July-August 1997
FAMILY
Breaking the Cycle
How to stop the pattern of child abuse
by Sheila Graham
Sitting tall in the saddle, his blue eyes in a no-nonsense squint, he reminded his teenage son to tip his hat to the Native American wife of his guide. When his son stubbornly refused, his dad took off his wide-brimmed hat and with a sweeping sidearm motion, knocked his son out of the saddle into a mud puddle.
His son slowly got to his feet, gray mud all over his clothes and dripping down his face, and climbed back onto his horse. With a sheepish smile, he tipped his hat respectfully to the woman before he rode off after his father.
This was a scene from an old Western movie my husband and I were watching on TV one night. It addressed racial discrimination. That was what was right about this scene. But there was also something very wrong about this scene.
At one time, as a fan of Western movies, I might not have noticed. After all, the kid got what he deserved for his smart mouth and disobedience, didn't he? And, it worked. He obviously changed after his attitude adjustment.
Reality Check
But think about it. Was this a true picture of what would happen if a child were treated this way? I don't think so.
Though the child might obey out of fear, he would never forget being treated so disrespectfully, in public, by his father. Children are extremely vulnerable to how their parents deal with them. Treatment such as this could cause long-lasting resentment of a parent that the child might not ever overcome.
Do you remember an incident in your own life when you were mistreated by your parents? Most of us have been treated unfairly by our parents on occasion, but some have been abused as children, in the name of child discipline. And, unfortunately, in the name of God. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" is a familiar adage in many Christian homes.
You may have been physically (including sexually), verbally or emotionally abused by your parents. Perhaps you're now a parent, and you sometimes see yourself repeating what your parents did to you. That's scary, isn't it?
Monster on Your Shoulders
David Schopick uses the metaphor of a monster transferred from one generation to another to describe abuse. "When a parent or loved one verbally abuses a child, or when a child is battered or sexually molested, a vicious monster is transferred from one person to another. Often, the abusive parent is in a great deal of pain, and this pain, too great for the parent to bear, is inflicted on the child instead. It is as if a copy of the beast is created, which then leaps from the abuser's shoulders onto the child's shoulders" (Safe at Last: A Handbook for Recovery From Abuse).
Studies show child abuse is passed down through the generations. Not all abused children become abusive parents, but if you were abused, it's highly likely one or both of your parents were abused. If you know of no better way to deal with your own children, you are going to be tempted to repeat the abuse.
Though you desperately want to give your children the kind of loving parenting that you missed, rearing children is not easy. You're called on to exercise a level of patience, tolerance and flexibility you didn't know was possible.
How do you break the terrible cycle of familial abuse? You start with yourself. The more you understand how abuse has affected you and others, the better able you are to change your behavior, and the better parent you will be. If you haven't worked through the stages of recovery yourself, you'll hardly be able to break the cycle.
Steven Farmer, director of the Center for Adult Children of Abusive Parents, writes: "As you recover from your childhood abuse, you will sweep out any abusive attitudes and behaviors that persist in your present-day experience. Then you can work on viable, nourishing alternatives to replace the old attitudes and ways of being" (Adult Children of Abusive Parents).
Stages of Development
Another important need is to understand your children and their stages of development. You can't expect a baby to quit crying on demand, for example. Children can't be expected to have the cognitive or emotional skills necessary to act as adults. Yet many young children have been punished because they won't stop crying.
Many studies have been done over the years on child development. Child Behavior From Birth to Ten, by Frances L. Ilg and Louise Bates Ames, is one you might want to look up. Learn what can be expected of children at various stages of their growth so you will have more realistic expectations of your own children.
Jesus used little children to portray the type of humility believers need. "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me" (Matthew 18:2-5).
Changing lifelong habits isn't easy, but help is available. Through the Holy Spirit, we are promised certain gifts: "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23). Perhaps you haven't thought about these gifts being used in child rearing, but they are all necessary.
You Can Make a Difference
Show God that you want to make a difference in your family. You want to make new traditions, to begin writing a new family history beginning with you. Get whatever help you need.
Educate yourself about abuse, begin working on your own healing and recovery, and then learn about your children and how to encourage them in love.
God will be there with spiritual help and comfort when it is needed and with strength to persevere when you fall short.
Along with Paul, we pray "that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith" (Ephesians 3:16-17).
With God's help, it is possible to break the cycle. You don't have to carry that tradition of pain any further. As a child of God, you can stop the cycle of abuse right now with your own children. And, what greater legacy could you give?
Christian journalist Sheila Graham is the editor of Christian Women inTouch, a monthly newsletter for those interested in women's concerns.
Catch Your Child Being GoodWe tend to ignore our children when they are good, but pay a lot of attention to them when they disobey us. Steven Farmer suggests we catch our children being good. "It makes sense to praise your child for playing quietly or for studying-to 'catch' your child being good. Children who receive only negative feedback, even for their victories, often become exceedingly cautious and begin seeing themselves as inadequate. After a while, they may give up -- or they may give up on the person who has been criticizing them" (Adult Children of Abusive Parents). If you are one of those children who was raised by critical parents and tend to be critical yourself, Farmer suggests that you write down 10 positive actions of your child every day for a week. "If your child smiles when you enter the room, write that down. If your child opens a door for you, fixes you a muffin, does the dishes, or compliments you, write it down. If your child sidles up to you or sits on your lap, write that down. If your child plays happily with you or with other children, rides a bike skillfully, brings home a paper with a good mark, or says good night to you, write that down. And even when your child doesn't perform well, admire the effort." Read over your lists often and compliment your child specifically for what he or she has done well. This builds love between you and your child and causes you to focus on the positive. |