighbors complained. Jeremy knew all he had to do to get what he wanted was to fly into a rage. A string of firm "no" replies years earlier would have solved the problem.

· Deny children the joy of learning they can do things for themselves.

Several years ago a school held a writing contest, with a prize for the best original story in each grade. Parents were not allowed to help. A certain third-grader worked for hours. The creativity and high quality of her story surprised her educator parents, but they didn't tell their daughter they felt she would win. A wise decision. The prize went to a child who boasted to friends her mother had written the story.

Mother and child were both losers. The third-grader who submitted the real prize-winning entry is a winner. She discovered the joy of writing. She graduated from college, winning journalism awards. Now this former third-grader is age 30 and, so far, has sold six books.

· Deny children the joy of anticipation.

I recently wrote a protest letter to a Superintendent of Schools. In an effort to teach etiquette, an over-zealous first-grade teacher had her students practice manners, dance skills, etc. Dress ranged from nice clothes to low-cut gowns on girls.

Placing children in grown-up situations when they are little more than babies cheats them of childhood. It also takes away the joy of anticipation. When small girls -- and boys -- are granted wishes once reserved for older brothers and sisters, the joy of looking forward to those special "somedays" is gone forever.

· Fail to teach the need to take responsibility for their actions.

Parents must and need to support their children, but defending them when they are in the wrong is destructive. Courts and jails are filled with persons who blame everything and everyone but themselves. A serious problem in today's world is the shrinking number of people with the courage and integrity to admit they are wrong. Parents need to say, "No one is to blame but you. We love you, but we refuse to cover up for you. You got in this mess and will have to accept the consequences."

· Leave the false impression the world revolves around the child.

Granting demands, laughing at tantrums and failing to say "no," reinforce this impression. Over-indulged children often become self-centered teens who face the future unprepared. There is little room for pampered persons in the real world. Children must learn early that they cannot always be the center of attention.

· Set examples that may be passed on for generations.

Like mother, like daughter is a well-known truism. A proud mom who allows her first grader to wear shirts that show her navel, or shoes that belong on an adult, sends a clear message: Childhood is unimportant. So does a dad who tells his small son, "Don't be a baby. Real men don't cry." There is every possibility these same messages will be handed down to their children and grandchildren.

The next time you are faced with a yes-or-no choice concerning your children, take some time to consider the long-term ramifications. A firm "no" may well be the kindest, wisest and most loving reply you can make. 

Copyright © 2001 by Colleen L. Reece.

Colleen Reece is a full time writer, teacher and speaker who lives in Auburn, Washington.

The Reason I Teach

by Randy Cate

I teach high school. Some people hear this and do one, or more, of three things: (1) say I am crazy and that I should be concerned for my safety, (2) roll their eyes and tell me I must have the patience of a saint or (3) feel sorry that I spend my days with students who are rude and out of control.

Some students are rude, but so are many adults. Don't believe me? Attend a sporting event, stand in line at the grocery store or watch and listen to them at their kid's activities. The word "adult" becomes a misnomer.

However, if you open your ears and actually listen, you may begin to see our young people as the vast majority of them truly are: hard-working, imaginative, motivated, funny and not at all inclined to destroy America or the world.

Many of them go to school, go to work and go home to take care of their siblings. In their spare time, while trying to raise themselves, they are also raising their parents.

Parents Behaving Badly

Raising their parents? Certainly. Some young people are raising parents who are not home, cannot be found, are addicted, violent and nonsupportive unless they want to use their kid as an excuse for their own risky behaviors. Many parents are uninterested in their kid's interests, but expect the kid to "deal with it" like an adult. Yes, some kids are raising their parents.

Please do not misunderstand me. There are problems with schools. We don't have enough adequate teachers. One need only look at the number of distractions in our daily lives to realize how unimportant education is to the average parent.

The consequences of this mismanaged priority are grave.

Inability to read is destructive to the larger fabric of society; it breeds boredom, suspicion, bigotry and poverty as well as threatening our freedom. Disinterest in learning throughout life destroys an appreciation for living.

Why are so many parents unconcerned about their children's education? Many parents are up to their eyes in debt. With this survival worry, only the strongest parents are inclined to balance the checkbook of time, which is the greatest investment we can make in our children.

Teenagers are aware of these distractions. Some parents spend money to ease the guilt of "too busy to spend time." Other households indulge in television and video games and call it "quality time."

In many homes, newspapers and magazines are nowhere to be found. Reading is too boring. Writing someone a letter takes too much time.

Yet, in spite of all this, my students bring many facts to classroom discussions. Kids speak their minds and even though their timing might be off, their intent is usually honorable. They argue passionately for the issues they believe are important. They may need more information, but with guidance they persevere, if only to put one over on their "mean old English teacher." When I hear "pretty cool today, Mr. Cate," I realize they are thinking.

Until I started to listen to their words, their music, movements and moods, I did not understand how finely their minds work.

