September-October 1997
FAMILY
Making It Through the "Terrible Teens"
Keeping connected with your teenager
by Karen Orfitelli
The telephone rang, and 13-year-old Jaime answered it before the second ring. "Hello? Hi, Amy. I couldn't wait for you to call. You'll never guess what happened in McNally's English class today. I almost died when"
Jaime's mother strained to listen from the other room as her daughter's voice dropped and the con-versation continued. Forty-five minutes and many whispers later, Jaime came into the kitchen looking for something to eat.
"How was school today?" Mrs. Smith asked.
"Fine," Jaime answered, scouting the refrigerator.
"Did anything interesting happen?"
"Nope. Ma, why don't we ever have any good food? I can't find anything to eat."
"How was English class?" Mrs. Smith ignored the question.
"OK. I've gotta go do my homework," Jaime said, grabbing an apple and heading toward her room.
If this scene sounds familiar, you are probably finding that communicating with your adolescent can be a full-time, headache-producing job. Be encouraged; you are not alone. As a veteran middle-school teacher, I have found a large portion of my time is spent reassuring parents that their children's inappropriate actions, attitudes and peer dependence are common behaviors -- not signs of parental failure or social deviance.
The child who once smiled at you across the breakfast table has begun a reach for the future. With this reach, congeniality has been replaced with confusion, open communication with defensiveness, and parental advice with peer counselors.
During this passageto adulthood, it is essential for parents to hone their nurturing skills to love and guide their children through this toughest (and most unlovable) period of their lives. So, how can we keep connected with our teens during these turbulent years?
1. Be a Good Listener
"Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19).
When your 14-year-old comes home and says: "I hate Mr. Kellogg. He's such a jerk; he doesn't even know how to teach," a red flag should signal there is more to this situation than Mr. Kellogg's perceived ineptness. What your teen is most likely telling you is that Mr. Kellogg placed him in an uncomfortable situation. It may be connected to undone homework, not paying attention in class or a reprimand for misbehavior.
Instead of pontificating why your child should never call his teacher a jerk, find out what is behind the emotional reaction. Keep calm and avoid the impulse to straighten out your child's thinking with a long lecture. Listen without interruption or criticism to discover the source of his reaction.
Adolescents will be incredibly open when they are not defensive. A caring, nonjudgmental attitude will blow open the doors to communication. After the problem is undisguised and the emotions dissipated, explore the situation by either showing your teen another point of view (the teacher's) or discussing whether you should speak to the teacher. Your adolescent will sense you're on his side and not immediately assuming he's wrong.
2. Be a Guidance Counselor, Not aWarden
Adolescents have little life experience to draw from and little accurate information being dispensed by the wisdom givers they seek -- peers. Your teen will occasionally draw absurd conclusions based on faulty information, reasoning and advice.
Not long ago, I found a note written by a seventh-grade girl to the girls in her class.
The note said the eighth-grade boy she was "going out with" wanted to meet her in the woods after the soccer game that day. The note asked whether or not she should go to the woods with Mr. Eighth-Grader. Each girl responded on the bottom of the note with a resounding "Yes, go!" and initialed the advice.
Providentially, the note fell into my hands, and while I couldn't follow my student to the soccer game and into the woods, I could speak to her. When we connected, I asked her what she thought was going to happen once she got into the woods with this young man.
Her reply? She had no idea because she never thought that far ahead. She saw this opportunity as a new adventure, one that would impress her friends and allow her to enjoy the spotlight for a while.
While this lack of forethought makes any parent cringe, it is a typical young adolescent's way of making decisions. The most sobering aspect of this situation is that this thought process (or lack of it) is occurring at the same time we can no longer be with our children everywhere they go.
Our teens may not be comfortable coming to us, so we should encourage them to also consult other trusted adults (teacher, pastor, youth pastor) for godly counsel.
3. Don't Major on Minors
During the ages of 11 to 15, our children will provide us with myriad opportunities for exasperation. Disorganization, strange hairstyles, bad attitudes and homework problems to name a few. Each irritating habit may threaten to push us to our limit.
We need to choose our issues of "warfare" wisely. If we make an enormous fuss out of every little thing, life will be insufferable and communication will be squelched.
Personally, I have decided to make showing disrespect for authority, a vain attitude toward God, and making fun of others into "federal cases." I try to let go of minor irritations so I can apply pressure on what I consider major concerns.
When a student comes in with an outlandish hairdo or a few new earrings in one ear, I know the fad won't last long. When I am asked, "What do you think of my new haircut, Mrs. O.?" I treat the situation with good humor and never a putdown.
On the other hand, my own children as well as my students know that speaking disrespectfully will cause immediate and serious consequences. I encourage the teens I work and live with to be as open with me as possible -- even when they have a complaint to register -- but it must be done with civility.
Communication is easier when our expectations are out in the open and not trivial. Teens should never have to guess what actions will cause serious consequences; they should be told.
4. Be Sensitive
"Do not embitter your children" (Colossians 3:21).
Teenagers are falsely packaged. Despite a child's scruffy and prickly exterior that screams "Don't touch me," there is an ultrasensitive person within.
They are trying to control an enormous tide of conflicting emotions that lurk beneath the surface of their "cool" exterior. They will go to great lengths to hide genuine emotions because they have picked up the notion that it's childish to ask for help or show love for their parents.
Parents who are aware of these characteristics can intervene and offer practical assistance with homework organization and research. Your child may need help breaking large assignments down into smaller portions, memorizing long lists or finding information through research.
Even if you know your teen should have acquired these study skills by now, your tactful intervention may mean the difference between success and failure.
5. Be Heartened
Some of the most encouraging passages in the Bible begin with "And it came to pass."
When we are rearing children through adolescence, these are the most refreshing words in the Scriptures. Our youngsters are passing through this stage, not parked there forever! A balanced relationship will reestablish itself, and you will once again enjoy each other's company.
Karen Orfitelli has taught hundreds of junior high students during her 15 year teaching career. She has been published in more than 90 publications and lives with her husband in Manchester, Connecticut.