May/June 2002

Sex, Love and Addiction

by Kari West

Sex sells. And marketers know we are a nation dissatisfied. We are dissatisfied with our bodies, our partners and our sexual performance as these ads imply: "Male virility enhanced...Guaranteed!" and "Increase breast size and firmness...naturally."1 A glance at billboards reveals that sex promotes discontent with the toothpaste we use, the car we drive and the cosmetics we buy. A recent issue of Cosmopolitan simply sizzled with sex:

· Sexify Your Look -- Beauty Moves So Hot, You'll Melt His Ice-Cream Cone

· My Car Turned Me On! Hilarious Tales of Accidental Pleasure

· Man Overload! How to Reel In Bunches of Boys

· Make Him Crazy for You -- The Little Word That Works Like Magic on Men

· Cosmo's Summer Sex Survey -- See How You Compare! What Other Women Love; What Other Couples Do; And, Oh Yes, the Shocking Act 41 percent of You Have Tried.

Living In A Sex-Saturated Society

Visible around us are troubling signs of what Dr. Patrick Carnes, a clinical director of sexual disorders in Minnesota, calls "deep sexual discontent"2 -- adolescent prostitutes, pornography, affairs, date rape, AIDS, babies born out of wedlock, abortion and divorce. Camouflaged beneath these social ills is the loss of intimacy, shattered trust and what some call "the slow suicide of the soul."

We have forgotten that even if we're great in bed, sex is not insurance against abandonment. Sex is not proof of loving someone or being loved. Sex doesn't make us important or attractive, nor does it alleviate the pain of childhood abuse or neglect. Separated from committed love and intimate caring, sex becomes strictly an immediate external form of gratification.

We seldom blush anymore. What once shocked us -- those titillating bedroom scenes and dirty talk of X-rated films -- are now mainstream. We've moved past embarrassment and outrage into resignation and acceptance.

We are a society obsessed with self and sex. Catering to one's libido is fast becoming our primary value and point of reference. Behavior once scandalous is no longer sequestered but is now a spectator sport as evidenced in the exhibitionism of reality TV and the orgy of silicone seductresses on MTV. Hollywood regularly invites us to be outside looking in at explicit sex scenes, like voyeurs.3 Untethered from the usual social restraints, perversion now boldly invades our personal computers.

Defining Sexual Addiction

Healthy sex enriches marriage. Within the framework of an intimate, committed, caring relationship, we feel complete and connected. But an insatiable obsession and/or addiction that turns people into sex objects to use and abuse, conquer and control detaches us from our spouse, disengages us from our family, destroys our integrity and distances us from the love we seek. Losses reported by sex addicts include:

· Loss of spouse, 40 percent

· Severe marital problems, 70 percent

· Loss of career opportunities, 27 percent

· Suicidal obsession, 72 percent; suicide attempts, 17 percent

· Legal risks, from nuisance offenses to rape, 58 percent.4

Addicts are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue an unhealthy compulsive behavior that dominates their life and becomes more important than family, friends and work says Dr. Carnes, author of Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, the premier text in the field and the first book published on the topic.

Dwight Hervey Small, sociology professor emeritus at Westmont College and author of Christian, Celebrate Your Sexuality, sees sexual addiction manifesting itself in four types of individuals:

1. The compulsive, overly-insistent spouse who never seems satiated;

2. Individuals, whether single or married, who repeatedly seek sex from casual encounters;

3. Those who pay prostitutes for what they can't acquire by effort or manipulation;

4. Those who compulsively turn to Internet porn or under-the-counter literature.5

Sexual addiction is a quest for pleasure, power or a method of self-sabotage that can be impersonal or personal, explains Dr. Tom Whiteman, president of Life Counseling Services in Pennsylvania. "As with other drugs, the desire for sex draws people deeper and deeper in their quest for a greater and greater high. The addict finds that impersonal pornography doesn't please him anymore, so he indulges in new (sometimes dangerous or illegal) activities to attain his desired level of exhilaration and sexual release."6

Why do some of us wander so far from the love we crave? How does sex, the most intimate act of a man and woman in marriage, turn into an addiction that shatters lives and rips apart families?

