September-October 1998
When Bad Stuff Happens
7 Strategies for Surviving Emotional Crisis
by Victor M. Parachin
After 16 years of marriage and three children, Jennifer, 40, was devastated when her husband admitted to an affair. Additional conflict and a total break-down of communication resulted in an ugly divorce.
"Suddenly my life went out of control," Jennifer recalls. "Overnight the loss of our joint income plunged me from a comfortable middle-class lifestyle into poverty. I couldn't sleep. For the first time in my life I had excruciating migraine headaches. I made careless mistakes at work, was demoted and placed on three months probation. Rapidly, I gained forty pounds. My self-esteem dropped drastically. I became obsessed with self-pity.
"Fortunately, my pastor persuaded me to see a counselor, and the church helped pay some of the fees. Through counseling I regained emotional balance and began to function in healthier ways."
If life's troubles, trials and traumas simply came one at a time, almost anyone could cope with them. Unfortunately, that seldom happens. The harsh reality is that problems often come one after another. They accumulate, pile up, overlap, causing an emotional overload. As one problem leads to another, a person is in danger of becoming negative, bitter, hostile, withdrawn and unable to maintain perspective and hope. It is the perfect setup for self-destruction.
Yet, rather than reacting negatively, engaging in self-doubt, making poor choices, feeling rejected, getting discouraged and isolating ourselves, it is possible to manage life's troubles more positively. Here are seven ways of responding creatively to an emotional crisis and, in the process, mend a broken heart.
1) Begin with the commitment to overcome.
No matter how serious the trouble, how devastating the circumstance, how complicated the issue, how great the mistake, how hopeless the outlook, begin with the fierce determination to overcome and triumph.
An excellent example of this is singer Gloria Estefan. When her father returned from Vietnam in 1968, he was a broken man suffering a degenerative neurological disease. As a girl, Gloria became his daily nurse while her mother worked to support the family.
"Deep down inside I always had a premonition that I would encounter a disaster just like Dad," she says. In 1990, her tour bus crashed in a snowstorm. "I felt an explosion, then nothing. When I awoke, I couldn't move my legs. The pain was gruesome." Her back was broken.
Remembering her father, Estefan was petrified with fear of becoming a burden to those she loved. But, she made a commitment to overcome fate. Armed with determination, she engaged in a rigorous program of physical rehabilitation. Within a year, Estefan released a new album and returned to the stage. Looking back on her trauma she says: "I wanted to prove you can deal with a problem and get beyond it."
| As soon as you face a crisis, make an early resolve to learn all you can from it. |
2) Admit your inadequacies.
Often, a major life crisis will set off a chain reaction with more problems erupting at every turn. Such an experience can leave us feeling helpless and hopeless, frustrated and frightened. In those times we must remember the importance of turning to God in prayer and admitting our inadequacies.
Scripture reminds us that God remains faithful at every stage of our life's journey: "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you (Isaiah 46:4).
And Paul says it is when we turn to God that we are renewed: "We do not lose heart...inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Corinthians 4:16).
During a tough time, remember that God's adequacy balances our inadequacies and that God's strength takes over where our weakness begins.
3) Move forward inch by inch.
Louis L'Amour, popular author, offers this wisdom: "Victory is not won in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later win a little more."
Consider this inspiring story first reported by the Minneapolis Star and Tribune. Twelve-year-old Steve Skallerud was pinned between his parent's car and another automobile as he was filling up the gas tank. His right leg had to be amputated. When the anesthetic subsided, he had to stare at the cold truth of life in which he would no longer be able to do what most other teenagers could do -- run, ski, bicycle or kick a football.
In spite of the amputation, the youth re-learned how to walk and maneuver with one leg. Minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day, Steve Skallerud practiced walking, jumping, running.
Within ten months he was again skiing a mile-long mountain run at 68 miles per hour. He won the second National Handicap Ski Championship at Winter Park, Colorado. Skallerud's other accomplishments include water-skiing and golfing, shooting within five strokes of his old scores.
