July-August 1998
PT REPORT: SINGLE PARENTING IN THE '90s
Going it Alone
by Kari West
It's the middle of the night, and Martha Osofsky has just stuffed a chicken for tomorrow night's dinner and is scrubbing the kitchen floor. There aren't enough moments to go around. Besides teaching school, she single-parents Matt and Sarah. She has to work-and make things work. She is not alone.
- 27% of American children under 18 live in one-parent homes-37% with a divorced parent versus 35.8% with a never-married parent.
- In our country, 1.2 million single-parent families result from a divorce.
- Women head most one-parent homes.
- Father-only families raise 4% of the children. According to David Eggebeen, associate professor of human development and family studies at Penn State, men rarely parent alone but with a "cohabiting partner."
Whatever the arrangement, single-parenting is not always an experience of choice or a choice experience. Surviving is more about holding your ground and digging out.
You tell yourself: "Okay. Today I get out of bed, cook breakfast and comfort children." You do what you have to even if you don't feel like it.
The reality of single-parenting is: Get over your preconception with how life was and should be. Get a handle on your pocketbook. Carefully and prayerfully consider your options. Make a decision and don't look back. Live one day at a time. Loosen up and laugh at the situation -- and at yourself.
During my own experience as a single parent, I turned three crucial corners :
1) Truth needs no defense.
Whoever said the truth hurts is right. But it can be your best friend. Solid as bedrock.
The first truth is: Both parent and children are overwhelmed. Experts say that most of your energy goes toward emotionally coping with major life changes, such as a divorce. That is why you feel physically exhausted, mentally confused and spiritually frustrated when you first become a single parent.
From the outside, the next step looks simple: You pack up the past. Dust yourself off and move on. But your arms are weighted with more than cardboard boxes. "Whose pain do I deal with first?" you wonder.
For example, my daughter Melanie and I struggled with discussing, let alone accepting, that the structure we once knew and the familiar pillars that had supported our relationships were changing.
"At Dad's condo, I don't have to do things like clean my room or dig dandelions," she said.
Eventually, I discerned the dilemma. Melanie's life was split into two photo albums: One was filled with fun-filled weekends with few rules. The other was time spent with a "Do Your Homework-Feed the Cat-Empty the Trash Mom." Her birthdays and holidays are negotiated in advance like business appointments.
For single parents, the history, continuity and traditions of the family that was crumbles. Rebuilding occurs on two separate foundations. The custodial parent, the visiting parent and the child cannot rush the settling of their undulating emotions. Everyone needs time to create new history.
The second truth is: Shame and blame are traps. Children are afraid their behavior caused the divorce. And parents who operate out of a sense of failure become defensive. Both may be embarrassed by lifestyle changes and blame the other.
"I hope nobody I know sees me in this thrift store," Melanie whispered as we shopped for jeans for church camp. "When I'm with Daddy we always stop for pizza," she said, sobbing. My first reaction was to scream. I overreacted out of my own pain.
Later, I learned that truth does not excuse wrongs nor accept false guilt. Embracing reality without shame takes courage -- and a thick hide. Pointing to my $28 checkbook balance, I said, "I don't have money for pizza. It's two weeks until payday."
You become creative in chaos when you stop blaming yourself, your former spouse and your child. Truth enabled me to tell my daughter: "I can't change the past. All I have is now, and I'm being the best parent I can," or "I make mistakes, and I'm sorry for those."
A third truth is: Most single parents feel like quitting at least once.
So where does a single parent go to resign? What happens when you're exhausted, fed up with the responsibility and deserve a break? When is that someday you'll quit:
1. When your youngest child leaves home?
2. When you land a promotion that doubles your salary so you can afford an au pair and a gardener?
3. When you latch on to that special someone who can't wait to stepparent your three toddlers and two teens?
Usually, single-parenting means if you have the flu nobody else goes to work for you, drives the kids to school for you or cleans house for you. You are it. There is no replacement. You are on call 24-hours a day with few perks and lots of head and heartaches. But aren't you the best parent for the job?
The reality is that someday is not a fantasy but right now. So
1. Quit trying to do the impossible. Let go of that "Super Single Parent" image. Applaud Jesus for empowering you to be the best you can be.
2. Quit feeling you need to fix everything and everyone. Embrace who you are, who your children are and your moments together. My friend Mary MacDonald has this magnet on her refrigerator: The quality of life is measured by your relationships. Quality is not performance -- whether you can repair the dishwasher, afford to take junior to Disneyland or if your daughter passes or fails algebra. Quality is about appreciation.
3. Quit running from your feelings. Acknowledge those moments you feel trapped. Ask God to help you: (a) Stand your ground, and (b) realize you have choices. All the Lord asks is that you be faithful this moment; then the next -- one day at a time.
Being divorced and a single parent defines who you are. At first, you doubt yourself. Then you discover God made you more resilient than you ever imagined. You realize God is always working -- but not how or when you expect. Truth frees you to get on with life without knowing all the answers. Truth takes you to that place of relinquishment where God alone is in control.
2) When you can't go back, you go on.
