May-June 1999

Lying - Isn't Everybody Doing It?

Why do we tell them? Why do we believe them? How do we recognize them?

by Kari West

Lies destroyed my marriage," says Victoria Johnson, a Dallas, Texas, media consultant.

Like many women, Victoria believes that she could have forgiven a one-time affair or a little white lie. But by the time she discovered the long-term pattern of deception her husband Roy had used to keep her from finding out the truth about his lifestyle, the damage was done.

If you have been deceived by someone you trusted, you know that lies can undermine credibility, disintegrate relationships and erode trust. Lies strip us of innocence. Lies humiliate us and shame us. We wonder if the person who has lied to us ever told us the truth.

So why do we tell lies and why do we believe them? Can we become more discerning about whom and how much to trust without being overly suspicious?

Doesn't Everybody Lie?

"The heart of lying is that we want to be like God, who spoke into being the universe," says Livermore Laboratory research chemist Cliff Coon. "So we speak into existence the world we want to see."

Studies reveal some people lie about as often as they eat, telling three or four fibs a day. Whether we call them white lies or false statements, mental reservations or evasions, exaggerations or hyperbole, whatever we say that is not the truth is an untruth. The Greek word for truth is aletheia, meaning "not hidden." To lie is to hide the truth.

"We lie," says retired police detective Bill Edmonds, "because we honestly believe it is the best thing we can do on our own behalf at the moment."

Lying comes with the territory. Satan, the father of lies (John 8:44), planted seeds of deception in the Garden. By telling a lie concealed in a truth, he confused Eve and discounted her insight about God's one restriction for residency in Eden (Genesis 3:2-5). Seduced by the desire to be as wise as God, Eve acted upon what she knew was not true.

Abraham told a half-truth to King Abimelech, saying his wife Sarah was his sister (Genesis 20:2). David concealed his affair with Bathsheba by murdering her husband (2 Samuel 11). Peter denied he knew Jesus (John 18:25-26). Ananias lied about the amount of money he received from the sale of his property (Acts 5:1-11).

We live in a world of deception. Lies influence history and persuade people. Some people are masters at telling us what we want to hear and what they want us to believe.

For example, in 1906, Dr. Frederick A. Cook gained fame with his ascent of Mount McKinley, the highest peak in North America, by taking a photograph at the summit. Discovery of an "uncropped" picture in Cook's papers, recently donated to the polar archives at Ohio State University, shows that he was on a "fake peak" 15,000 feet lower. Arctic historian Dennis Rawlins says, "It proves positively from Cook's own camera that he was lying."

During the televised denial of the Lewinsky affair, President Clinton relied on his ability to persuade. "You saw Clinton as he sees himself," says Andrew Ferguson, a senior editor at The Weekly Standard. Whatever you and I saw -- whatever we think or believe about the president's performance -- we are talking more about public and private credibility and its effect on society, our families and ourselves.

Lying is gaining acceptance as a philosophy of life. According to Michael Josephson, president of the Josephson Institute of Ethics, we are lying more. He calls dishonesty a "growing hole in our moral ozone." This philosophy of life is being passed to our children. As a result, they are lying more.

A recent Josephson Institute of Ethics survey reveals that the number of high-school students lying to their parents increased to 92 percent in 1998 from 85 percent in 1986. Josephson warns that we have yet to feel the impact of this study. Soon this generation will move into positions of leadership, enter the work force, the political arena and our educational system and become parents.

"They're going to be nuclear inspectors and bank auditors and legislators and mechanics," he says. "If they bring to their workplace the same kind of attitudes revealed here, just imagine the havoc."

Why We Lie

"Lying is one of those human foibles that seems more serious when someone else is doing it," says Jesse Jackson. "No one likes to admit to lying."

Detective Edmonds learned from years of interrogating crime suspects that liars "bend over backwards to keep from lying factually." They prefer not to lie. Instead, they withhold information. "They just don't tell us everything," he says.

Whether we withhold the truth or tell a half-truth, we don't always tell the whole truth. Our reasons include:

We lie to preserve a sense of self. We make ourselves look better than we really are because we want to be liked. We exaggerate our circumstances to pump up our egos or to conceal shame, fear and disappointment. It may be too embarrassing or painful to confront the truth about others or ourselves.

Many abuse survivors say that they have lied to themselves by not trusting their instincts and by believing this lie: "What I have is better than nothing at all." Victoria Johnson says she now understands why her ex-husband Roy once shoved her through a doorway into the next room in the presence of somebody else. "He was pushing me away -- emotionally with his lies and physically with his hand -- because I was close to the truth."

We lie to avoid getting caught. By telling half-truths, we attempt to keep a mate or parent from discovering a secret lifestyle, an affair, overspending or substance addiction.

