July-August 1999
Trapped Between the Walls of Approval
by J. T. Lynne
Jesus and I headed out for coffee and a little journal writing session. We made it to the restaurant, and I was seated by a window overlooking a small garden. We were finally there!
I ordered my caffeine fix, prayed for our time together, then looked out the window to exhale. Suddenly, it happened. I didn't mean to, but I got distracted.
Trapped between the storm window and the pane glass window lived a huge (three inches long, at least), Angora-like caterpillar. His fluid movement hypnotized me.
He was climbing steadily up the storm window. He seemed brave and determined, but every so often he would stop, and his little head would rise and bob around while he scanned his superficial world. He seemed to peer into my eyes as if he were asking me for help. And then, abruptly, he fell between the glass windows onto the sill. Two feet isn't much of a fall for a human, but for a caterpillar...? I felt sorry for him, but his fall didn't seem to alter his determination. No matter how many times he fell, he still continued on.
Trapped
I couldn't keep my eyes off of him, and soon I began to muse about what it might be like to be trapped between those two walls of glass. Did he know he was in a cage? Did he understand that his environment was severely limited?
I tried to write in my journal, and I did for a while, but I kept thinking about my little friend. Maybe I could try to open the window and set him free. But what would other people think? He must have gotten himself in there somehow, I thought. I looked around for possible entrances/exits for him. He seemed to continue seeking eye contact with me every now and then.
What was he trying to tell me? Should I ask the waitress to free him? No -- she would laugh at me. How could I get the window open? I'm making too much of this -- after all, it's only a caterpillar!
I resolved to leave him where I'd found him. He got himself in there; he should be able to get himself out, too. As I left the restaurant and got into the car, I thought about how I had wasted so much time that day and never really connected with the Lord.
Celebrate Diversity
Later, I couldn't stop thinking about the caterpillar. Then the lesson began to unfold. The encounter was not a distraction but a divine appointment. Many of my creatures are imprisoned, Jesus shared with me. The gay and lesbian community, which you were a part of, is also trapped between two walls. Their glass walls are walls of approval. That sounds like a contradiction, doesn't it? But think about it.
The general population cries out "celebrate diversity" -- accept the homosexual and lesbian lifestyles as viable loving alternatives. And yet even Ellen Degeneres was distanced by her loving peers, who professed to approve of the diversity of her lifestyle, when she came out on national television. Popular opinion forms the storm window; it appears to protect you from the storm, but it really doesn't.
Restrictive Reality
The pane glass window, on the other side, is created by well-meaning pastors and counselors who proclaim to the gay population that they should celebrate their God-given gift of sexuality, because they were made that way (and can't really change anyhow). These same "accepting" people trap the homosexual and lesbian in the gay world -- creating what appears to be an open society. In reality, it's a prison.
The view for my caterpillar friend was deceptive. It appeared that he had the best of both worlds. He could see inside the restaurant, and he could see outside in the garden, but he could never reach either place. His freedom was an illusion.
I can't help but wonder how many gay people are trapped between the walls of approval. Do they know they aren't free? I didn't. When I was in the lesbian lifestyle, I longed for approval of friends, counselors and clergy. But receiving that approval did not free me and did not give me the peace I longed for. I reasoned that I had the best of all worlds, but something inside me knew it wasn't real.
Gays and lesbians need love and acceptance, and Christians should be the most loving and accepting. But acceptance and approval are two different things. Approval is easier than acceptance because it makes people feel less responsible for their brothers and sisters, but approval doesn't allow for the possibility of growth for either party.
Someone once said, "God loves us the way we are, but he loves us too much to leave us that way." Do we love each other that much? Anyone whose life is not lived according to God's standards is stuck in a limiting, lonely world -- so much less than what our loving Father desires for his children.
How often do we take responsibility for our trapped gay brothers and sisters? Maybe more often than not, we do what I initially did with my trapped friend. We figure, "It's not my problem," or "I don't want to help THOSE people because someone may think/know that I am/was gay and laugh at me," or "If I take a stand, people will think that I'm crazy -- after all, everyone knows it's biological, right?"
Freedom Measures
The story of my caterpillar friend doesn't end here. I took measures to free him. I didn't attempt it myself, but I called the supervisor of the dining room where my friend was trapped. I told her my dilemma, and she laughed. But, she also said that she would see what she could do about freeing my little friend.
If you can't seem to help your brother or sister because of your own fears, maybe you can begin to attempt to help him or her by calling someone who does have the access, ability and/or knowledge to help your loved one attain freedom. There are organizations, such as Exodus International, to teach you about the metamorphosis that God can cause to take place in your gay or lesbian friend or family member. There are counselors and clergy men and women who are not standing behind the distancing wall of approval, who can help to free your loved one. And you can help to free them, too, by loving and accepting them, while holding them accountable to God's truth and perspective.
The next time I see a trapped caterpillar, I hope that I will attempt to free him right away. The next time you or I see a loved one struggling with homosexuality, I hope that we will not hesitate to help free him or her with love, acceptance and accountability.
The metamorphosis is a long process, but when our loved ones get their wings, we'll know that it was worth it.
Freelance writer J.T. Lynne traded a lesbian lifestyle for true freedom.