Eventually you realize the ideal is no longer an option. "Many single mothers never marry or remarry," according to data from the National Fatherhood Initiative. "Those who do usually spend about six years as a single parent, so their children are likely to spend about six years in a single-parent family."
Having been married, I envisioned an amicable parenting relationship with my former spouse like my friend, Martha Osofsky had. But it was not to be. Then
I remembered the words of a minister-friend: "Have a vision for your life three months, six months, a year from now."
That day was a turning point. Whatever happened, my responsibility was to remain faithful and parent with consistency.
Instead of thinking about what I once had, I started counting what I have: life, health, my daughter, a job and a car, the roof over our heads, food on the table, friends who cared and the cat that makes us laugh.
My daughter could never go back to the child who was. I realized that I was parenting a typical teenager. My daughter's angry outbursts asked: "How much can I get away with, Mom?"
She behaved like any other teen. And she felt rejected because of the divorce. The outbursts probed a deeper question: "Can I count on your love or will you leave me too?" She had an excuse for behaving like an adolescent. I didn't.
I needed to:
1. Stop seething over what I could not control and accept what I can change -- like my attitude. It doesn't matter if I feel life is fair or not. Life is what it is.
2. Pick the battles I was willing to die for, which was not a messy bedroom, baggy pants or orange-streaked hair, but morals, values, beliefs.
3. I needed to let go.
3) Let go but don't give up.
As you turn this corner, you hold out your arms, envisioning your life, health, job, finances, future and your child resting loosely in your open palms. You are pushing them up to God and releasing them to him. The Lord sees what you cannot. He also knows your private guilt and the panic of parenting alone.
Guilt is common among working single mothers. I juggled my job, Melanie's needs, her school schedule and behavioral problems. I also worried about keeping her occupied during the summer and after school. A friend suggested I tiptoe into my daughter's bedroom and pray for her each night while she slept. I did just that -- asking the Lord to surround her and protect her.
"God, I've got a big problem," I silently prayed. "I can't handle much more. Help me release Melanie to You. Help me hold my ground."
Recently, my daughter confessed she had only pretended to be asleep a couple times. "When I saw you standing in the darkness," she said, "I felt guilty about my behavior but loved at the same time."
Single-parenting can be really tough. Like you, I sigh with relief when I notice the horizon lightening up. Whatever you face --
emotionally and spiritually -- you learn to breathe in a brand new way. Each time you exhale "Lord, Thy will be done," you risk turning corners and embracing a travel-weary but wiser you. You are a survivor. You are holding your ground. That is what reality single- parenting is all about.
Kari West is an author and speaker living in California. She is the author of When He Leaves (Chariot Victor, 1998).
One at a Time Sanity Savers1. One moment: Put yourself in Time-Out for five minutes-in the bathroom or laundry room. Shut the door. Close your eyes. Take a mental vacation. Remember the sound of a mountain stream, a beach or waterfall. Do this before you explode -- not after. 2. One day: Trade off with another single-parent. Invite their kids over Saturday afternoon and vice versa. Relish this quiet time alone. 3. One weekend: Vacation alone overnight. Change your surroundings by staying in a motel. Stop at a library and look over the latest books and/or magazines. Visit a metropolitan museum. Hire a college student to babysit. 4. One week: If possible, save up to send your children to summer camp. Or inquire of your church youth group leader about scholarships or financial grants. Then look forward to coming home from work to an empty house for one whole wonderful week. |
Don't Get Rattled, Get Real
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PT REPORT: SINGLE PARENTING IN THE '90s
Single with Children
by Victor M. Parachin
I became a single parent ten years ago when my husband left me. At the time I had two boys, ages 4 and 2, and I was pregnant with our daughter. I vividly remember being overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment, depression and even despair. I was extremely frightened about the future, wondering how I could keep my family together," recalls Lydia (a pseudonym). "Today, a decade later, I look at my family with great pride. The children are all honor students, show love and affection for each other, relate well to their friends and are respectful toward adults.
"Like all families we've had some tough times, but the many joys of family life outweigh the few difficulties we have experienced."
Lydia's story should be an inspiration for all single parents who are working hard at raising their children. According to the 1990 Census, there are 35 million households in the U.S. with children under the age of 18. Of those, more than ten million, or one out of three, are headed by single parents. Those single parents make up four groups: divorced parents, widows and widowers, single biological parents and single adoptive mothers and fathers.
Single-parent families are large and small, conservative and liberal, demonstrative and reserved. Single parents are doctors, lawyers, teachers, editors and can be found in all professions, trades and occupations. Some are wealthy, but most struggle financially.
Single parents can be encouraged to know that many in their group function very well as parents and citizens and families. Here are eight strategies for successful single-parenting.
1) Adopt an optimistic viewpoint.
Begin by reminding yourself that even though you are a single-parent household, you are a family. Single-parenting is not a shallow substitute family or a temporary holding pattern, but constitutes a full life for you and your children. Although there will be some unique problems connected to single-parenthood, there will also be many unique joys, delights and experiences on which you will build a strong, stable and happy life together.
2) Remember, you are your child's most important asset.
You must take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally. Parents who do not take care of their own needs may not be able to offer their children the support they need.