Arlene Somerville of Huntington Beach, California, knows the half-truths that cover up a substance addiction. She says her husband often told her he would be home at 7 p.m. But he didn't come until 10 -- not because he was intentionally lying or meant to hurt her, but because he was drunk. "I couldn't call everything my husband said a lie," she says. "He never manipulated me for its own sake. When he told me, 'I'm not going to drink again,' he meant it because he believed it."

We lie to gain financially. Telephone scams defraud thousands of people of millions of dollars. Mathematics are manipulated on tax returns. False claims are submitted to insurance companies. Sales are made by positioning products in the most favorable light, often promising more than they deliver. Madison Avenue advertisers persuade us the purchase is exactly what we need. Until recently, tobacco companies blew smoke in our eyes, creating the illusion that those handsome heroes wearing tight-fittin' jeans and a Stetson were "cool" and that cigarettes are not addictive.

Richard Herrmann, an electronics company CEO in Silicon Valley, California, regularly receives scam letters in the mail. "Nigerians, posing as independent contractors, request our letterhead and a blank check wanting to use our firm's bank account to funnel money," he says. "It appeals to your greed, because they say you'll get a million dollars. Also, you want to help, because they claim their government won't release the funds unless a U.S. company acts as the go-between." Herrmann says they also ask for free product samples and some American companies fall for it.

Why We Believe Lies

If we were inside an enemy prison camp, we would know that most of what we heard or saw was propaganda at best and at the worst, an untruth. But in a world of deception, where people twist words to their advantage, we seldom question veracity or check sources. In the presence of someone we know, whom we suspect of lying, we often go numb. Why is that so?

Personal gullibility and vulnerability are frightening. We can't believe we are capable of being lulled into believing something that isn't true or that we trusted an untrustworthy person. We don't want to have to admit that we can be manipulated.

Confronting our potential for exaggeration and/or evil is embarrassing and painful. Truth reveals our own secrets -- the lies we've told, the things we've done and people we have hurt. It takes brutal honesty and courage to stare at our own dark side, let alone to confess it. The truth that frees also hurts.

Denial looks like less work. We like the person and want to believe what is being said. We want to go back to our job, our families, our lives. We pull the blanket of denial over our heads, convincing ourselves the liar is working on their "problem" and we are "being biblical" by loving and trusting one more time.

We are taught to trust. We teach our children that trust is a good thing. Trust is the best gift one spouse gives the other. In fact, trust is critical in any relationship -- whether it is between friends, employer and employee, the President of the United States and the American people, parent and child, husband and wife. When someone does not tell the truth and we find out, it disintegrates the relationship.

How Lies Erode Trust

Liars count on our trust as much as we want to believe them. First, they conquer by seducing our trust, then, by violating it. Next, they control by penetrating our reality and forcing their reality upon us. They tell us that what we are seeing, thinking, hearing and feeling is false. Because we want to believe, we suspend our disbelief and trust -- again.

Lies divert our search for truth and disintegrate our integrity. Deception is like an invisible rape. Instead of a physical attack, lies assault the mind and impact the spirit. Instead of losing your virginity, you lose your innocence. You never see the liar as you once did. If the liar is someone before whom you bared either body or soul, as in a marital relationship, the pain is immobilizing. You doubt yourself and question what you have been taught about loving and trusting.

Trusting Again

"A successful lie is doubly a lie; an error which has to be corrected is a heavier burden than the truth," said Dag Hammarskjold, former United Nations secretary-general.

Healing mental and spiritual wounds does not happen overnight. Rebuilding trust is hard work. The liar must take responsibility and realize that trust must be earned. And you must do what many liars cannot:

Come back into wholeness in the light of truth. See the good and bad within yourself. Own your own sin. If you are dishonest, saying sorry isn't enough. You must turn and walk in the opposite direction (Proverbs 4:24-27). Then, embrace God's grace and what he says about you (Psalm 139). Forgiving others doesn't mean condoning their behavior. It means you give up your right to take revenge. God is always calling you -- and the one who hurt you -- back to him (Jeremiah 3:22).

Reconnect with your own integrity. Stop beating yourself up because you trusted. Honesty, love and trust are the best gifts we give another. These character qualities make up who you are at the core of your being. They are patterned after God's own heart (Colossians 3:1-17). As you live out the principles you know are true, remember: In wolf country, innocent doves need the shrewdness of snakes (Matthew 10:16).

Learn from past encounters with deception. Not every story rings true. Not everyone reads the same rule book or is guided by your ethical, moral and spiritual principles. Watch people's footsteps -- where they are heading and not just what they are saying. Notice the message beneath the words. Learn the typical responses people give when confronted with their lies. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you into all truth (John 14:15-17).

We cannot change the fact that we live in a world of deception. We can't stop others from lying. But we can become truth seekers who are more discerning about whom to trust and how much. We can begin to recognize how people distort our reality and divert our search for truth. More importantly, we can start by telling the truth ourselves. 

Kari West is an author and speaker living in California.

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