July/August 2003
Connecting with Your Kids
by Victor Parachin
Look at me when I'm talking to you! |
At one time or another, most parents have resorted to some form of these statements in an attempt to motivate children to listen. The majority of parents have had the exasperating experience of instructing their children, only to find out that they have not listened, and therefore, have not complied with the instructions. As a result, family life can become frustrating, chaotic and agonizing. Experts say there are ways to establish positive methods of communication with kids. Here are seven ways to help children become good listeners.
1) Be a good listener yourself. Role modeling is a vital aspect of successful parenting. Work to be your child's role model of someone who listens well. When your child is speaking or explaining something, give him or her your complete, undivided attention. Let the child know you have heard clearly by affirming what you hear and seeking clarification on what you don't understand.
2) Say what you mean and mean what you say. One mother tells her son that it's time to leave, but then the mother takes an additional twenty minutes to get herself ready. A father tells his daughter that he will pick her and her friends up from the roller skating rink promptly at three p.m., but doesn't pull up until nearly 3:30 that afternoon. As a result of such scenarios, children create "selective hearing" as they attempt to discern what the parent really means. As a parent, you should say what you mean and mean what you say.
3) Get up close and personal. That's the advice of Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation. "While it's a whole lot easier to yell from two rooms away, it's much less effective," she says. "Children respond much, much better to a parent who is facing them eye-to-eye. In addition, when you are standing close by, you can determine if your child is paying attention to you without having to gauge the meaning of a few distant grunts. It takes a few extra minutes to get face to face, but it will save you from getting angry as you repeat your request over and over again."
4) Modify the environment. There are times when the environment is not conducive for good listening and learning. Stephen D. Boyd, a professor of speech communication at Northern Kentucky University in Highland Heights, Kentucky, relates this story:
"A few years ago I had a student who was trying college for a second time because he had flunked out the first time. He became a straight "A" student the second time around. According to him, the dramatic difference in his performance was largely a matter of where he sat. In every class, he sat front and center, right in the face of the instructor. Consequently, he heard everything clearly, had nothing in between him and the instructor to distract him and he received more eye contact and personal attention than anyone else in the room."
When parenting, assure that your child has every opportunity to listen and hear you by modifying the environment. Be sure that the television is off, the video game is on pause, that the child is not wearing a CD head set listening to music and that others are not in the room distracting the child.
5) Use the word 'please.' Avoid being a tyrant and treating your child like a servant by constantly shouting and barking out orders. Treat your child with consummate respect. Phrase your requests in the most polite manner possible. Rather than issuing the demand -- Clean your room now, try saying, Please have your room cleaned before your friend comes over today. And, rather than ordering your child -- Unload the dishwasher immediately, try phrasing it in this way, I would appreciate it if you would please unload the dishwasher in the next few minutes. Like adults, children are more likely to respond affirmatively to a request cast in a positive tone.
6) Always demonstrate respect toward children. Respect is a two-sided coin. While children must be taught to respect parental authority, parents have an equal responsibility to show respect for children.
In his book, Solid Answers, psychologist James Dobson shares this insight: "The self-concept of a child is extremely fragile, and it must be handled with great care. A youngster should live in complete safety at home, never belittled or embarrassed deliberately, never punished in front of friends, never ridiculed in a way that is hurtful. His strong feelings and requests, even if foolish, should be considered and responded to politely.
Respect is the critical ingredient in all human relationships, and just as parents should insist on receiving it from their children, they are obligated to model it in return."
7) Let there be consequences. There is a price to be paid for not listening and children need to feel it. Consider the example of one father whose 13 year-old son was on an ice hockey team. An hour before they were to leave for a game, the dad asked the youth to check his sports bag, making sure all of his equipment was included and ready for play. "OK, Dad," the boy said. At the rink's locker room, however, the youth was panic-stricken to discover some of his equipment wasn't in the bag and pleaded with his father to race home and retrieve it. "Frankly, I could have made a quick trip and brought the missing equipment. However, I chose not to and used the occasion as a strong reminder to my son that he didn't really listen and follow through on making sure all of his equipment was packed and ready to go. As a result, he sat at the rink and merely watched his teammates play. We've had no similar problems since then," the father says.
Finally, try to maintain a sense of humor about family life. Not everything will run smoothly and work out as expected. Try to have some flexibility and work to see the humor found in family life situations. The passage from childhood to adulthood can be challenging, confusing, anxiety producing and humorous. A good example is that of the British Lord Rochester who said: "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories."
Victor Parachin and his family live in Tulsa, Oklahoma.