Medicating Life's Pain With Sex

Sex can alleviate stress or cause more. Sex either elicits reverence for the intimacy we experience with our spouse, repulses us when we feel used or it becomes a commodity we trade. Sex also enhances a sense of well-being, or it can traumatize us, as sexual abuse victims learn. Studies show that 82 percent of sex addicts have a history of sexual abuse.7 If we were abused early in life or basic life needs were not met, sex can become an antidote to numb and control pain and anger. But relief is temporary; self obsession with past hurts returns, along with the need for the next "fix." Sexual addiction is about managing emotional pain.

People become addicted for biological, psychological and spiritual reasons says Dr. Doug Weiss, of Heart to Heart Counseling Centers. "The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance. The addiction is their spirituality; it comforts them, celebrates them, and is always available and present."8

Whatever its description or category, addictive sex is a fast-acting panacea, whose fleeting relief keeps us coming back for more. Like any substance addiction, the highs get less and less over time. In our despair, we become dependent upon the next sexual encounter to make our wounds go away. As obsession builds, along with blame and shame, addicts detach from others. In isolation and secrecy, they feel safe and in control, believing, If people really know me, they won't like me -- or they will leave me. The result is an inability to bond and loss of intimacy.

Seeking Pleasure Over Intimacy

Fear of rejection often drives an addict toward the instant gratification of sexual pleasure without an emotional connection. Confusing the sex drive with a need for belonging and acceptance, the addict goes after arousal to connect to another.

The sex addict is convinced that his or her sexual need is stronger than other people's, ranking it with the need for food and water says Steve Arterburn, president of New Life Treatment Centers,9 explaining that sex addicts do not set out to be compulsive masturbators, promiscuous with multiple partners or seek to abuse and victimize others; and that recovering addicts, when they see how much they wanted to be loved and accepted, look back in disbelief at their behavior. "Seeking relief from the pain of rejection, they betrayed their values, their morals, their very selves. Seeking acceptance, they ended up isolated from everyone."10

Dwight Small agrees that, reduced to a simple biological function, sex becomes insignificant so far as the development of meaningful spousal relations are concerned. "The emotional contract between two loving hearts loses out as two people make love without loving," Small says. "What God intended to be a spiritual-sexual connection between loving spouses has, for some individuals, been demonized. What so pitifully is gained is no compensation for the loss of value and meaning."11

Finding the Love We Crave

The reason people chase after sex with such desperate abandon is because, whether they know it or not, they are searching for God, notes Dr. Carnes, who sees healthy, successful sex and a well-developed spiritual life as inextricably linked. "The common denominator of sex and spirituality is the search for meaning," he says. "Too often in our culture, we see the relationship of sexuality and spirituality as a war in which one must defeat and destroy the other. This is, however, futile. The desire to unite through the sexual act can metaphorically be seen as a drive to once again be united with the Divine." Carnes states that when we are unable to recognize the fact that we are part of this larger whole then our search for meaning leads us down an addictive, unmanageable, out-of-control path where we turn to relationships with objects -- the false gods of alcohol, money, sex, food -- to fill the void.12

Relief from the despair and guilt of sexual addiction isn't found in one more glance at pornography or with a different partner, but in living honestly before God and others, as we dare to face the pain we suffer and inflict. Only when we discover who we are without God and realize there is no place else to go but to God, will we drop to our knees and seek the help we need. While we may live the rest of our lives with images we can't forget and consequences we can't fix, it's never too late to become the man or woman God already sees us as and determine what healthy sex looks like by merging our spiritual beliefs with our sexual behavior.