Earning or Learning?

Money drives their world and young people are willing to work to earn that money. The only problem with earning money while being a student in high school is the fact that academics often takes a backseat.

Instead of reaching their potential in the classroom, kids are too tired to function at a higher level. When you work until ten o'clock, do homework (when possible) until midnight, then get up for a 7:30 a.m. class, chances are you're not hearing anything until nine o'clock. There are days when students fall asleep in class. Sometimes I let them sleep. This usually occurs once; they apologize and it rarely happens again.

I wish the lure of a car, an apartment and over-priced consumables weren't so prevalent. But all too often the long-term plan is abandoned for short-term gratification.

Society (and often parents) teach them these values, and our children are learning the things that society tells them are important.

That many of those "things" may be vacuous is not relevant. Survival on a daily basis becomes a value system and those values are translated into any means necessary to satisfy a "want."

Goals and Dreams

Many students have "wants" but they are also reaching beyond the immediate; they have plans and their future is clearly coming into focus. They may be raising their parents but they are also making their own way in the world.

The value of substance over style is beginning to shine through in the form of youth volunteer clubs, community involvement and a greater tolerance for differences.

Every day they become more responsible citizens with goals and dreams.

Consider what you would be without those important elements of life. They remind me of myself when I was seventeen. Thank God I never believed the rhetoric about baby boomers!

Thank you, God, for giving me the strength and insight to appreciate those young people who receive no recognition for what they accomplish until one of them makes a tragic mistake. These special kids are too easy to miss and take for granted.

Take a good look, they're everywhere and they are the reason -- I teach high school. 

Randy Cate teaches English at Evergreen High School in Vancouver, Washington.

A 911 Call For Parents

by Barbara Curtis

Life for us will never be the same, the experts say. But we didn't need the experts to tell us. As far away as California, we felt the sting of the gritty fallout, tasted the ash in our mouths, choked in terror as the scary scenes unfolded.

Parents felt a double burden as they tried to deal with everyday demands like fixing sandwiches, shuttling kids to school or teaching them at the dining room table, matching socks and kissing owies -- even as we sought some familiar emotional territory, struggling to keep just ahead of the questions roaring down on us like waves of deadly ash: How do we live now? Where are we headed? What do we tell our children?

Let's start by telling them that yes, life will never be the same. And then let's do our best to make it different.

Let's start by realizing that challenging, difficult times demand the best in us -- that we must become wiser, less selfish, more intentional parents. Let's start by acknowledging that raising the next generation is not about preschool waiting lists, soccer teams, SAT scores or years of "doing your own thing."

Our children have been besieged by overwhelming images: planes turned into loaded weapons, symbols of our security crumbling to the ground, people leaping from burning buildings. The newest pages in the same personal-horror archives our kids have been collecting all their lives: A mother drowning her children in the bathtub, teens in black trench coats killing schoolmates, a fireman with a bloody baby in his arms, starving children in Africa too weak to brush the flies from their eyes.

How do we help our children cope? How do we help them live in hope instead of fear?

Let's start by taking the words good and evil out of the closet. Let's put the brakes on the tolerance/diversity steamroller which has decimated our analytical heritage and produced a realm of moral relativists so confused they want to protect the private lives of philandering politicians and exploiters of women while laying waste to Promise Keepers and Boy Scouts.

Or as extremely confused as the analyst who stated that while Americans think they're right, so does the enemy -- so who's to say?

Enough, already. It's one thing to keep an open mind -- quite another to let your brains fall out.

Let's teach our kids unabashedly about right and wrong. Let's give them a framework for understanding the otherwise incomprehensible events and bizarre political melodramas swirling through the background of their lives. This will save them a lot of confusion.

Let's pull the plug on books and music and movies and clothing that are making our kids less than they can be -- cultural claptrap which is feeding their moral confusion, hedonism, selfishness and foolishness.

How, for instance, have we allowed the world to over-stimulate, over-sexualize and trivialize our children? Now, as we face an uncertain national future, will parents realize how ill-prepared our children are for hardship, self-denial and self-sacrifice?

Let's start now, this minute, to give back to our kids what -- in the name of multiculturalism -- schools have denied them: Pride in their country, devotion to their language and loyalty to their flag. Teach them now, teach them well and teach them never to forget just how blessed they are to have been born Americans.

But first, many parents will have to "get it" themselves. Will those so far stymied by their obsession with eternal youth, being buddies to their children, lack of impulse control and moral ambivalence finally grow up to be real parents?

If so, then no matter what uncertain future we face as a nation, we will face it with certainty in our homes. And life will not be the same -- but in the ways that matter most, it will be better.

Barbara Curtis is author of two books: Small Beginnings: First Steps to Prepare Your Child for Lifelong Learning and Ready, Set, Read!, as well as several hundred feature articles and commentaries. She lives with her very large family in Petaluma, California.

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