Be sure to nurture yourself. Try to live a balanced life by paying attention to your physical and emotional well-being, your need for adult support and your need for a satisfying social life.
"When you spend some of your valuable time and energy on yourself, you are, in essence, filling your personal resource bank," say single parents Marge Kennedy and Janet Spencer King in their book, The Single Parent Family. "Life makes harsh and constant demands of everyone, none more so than of a single mom or dad. Constantly giving means that you've got to be sure there's something going back in as well, or you'll risk becoming emotionally short- changed, if not actually bankrupt."
3) Accept your limits.
The reality is that a father cannot become a mother, and a mother cannot become a father. "I quickly learned to give up the notion that I would be both mother and father to my children," admits Susan, the single mother of two grade school children. "Accepting the inability to fill the gap left by a missing spouse helped me become a better single parent because it eliminated the stress and frustration of fervently trying to be two people."
4) Learn and practice time management skills.
Most single parents rightly feel they don't have enough time each day to accomplish the many tasks and demands which they face. For that reason, it is crucial to learn and practice time management skills such as these:
Prioritize your tasks. Sort out what must be done and what can wait for a 'rainy' day.
Establish a more relaxed morning atmosphere by laying out clothing and packing children's backpacks the night before.
Get up fifteen minutes earlier. This bonus of extra time will mean an unharried start which will make the entire day better for you and your children.
Ask yourself: How clean is clean? How much neatness do we really need? Remind yourself that you do not have to maintain your mother's quality of housekeeping.
5) Educate yourself about single-parenting.
Visit a library or go to a bookstore and view the many self-help books which are available. The more you know about what it takes to be a good single parent, the more effective you will be.
Anthony, a single father of two boys says, "After my divorce I schooled myself by reading books and articles about being a single parent. It made a big difference because the reading deepened my confidence."
Some good books for single parents to read include: The Single-Parent Family: Living Happily In a Changing World (Crown Publishers), by Marge Kennedy and Janet Spencer King; Teaching Your Children Values (Fireside Books), by Linda and Richard Eyre; Healthy Parenting (Simon & Schuster), by Janet G. Woititz, Ed.D; Growing A Healthy Home (Wolgemuth & Hyatt Publishers), edited by Mike Yorkey; Single Mothers Raising Sons (Oliver Nelson Books), by Bobbie Reed.
6) Connect to a support system.
After any life trauma there is a tendency to retreat from people and pull inward. The temptation to live an isolated life should be avoided.
Stay in touch with friends and family members. Ask for help when you need it, and remember that doing so is a sign of psychological strength, not weakness.
7) Maintain faith in God.
The demands on a single parent can be twice as intense as those in a family with two parents working together. Sometimes the stress can produce discouragement. Turn to God. Seek God's strength, guidance, power, wisdom, peace, joy and love.
By maintaining faith and remaining close to God, your soul will be fed and spirit renewed. Consider the transforming experience of David in the Old Testament who turned to God during discouragement: "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27:13, NKJV).
Although some of these strategies may seem difficult, perhaps even impossible, those who use them will find that they not only become better single parents, but their children are helped as well. During childhood they will experience the emotional security and love they need to emerge as healthy, stable, responsible adults.
Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., is an ordained minister who served churches in Washington, D.C. and Chicago, Illinois. He is the author of several books including Daily Strength: One Year of Experiencing the Psalms (Liguori-Triumph Books).
Help for Parents and KidsThe Nurturing Network 800-866-4MOM This organization is specifically for single pregnant women who wish to give birth. They can provide temporary housing, counseling and other practical help.
National Organization of Single Mothers P.O. Box 68 Midland, NC 28107 704-888-KIDS A clearinghouse for a network of support groups; $15 annual membership includes support group information and subscription to bimonthly news journal, SingleMother. For a copy of SingleMother send $2.00 and a SASE or call their twenty-four hour hotline.
Rainbows 111 Tower Road Schaumburg, IL 60173 800-266-3206 Peer support groups for all-aged children of single parents (four through college) led by trained group facilitators. Call for further information and the name of a registered director in your area.
Parents Without Partners 401 N. Michigan Avenue Chicago, IL 60611 800-637-7974 Over 650 local chapters offer support to both custodial and non-custodial mothers and fathers. For more information write or call.
North American Conference of Separated and Divorced Catholics P.O. Box 360 Richland, OR 97870 541-893-6089 This organization has groups in almost every diocese. Not limited to Catholics.
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists 1100 17th St NW, 10th floor Washington, DC 20036 202-452-0109 Membership includes a variety of mental health professionals such as psychologists and social workers who specialize in the family. They will send a list of clinical members in the zip-code area you specify along with The Consumer's Guide to Marriage and Family Therapy. |
Additional ReadingSurviving the Breakup, by Wallerstein and Kelly. This book details how children of different ages and their parents cope during separation, in transition and five years after a divorce. Another excellent resource is Growing Up Divorced, by Dr. Archibald D. Hart, showing how adults are affected by their parents' divorce. Also, Mom's House, Dad's House -- Making Shared Custody Work, by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. |