March-April 1998
Reaching Your Child's Heart
Help your child overcome difficult behaviors before you both go crazy
by Barbara Curtis
What am I going to do with you?" Jessica felt like crying. It was the third time in two days she had caught her son Alex in a lie. She had tried every punishment she could think of, but Alex's problem with lying seemed to be getting worse, not better.
"Wait until your father gets home," she said, at the end of her rope. Here I am using cliches, she thought. But I've run out of ideas. Lord, I need some help here!
Alex was the youngest, and this new habit of lying was growing like the most tenacious weed in their garden. It had taken Jessica by surprise. Her first two children had always been honest, even when it meant sure punishment. Alex was only 5, but she couldn't just brush off the lies, even when they seemed small. For one thing, she didn't like what Alex's lying was doing to their relationship. Jessica hated the feeling of not being able to trust her son, of having to check up on him: Had he really made his bed? Fed the cat? Had permission to borrow that plastic rocket from his friend next door?
She also worried about her son's future. She wanted more than anything for Alex to grow up with a love for the truth, and that didn't seem to be happening. Much as she wanted otherwise, Jessica knew this was a problem that wasn't going to go away on its own. Alex needed help. And, as a parent, so did she.
| Ask God for wisdom, guidance and strength. Ask Him, through you, to touch the heart of the child He loves. |
When Jessica asked me for advice, I had some. After all, as a mother of 11, I've had some pretty trying moments myself. Maybe because I have more confrontations with ongoing problems than less-encumbered moms, I've been extra motivated to nip negative behavior patterns in the bud. Whether it's a major problem like lying or stealing, or an annoying habit like whining or nail-biting, I know I need to equip my child with whatever it takes to get over it before a younger sibling decides to try it out.
That's how I came up with my Five Steps to Freedom.
Put together through many sessions in the laundry room -- where I've always done my best thinking! -- my plan for dealing with negative behavior began with an appreciation for the wonderful gift God has given us in our ability to change.
Kids aren't the only ones with sin in their lives, after all. Not often -- but still more often than I'd like -- I find God spotlighting some area of my life that He would like to see more conformed to His image. How do I handle it?
Most of us don't find it easy to deal with correction. But since becoming a Christian 12 years ago, I've discovered that a follower of Christ never needs to fear, resist or feel helpless when confronted with character flaws. Because we know through God's grace, we never have to stay the same. We can become better if we are willing to 1) admit our need and 2) ask God's help.
I was well into adulthood when I learned how simple this is. But I didn't want my children to have to wait that long. How could I equip them to accept correction without fear or defensiveness? Was there a way to help them embrace the need for change in their lives? How could I make it easier for them to become all that God intended them to be?
In the face of bad habits, I wanted to do more than change their behavior; I wanted to affect my children's hearts. I wanted them to develop the confidence to meet their problems head-on and to find the joy in change.
If this sounds like something you want to try with your children, there are two basic requirements: First, become a model -- use the steps yourself, embracing the need for change in your own life. Second, be willing to take the time to carefully and lovingly walk your children through the steps needed for successful change.
Many of the corrections we give our children are on-the-spot reproof. Most of the time we find ourselves dealing with problems as they occur -- when our emotions and their defenses are high.
Though this type of correction is necessary, its success is limited -- usually of short duration. It doesn't equip the child
to make a per-manent change. When you find yourself correcting the same child over and over for the same thing, you will know it's time to release yourself and your child from the bondage of a negative behavior pattern. It's time to use the five steps.
When you have identified an ongoing problem (such as whining, carelessness or destructive behavior), spend some time preparing for a special talk with your child. Ask God for wisdom, guidance and strength. Ask Him, through you, to touch the heart of the child He loves. At some time when things are going well, and your child is not in trouble, arrange for some quiet time to sit down together. Then do the following:
1) Describe the problem. "Alex, we need to talk about something really important. You have lied to me several times in the past two weeks. Lying is like the weeds in the garden: If we don't get rid of them, they spread and take over. (Children need illustrations rather than abstractions.) The more you lie, the harder it will be to stop. I love you, and I want to help you before the lying gets bigger. I know with God's help you can learn to tell the truth."
2) Discuss the moral basis. "God wants us to tell the truth. Remember, Jesus told us He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Think how important the truth is if Jesus Himself is the Truth."
This is a good place to bring out the Bible to show your child specific references. Even if your child is not yet reading, this will leave an impression of your reliance on God's Word for wisdom in handling everyday problems.
3) Outline the consequences. "Because lying is a sin, it separates you from God. God wants to keep you near to Him. He wants you to tell the truth, no matter how hard it is.
"And your daddy and I -- though we love you so much -- will not be able to trust you. We've already felt how uncomfortable that is. When you always tell the truth, you let people know they can count on you."
Offer illustrations from familiar stories with relevant themes. Set up potential punishments/rewards: for example, nail polish for a nail-biter who calls it quits, making restitution for damaged property, writing lines for disrespect.
4) Ask for a commitment to change. "I have confidence in you. And I know if you ask for God's help, He will help you give up this bad habit. He will give you the strength to always tell the truth. If you want to change, the first step is to make a decision. Are you willing to stop lying?"
5) End with encouragement (personal experience) and prayer. "When I was young, someone once told me that with God all things are possible. I know that's true because He's helped me with many changes I've needed to make in my own life. I remember when I had a problem with being mean to my sister.
"I asked God to help me change, and He did. If you ask God to help you, I know He will. Let's pray together and ask Him to help you always tell the truth."
Here I have scripted a one-dimensional example of what you might say to your child, but let him talk to you, too. If you are discussing your child's nail-biting and realize that it's being caused by anxiety because of a new baby in the house, be sensitive to the fact that you may need to do some work yourself to help your child feel more secure. Sometimes bad habits or behavior are symptoms of deeper problems. Only through careful listening will you learn if there is more to the behavior than meets the eye. Ask God for guidance.
Once you've taken your child through the five steps, there are two more you must do on your own. The first is continued prayer. The second is close observation of your child's behavior. You need to know when your child has shown the smallest progress, so you can encourage him mightily.
For example, my daughter Sophia had a whine that affected me like nails on a chalkboard. We talked about it and prayed together that God would help her not to whine. Though she didn't stop altogether immediately, I stayed on the lookout to detect the smallest change in tone. When I saw even the slightest change, I'd hug her and say, "Thank you for not whining." Then her voice would come down a few more notches. Like adults, children sometimes change not in a flash, but in small increments.
The five steps can be used from the age of 3 or 4. Before that, the child does not have the cognitive ability to understand; that's why reasoning with a younger child is ineffective.
I've called this approach "Five Steps to Freedom" for a reason. Negative behavior and bad habits hold us in bondage. Each opportunity you have to lovingly walk your children through these steps takes you beyond the here-and-now problem. By teaching your children to face their problems squarely and take responsibility, by reminding them that we don't have to change by ourselves, that we serve a God who wants to help us become better each day, you will be building their character.
As you build their dependence on God, you are truly setting them free.
Freelance writer Barbara Curtis is the mother of 11, including 3 children with Down's Syndrome.
Additional ResourcesThese books make it easy to find appropriate Scripture verses:
In these pages, you will find wisdom from every book of the Bible to challenge you or soothe your soul. Order either or both from your local Christian bookstore or at the Web site www.amazon.com. |