May/June 2003
I'm Confused About God
by Steve Brown
| Be careful -- very careful -- of those who seem to have God in their back pockets, have answers to every question and who are sure that they are right about everything. |
Jacob Needleman, a Jewish scholar at San Francisco State University, wrote a fascinating book a number of years ago titled, Lost Christianity; A Journey of Rediscovery.
(No, don't go out and get it! I just found it by accident in my library... and I probably bought it in my weird days when I didn't know any better. Yeah, I know I'm still weird... but I'm talking about really weird here. You won't like it much... and, besides, I don't think it's still in print.)
In that book, Needleman relates the time he went through his Bar Mitzvah. He said that the whole process, strictly speaking, was a fraud. It was, he said, a crash program of six months where he learned to enunciate Hebrew words that had absolutely no meaning to him. The old Russian Orthodox rabbi, solid and enduring, was willing to help Needleman for the sake of Needleman's grandparents. The rabbi taught him with an iron hand and an enigmatic smile. Needleman writes:
I never quite forgot the image of my Bar Mitzvah rabbi and the smile in his tough old eyes as I was intoning all the Hebrew perfectly, both of us knowing (as no one else in the congregation did) that I hadn't the slightest idea of the meaning of the language.The rabbi's smile at my pretense and the fact that everyone else was being fooled, recognized me for what I was and for what I wished to be, as if to say: "There is something beneath all these religious forms and good behavior that has to do with the real God and the real man. And to reach that, it is not necessary to pretend about anything. I give you that with this smile. What I cannot give, unfortunately, is the labor and struggle that is necessary for you to reach that deeply joyous level of real living and working. May you find it somewhere, somehow, in this life!"
I grew up religious and always felt that, if I could ever believe the religious stuff, I would somehow find meaning, reality and joy. Then, years later, after much agonizing doubt, I came to believe the truth that God had revealed. I finally knew the truth and believed all of it. Then I waited for the promised meaning, reality and joy, and, for a very long while, I thought I had it.
Sometimes, during those days, I had this feeling that God was smiling a not altogether different smile from Needleman's rabbi. I had the feeling that God was saying that it was nice that I now knew the truth and even tried to live it. But, I came to suspect that belief in, defense of and the promulgation of the truth to as many people as possible wasn't even the point.
Are you sometimes confused about God?
Let me tell you a secret. I'm confused about God, too.
The difference between you and me is that I'm not supposed to be confused.
In fact, if I ever start sounding confused, people will stop listening to
me, reading my books and coming to my classes and, if that happened, I could
lose my job. Nevertheless, I am confused about God and I'm confused a lot...
...and if you say I said that, I'll say you lied.
I know. I don't sound confused. I have this deep voice and, even when I'm scared, I sound like I'm not. Not only that, I know a lot more than most people about the Bible, about theology, about the church and about God. So if you put my deep voice with my lifetime of knowledge and, even if I don't know what I'm talking about, I sound like I do. That is, I suppose, a blessing of sorts.
But, can we talk? I'm sometimes confused about God.
No, I'm not going to become a Buddhist or anything. I'm not confused about the verities of the faith. I still believe that the Bible is true... all of it. I know Christ and I trust him alone for my salvation. I believe in the virgin birth, the physical resurrection of Christ and that he is coming backreally. I support the mission enterprise of the church, and I'm still big on evangelism. I believe there is a heaven and a hell and I can repeat the Westminster Confession of Faith backwards... believing and accepting it as my standard of faith.
But I'm still confused. I sometimes feel that I'm "repeating Hebrew words" where I'm not sure of the meaning.
Now, let me tell you something profoundly important: It doesn't matter that I'm confused. In fact, my confusion is the natural state of a real Christian. Paul put the point in the form of a rhetorical question: "For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has become his counselor?" (Romans 11:34 NKJV). The obvious answer is "nobody!" Isaiah said that God said, "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways, My ways. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9 NKJV).
The great danger for the Christian -- especially those of us who are evangelicals -- is that we repeat "Hebrew words" without having the foggiest idea of what is behind them... thinking that, if we can just get the words right, we'll be right. That's a lie and it comes from the pit of hell.
Correct doctrine and correct theology (as important as they are) have only one purpose. The purpose is to point to God and, insofar as we can proclaim truth to others, to enable them to come to him, too. He is not a doctrine. The relationship between doctrine and God is the same relationship of Gray's Anatomy to the human body, a description of a reality. It is not the reality itself.
Are you confused about God? Good. If you aren't confused, then you are probably worshiping an idol. Be careful -- very careful -- of those who seem to have God in their back pockets, have answers to every question and who are sure that they are right about everything. Frankly, God isn't in anybody's back pocket, we don't even know the right questions -- much less have the answers -- and nobody is right all the time.
"But Steve," you are saying, "doesn't the Bible say that God isn't a God of confusion?" Yes, it does. I'll even give you the reference because, after all, I'm the Bible teacher here. The exact quote is from 1 Corinthians 14:33 (NKJV), and the exact quote is: "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace."
But you see, Paul was talking about worship, and the confusion that was taking place in the Corinthian church. And that's not what I'm talking... uh... well, maybe I am. In fact, now that I think about it... that's exactly what I'm talking about -- worshiping God who isn't confused, even if you are. Standing before a God who really is God and, not only that, knowing that you aren't.
I don't have to be wise, or acceptable, or right, or knowledgeable, or perfect, or religious, or smart, or beautiful, or great, or famous, or spiritual or good. The Hebrew words are important, and I'm learning more about their meaning. But, meanwhile, if it's okay with you, I'm just going to go to him with my confusion and my questions.
He asked me to remind you.
-- Steve Brown