4) Select a confidante.
Talking about the trauma with another person provides the opportunity to become more objective about the issue. Confusing and conflicting feelings such as fear, disappointment, sadness, depression, rage and hopelessness can be sorted out and placed into perspective. So, when fate strikes and leaves you teetering on the edge between confusion and composure, seek out a supportive listener. It could be a family member, a good friend or professional from the field of social work, psychology, psychiatry, counseling, the clergy or other spiritual leader. Also, you might consider joining a support group which deals specifically with the issue you are facing.
5) Vigorously tackle the demon of fear.
Fear is present in every major life crisis. Although it is to be expected, fear can strike a crippling blow to clear thinking. Once it moves in, fear will try to remain permanently in the psyche, holding a person hostage, canceling hope, obliterating dreams, abolishing reason and negating faith. The key to managing and reducing fear is to understand it. To do that, analyze your fears by asking:
· What do I fear about this situation?
· Why am I afraid?
· What previous experiences trigger my fear?
· Am I jumping to conclusions?
· How many "uns" contribute to my fear: Unsubstantiated stories, unfamiliar ideas, unkind accusations, undermined support, undue influence to respond in an expected way, unbalanced and one-sided treatment of the issue?
· How realistic is the fear, and what resources can I bring to bear upon it?
· How would Jesus deal with these fears?
Once this analysis begins, you will be amazed how fear will begin to recede, providing you with clear and unique opportunities to triumph over it.
Another way to tackle the demon of fear is to arm yourself with scriptural affirmations of God's power. Some examples include:
Genesis 26:24 -- Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you.
Isaiah 41:10 -- Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.
Luke 1:37 -- Nothing is impossible with God.
Ephesians 6:10 -- Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
6) Choose to adapt, adjust and advance.
Because life brings disappointment and sorrow to everyone, the art of living is to turn obstacles into opportunities, stumbling blocks into stepping stones and pain into power. Often the difference between success and failure over a life trauma is in the matter of choice. Faced with a monumental challenge, some give up and quit while others choose to adapt, adjust and advance.
Eighteen-year-old Paula White recently graduated from her Portsmouth, Virginia, Christian high school as the first deaf valedictorian.
Born hearing-impaired, White showed her determination to overcome as a young child. At age three she began pronouncing and recognizing letters on her own after first seeing them form on the lips of those who read to her.
Refusing to allow deafness to hold her back, White went on to learn how to 'hear' others via lip-reading and how to speak clearly herself.
Today, White views her deafness as a positive influence in her life. She says had it not been for her deafness she probably would not have learned to play the piano, master several sports, speak French or maintain an A-plus grade point average throughout her schooling. White sums up her winning attitude this way: "I'm a very, very proud person. The one thing I absolutely hate is for people to tell me, 'You can't do this.' You wanna bet?"
7) Learn from your crisis.
When Ross Perot, former presidential candidate, was addressing the 330 member graduating class at Port Huron Northern High School in Michigan, he expressed this word of caution to students selected as the most-likely-to-succeed: "I'm worried about you. My primary concern is that you haven't had to sweat in order to achieve things. That you're not intellectually tough. That you don't know what it is not to finish first."
On the other hand, Perot commended students who struggled to graduate, saying they "have learned from disappointment. They have learned to recover from defeat. They have learned to persevere." The billionaire industrialist from Texas said those attributes are shared by all the successful people he knows.
Life's journey is not always a smooth, easy path. Sometimes there are unexpected dilemmas, detours and even dangers.
As soon as you face a crisis, make an early resolve to learn all you can from it. Let the trauma be your teacher. Doing so will make you a stronger, wiser, healthier, more compassionate and tolerant human being.
Victor M. Parachin is an ordained minister who served churches in Washington, D.C. and Chicago, Illinois. He is a full-time freelance writer and the author of several books including Daily Strength: One Year of Experiencing The Psalms (Liguori-Triumph Books).