May/June 2002
Passion in the Pulpit
by Leslie Armstrong
"I'm not the man I seem. I've lived in this township my whole life, my purpose clear. But now I'd risk everything; my life, my ministry, my soul -- just to spend a few moments alone with you. God help me."
Reverend Dimsdale, The Scarlet Letter
He was a passionate man, one of God's chosen. Within the very depth of his heart, he dared to feel and express himself. When he spoke, people listened, knowing words of wisdom would flow. He was compassionate, understanding, loving, patient and a warrior, both in and out of prayer. He turned ordinary words into psalms and chords into music as his enemies came crashing down around him. He was bold and courageous -- a man after God's own heart, a conqueror in every definition of the word, except when it came to a woman named Bathsheba. Overall, the general trend of King
David's life was spiritual, as with many other men and women of God who have stepped aside from their God-given role to partake of the forbidden fruit.
According to a national study of 4,000 active leaders conducted by counselors at First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California, one out of four male leaders in Christianity admits to indulging in "sexually inappropriate" behavior (including; an emotional affair, physical touch, such as kissing or fondling, or sexual intercourse) with someone who was not his wife since the time he first became involved with ministry. The study compared four different surveys given to leaders of 18 different religious affiliations over a ten-year period with respect to emerging trends in infidelity, and revealed a disturbing number of leaders who wrestle with temptation.
How It All Got Started
Weaknesses in our culture, upbringing and the structure of ministry may all be major factors in the dance of infidelity. According to Dave Carder, author of the book, Torn Asunder, adultery is woven throughout the fabric of our culture. "From television shows such as NYPD Blue, Melrose Place and Sisters, to the pages of our daily newspapers, infidelity is all too common -- and is being glamorized." It is true -- family sitcoms like Little House on the Prairie and The Cosby Show have been replaced with Ally McBeal, Friends and Spin City, where the game of playing the field and adultery are the norm, and monogamous relationships are foreign. It's not merely television, but billboards, magazines and pornography that have infiltrated our culture, breeding lust and unbridled passion with the underlying theme, "Just do it!"
Unmet emotional needs generated from one's childhood appear to be another factor. Many people subconsciously hope that their spouse will be able to fulfill emotional needs that have gone unmet by their family. Upon realizing the spouse doesn't encompass their every need, many individuals often begin to believe the lie that there is a person out there who can. Or perhaps they start to tell themselves they didn't really love their spouse, have fallen out of love or have made a mistake in marrying.
Carder believes that certain marital styles seem to increase the risk for marital unfaithfulness.
"Intimacy avoidant is a marital pattern where the spouses pick on each other and criticize each other in order to keep emotional distance in the relationship.
Conflict avoidant is a pattern, in which emotional distance is created because neither spouse wants to discuss marital disappointments and unhappiness. Both marital styles fail to nurture the individual spouses and leave partners vulnerable to looking outside the marriage for their emotional needs to be met."
| Religious leaders live under the weight of tremendous expectations -- imposed by themselves and their congregations. |
Also, men and women in Christian ministry often work side by side, which may lead to emotional and physical intimacy. Most leaders instinctively project an image of power, passion, success and authority; all of which can be overwhelmingly attractive traits to a woman with insecurities or regrets in her own marriage. For the leader who is often absent from his family, the responsibility and pressure of the home can seem less appealing than the light-hearted, stress-free relationship with women outside the home.
The leaders surveyed felt that stress was one of the main reasons they strayed. Frequent evening church meetings, stress from the congregation and family problems were all components. Roy Fizwater, co-director of operations and development at SonScape Re-Creation Ministries, Inc., a retreat center in Colorado for pastors, missionaries and those doing full-time Christian work, agrees. "Religious leaders live under the weight of tremendous expectations -- imposed by themselves and their congregations. They give and they give and eventually the well runs dry."
According to Carder, "The most important motivator of any affair is the deep desire to be nurtured and loved unconditionally. That includes many components such as touch, attitude, playfulness, romance, sex and appreciation." When both the leader and his spouse are active in different ministries, having responsibilities and extensive time away from one another, many of these components are absent from the relationship. In fact, almost 32 percent of those who admitted moral failures in this study said they experienced marital dissatisfaction, indicating that one or more of these components were absent from their marriage.
At Risk?
Further results of the study completed by First Evangelical Free Church indicate three additional factors that did not necessarily lead to sexual immorality, but significantly increased its probability. They are:
· Background factors -- a history of sexual abuse in childhood, harmful sexual attitudes communicated by the family of origin and the parents' model of unfaithfulness.
· Personal factors -- fantasy about someone other than the spouse, a family history of abuse or alcoholism and exposure to pornography.
· Interpersonal factors -- an unhealthy physical attraction to others and dissatisfaction with the sexual intimacy of marriage.
Accountability
According to the study, 93 percent of men who admitted stepping over the lines of sexual immorality said that the church didn't find out about their relationship, and 71 percent said their wives didn't know. Could it be that there is a lack of accountability in the lives of many leaders? Representative Tim Dement (S.C.), elected to the House of Representatives in 1998 believes so, and insists on the importance of accountability. "Part of leadership is isolation. That's one reason we see great men fall so often and so badly -- that you are isolated even if you don't want to be. You've got to have some courageous, brutally honest friends who are not impressed by whatever title you have. I look at somebody (who's fallen)and I've got to realize, hey, something snuck up on those guys. Who was covering their backs?"
The Bible gives many examples of leaders who had friends who confronted them in love about tough issues. Nathan had this difficult job with King David. Too often however, accountability is disregarded due to lack of time and effort. Religious leaders take on the burdens of the entire community while they themselves have no one to talk with about their struggles.
| Most leaders project an image of power, passion, success and authority -- attractive traits to a woman with insecurities in her own marriage. |
According to Dement, it is the responsibility of leaders who want to be successful on behalf of God to ask for accountability in their lives, or the effects of the deficiency could be devastating for many. "If my marriage falls apart, it's different now than when I was an elder in the church. My marriage is just as important, but now a moral failure on my part would damage a much wider circle of people." Christian leaders share a moral code of ethics to protect the sheep in their flock -- to be an example for others.
Recommendations
According to the study, the following items may offer some protection against infidelity.
· Cultivate your personal relationship with Christ -- the survey found that the more spiritually mature the leader was, the less likely he or she would act out sexually.
· Overcome any negative childhood views of sex -- develop healthy, shame-free sexual attitudes.
· Practice internal self-awareness -- recognize what is going on inside of you and why.
· Set aside time to process major transitions -- such events as a job change, income reduction, cross country move, pregnancy, health crisis or death of friends or family make an individual vulnerable to infidelity.
· Work through the pain of childhood molestation.
· Avoid personal, intimate relationships with the opposite sex if you are married. Statistics show that if someone has a close friend of the opposite sex, the risk of sexual intimacy is two times greater.
· Know your family history of infidelity.
· Develop emotional intimacy in your marriage.
Conclusion
Infidelity in the leadership of the body of Christ has a devastating impact on the leader, family, the church and community. Adultery betrays the trust of God's people, and abuses the leader's office.
Even though many leaders have experienced factors listed above, adultery is not inevitable. The risk can be reduced. If you or someone you know has stepped over moral lines, you can be assured that restoration for you, your marriage and your ministry is attainable through Christ. No sin is too great for him to forgive and no hurt is too great for him to heal.
Colorado resident, Leslie Armstrong is a teacher, freelance writer and humorous and inspirational speaker.