Familiar with the intense daily struggle against sexual addiction, Lance, a minister on the East Coast advises:

· Take the initiative to break the cycle. Just as you said, "Yes, yes, yes," you can choose to say, "No, no, no." In the real world, nobody's body looks the way the media portrays. Such fantasies are destroying the real romance God prepared for you and bleeding energy out of your marriage.

· Realize that sneaking in videos, hiding porn in the closet or having affairs on the road creates multiple layers of guilt that will increase your despair.

· Realize that sexual addiction cannot be conquered alone. Consider an accountability group where you can be honest with yourself. When you take away the addiction, there's a void that needs to be filled with the right choices and an ongoing relationship with God.

The greatest romantic connection is the greatest love story ever told (John 3:16). There is a world where our hurts are history (Revelation 21). But in the here-and-now, no person or object can quench our thirst for acceptance, meet our need for attachment or provide us with the genuine pleasure we were originally created to enjoy in Eden.13 Only in body-mind-heart-soul surrender to God alone will we find the meaning we seek and the love we crave (Psalm 36:7-9). 

1 "WELLQUEST presents." advertisement.

2 Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., Sexual Anorexia -- Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred,(c)1997, Hazelden,

Center City, Minnesota, p. 23.

3 Voyeurism is about watching others do what one is not doing. From the French word voir, "to see" and the Latin word videre (the root of the word video).

4 Source: Dr. Carnes, "Sex Addiction and Recovery Resources/ Q&A," p. 5 of 8, as featured on his website: www.sexhelp.com.

5 Interview with Dwight Hervey Small, sociology professor emeritus, Westmont College.

6 Tom Whiteman, Ph.D. Victim of Love, (c)1998, Pinon Press, Colorado Springs, CO 80935, p.25-27.

7 From the website of The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity at www.ncsac.org/article, Papers and Articles, Vol 90/No6/November 1, 1991, "How to recognize the signs of sexual addiction,"by Jennifer P. Schneider, MD, Ph.D., p. 6 of 15.

8 From FAQ'S: Sex Addiction, p. 1 of Heart to Heart Counseling Centers' website: www.sexaddict.com.

9 Steve Arterburn, Addicted to Love, (c) 1991, Servant Publications, Grand Arbor, MI 48107, p. 173.

10 Ibid, p. 114-115.

11 Interview with Dwight Hervey Small, sociology professor emeritus, Westmont College.

12 e.g., Carnes, 19, 335, 336, 337.

13 Eden refers to the delights of Eden that man enjoyed before the fall. Reference Psalm 36:8. Source: Exploring the Psalms, Volume One:1-88 by John Phillips, p. 276.

Help and Resources In addition to the material quoted in this article, the following are a few of the many resources available on the topic of sexual addiction: Book List Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., 1983 (Hazelden). Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., 1989 (Hazelden). Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., 1991 (Bantam Books). Faithful & True: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Lauser, Ph.D., 1982 (Zondervan Publishers). Women Who Love Sex Addicts: Help for Healing from the Effects of a Relationship with a Sex Addict by Douglas Weiss and Diane DeBuske, 1993 (Discovery Press). Back From Betrayal: Recovering From His Affairs by Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., Ph.D. 1988 (Ballantine Books). Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness: Couples Speak on Healing From Sex Addiction by J. Schneider and B. Schneider 1991, 1999 (Recovery Resources Press). Is It Love or Is It Addiction by Brenda Schaeffer 1997 (Hazelden). When He Leaves by Kari West and Noelle Quinn, 1998 (Victor Books). Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus by Russell Willingham, 1999 (InterVarsity). False Intimacy by Dr. Harry W. Schaumburg, 1992 (NavPress).   Websites www.ncsac.org -- The research and resources site for the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity. www.cybersexualaddiction.com -- A resource and referral information site for people seeking help with addictive or compulsive computer-based sexual activity and cyber-infidelity problems. www.enough.org -- Enough is Enough site to help victims of pornography, eliminate child porn and illegal porn from the open market.

Return to Plain Truth Ministries Home Page