May-June 1997

Daddy's Little Secret

I was raised in a Christian family. Why did this happen to me?

Dear Sister,

Writing this letter is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I have prayed. I have researched and studied. I have relived my life experiences, wept tears of mourning for a lost childhood and tears of bitter anger that any child should ever have to be subjected to this.

Yes, I was abused, too. I do not know when it started, before I can remember. He would make me do things my mother wouldn't do to satisfy his "needs." He would tell me all children need this as part of growing up.

He told me never to tell her, as she wouldn't understand, so it was our little secret. He did the same with my brother, too. He used to take us swimming where nudists swam, like it was OK. I was supposedly being brought up in a Chris-tian family that attended church regularly.

The first time my mother found out what my father was doing, she was furious and upset. I told her and she believed me. She asked him to stop. He promised he would and she believed him. Now he had to be more careful. She thought he had stopped, and we never spoke about it or sought counsel. How I wish we had. Years later, it was still going on, and finally I told him to stop and he did. He didn't want to force me.

But it didn't stop there. He has never apologized or sought counsel to change and heal his sickness. He still goes to church and acts like everything is fine. If I ever show that I still hurt, he believes that I am being unforgiving and unchristian and that I will never be happy.

Throughout my teens, although he stopped the sexual abuse, every other abuse continued. I would be beaten, glared at and accused of ruining his life because I wanted my privacy. He took offense when I believed my mother or teachers rather than him.

He would tell me he'd done the best he could as my father, so why didn't I trust him? He even got to the point where he believed he repented of his sin, even though he didn't think he had committed any sin!

Having supposedly achieved this himself, he told me I should be able to forgive and forget if I was a true Christian.

He took it as a personal insult if I locked the bathroom door or shut my bedroom door. The abuse has never really stopped. Even today, I am the one who has to be the reconciler who writes first or plans a trip to see my family, because he feels it is my responsibility for perpetuating the sin by refusing to "move on" while he has done that.

Burdened by Self-doubt

Not only did I hate myself, I doubted myself. Was it true that

I wasn't really a Christian because I could no longer trust him? At the age of 16, I rebelled against everything--I hated my father because he refused to be moved or affected by what he had done to me. Whenever I brought it up, he would look at me with a cold, blank stare. It wasn't a subject to be talked about.

When I went to college, freedom from him meant freedom to talk. I did. I wanted to brag and shock people. Thankfully, that did not last long.

I have now reached the stage where my freedom to talk is used to help others and not to put him down. I want to share the questions I asked. I want to share my hurts and fears and how I came to find some answers.

Why Me?

My biggest question was why me? Why couldn't I have had a normal childhood where my only worries were about tests and homework rather than "will my bedroom door stay closed tonight?"

I sometimes yearn to have had a happy, carefree childhood. Then I feel the bitterness against him for ruining my life, for turning me into a hurting, dirty, unloved heap who craved sexual attention because he aroused those feelings in me too young. I was insecure, always assuming people didn't really like me, always alone with my memories and nobody to talk to.

Why did God let this happen? Where was he? Why didn't he protect me when he could have? Why should one in four females have to suffer this? How can I learn to trust him when my own parent proved himself to be untrustworthy?

God says he loves me, yet how can he when I have been so soiled? And as for someone ever loving me, my whole life is doomed. Why would anyone want to love me, much less marry me?

I am afraid to tell people because they may pity me for what happened rather than love me for who I am. But I would have to tell my future husband.

Sometimes, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up because it hurt so much to be awake. My shame was too great. How could I be a real Christian with all these feelings and thoughts?

Finding a Friend in Christ

I discovered that the pain does end. The burden does get lighter, the road does get easier. It is not an easy journey. Healing is a lifelong process, but you can have victory over your past, your pains and your hurts.

There are stages to go through, and we all do them in a different order and occasionally repeat some a few times. There is so much to get rid of that you have to go layer by layer like a third-degree burn. There are answers to all questions, and all of them come from Jesus, "the friend of a wounded heart."

I was abused because my father did not allow Christ to work in him. The responsibility lies at the feet of the adult who manipulated a helpless child.

Where was God? He was crying, right there with me, for one of his children had turned against him and hurt another of his children.

God promises he will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). He alone is completely loving and trustworthy. He is everything the abuser is not and everything the victim needs to become a victor.

I had to turn from my hurt and learn about the only balm that could heal me, Jesus. None of it was my fault. I am a valuable child of God, and as one I do not have to be denied happiness anymore.

As a Christian, I have to cast my cares, guilt, etc., on him. I have to love the sinner but not the sin. I have to learn that forgiveness is different from trustworthiness.

I may have forgiven my father, but that doesn't mean I can trust him again, least of all with my children. It is the adult's responsibility to rebuild the trust he broke. You cannot do that for him. Only by the grace of God can this occur.

Seeking Counsel

If you need help, and we all do, please seek counsel. Seek someone who will understand. Pray that God will show you who you can trust. Consider finding a support group. It takes strength and courage only Jesus can give to overcome the evil patterns we have learned.

God cares about you very much. You are precious in his sight, and he wants to help you, he wants to know you, he wants to walk with you. Let him in, let him guide you and show you the way.

Let him take your hand and hold you when you cry. Let him heal your broken heart. "The wisdom to heal, and healing itself, come from Him" (Jim A. Talley and Jane Carlile Baker, My Father's Love).

Maybe this sounds too easy or too religious. Do you wonder what it really means to let God in, to give your heart to the Lord?

You have to let go of the things you wish for, such as an apology, reconciliation, an erasure of it all, and then determine to let your children live what you would like to have lived.

Don't turn from victim to abuser, don't even turn from victim to survivor (we've all survived), but turn from victim to victor through Jesus Christ. Being a victor through Jesus Christ means that he lives in you, and you are no longer ruled by the thoughts and feelings that result from abuse.

You don't have to be guided by what they did to you in the past. You have to take responsibility for your actions now.

Ask God to help you with specifics. Maybe you fear all men now; maybe you fear God because you can only think of him as being like your abuser; maybe you need help with your intimate relationship with your spouse because of your abuse. God can and will help you if you ask him. Please don't isolate yourself anymore. We need each other to make it through this ugliness.

Be wise in choosing whom to talk to. Look at people in terms of their honesty, maturity and past history.

Remember, this takes time! God wants us to talk to one another and pray together (James 5:16-20), so do not be afraid. It is biblical for the abused to comfort the abused (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).

I wish I had more space to be able to cover everything, but all I can do is give this and encourage you to do your own study so you can learn you are not alone and there is a way out of the darkness.

I do know that it is possible to break the cycle. I do not have to fear for my own children.

Editor's note: The author's name has been withheld to maintain confidentiality.

May-June 1997

Daddy's Little Secret

Just Once

Beatitudes for the Abused