May-June 1997
FAMILY
The Marriage Trap
When you claim the joyful privileges of married life, you'll avoid feeling trapped.
by R. Ruth Barton
I have always been puzzled by the bachelor/bachelorette parties traditionally given for brides and grooms on the eve of their weddings. Somehow the idea of commemorating one's last night of freedom by watching raunchy movies and joking about "the marriage trap" seems completely contradictory to the joyful expectation with which most of us approach our wedding day.
Undoubtedly, many of society's images of married life--the nagging wife in curlers and a bathrobe, the couch-potato husband whose most effective communication is yelling for his beer, bills that never end, perfunctory sex--perpetuate the idea that marriage is indeed a trap.
But the fact is that most of us decide to get married because we have a great deal of hope that our marriage will be characterized by qualities and activities we normally associate with freedom: freedom to love and be loved, freedom to express ourselves sexually and freedom to experience the fulfillment that comes through an authentic, committed relationship.
Marriage as God designed it holds the potential for great freedom. The paradox is that until we understand and claim the privileges that go along with marriage, we will never experience the freedom. We will only experience the trap.
Sexual freedom. Sexual freedom is very hard to find these days. The newest concept in sexual freedom is "sexual consent forms" designed to put people's minds at ease regarding sex in the "nervous '90s."
In theory, they are to "establish trust and comfort" in new relationships by having participants give mutual consent and answer questions about what kind of sex they intend to have, what kind of birth control they will use, whether they have a disease, what will happen in the case of pregnancy, and so on. But as one man put it, filling out a consent form "sort of takes all the fun out of it."
A healthy marriage is a much better vehicle for achieving sexual freedom. Sex therapist David Schnarch proclaims, "The greatest sexual ecstasy comes, not with a Cosmo cover girl, but with your spouse."
He describes the electrifying sexual connection that can be reached by two people in a close, intimate relationship, but goes on to say that the reason many married couples don't achieve it is that "they are scared to reach their sexual potential within the overwhelming intimacy of marriage."
Intensely intimate marital sex is more threatening than people realize, and it only "takes place as couples work past their fears and the discomfort that comes from breaking barriers of intimacy together."
Of course, this kind of freedom doesn't happen by accident. The growth of a sexual relationship is a process. There are obstacles to overcome, heights of ecstasy to be scaled and dry spells to wait through patiently. But the freedom comes in knowing the potential that is there.
Sexual freedom is not the freedom to have sex with anyone we want; it is the freedom of true intimacy. This is one of the deepest joys of being human, and marriage is gloriously well suited to it.
Freedom to function as part of a team. One of the many management books on the market, The Wisdom of Teams, discusses the powerful results that can be achieved when people with complementary skills commit themselves to a common purpose, set goals together and decide on an approach for which they hold themselves mutually accountable. Marriage is the embodiment of this wisdom.
Marriage gives us the opportunity to share responsibility and leadership with another person rather than carrying the weight of our world alone. As I face life's challenges--raising kids, making career choices, planning for our financial future--I'm glad I'm not the Lone Ranger. Even life's smaller questions, like what to do this weekend, make me glad I'm going through life with a partner who has equal input and responsibility.
Being part of a marriage team also gives us the freedom to work according to our strengths rather than being forced to become a jack-of-all-trades. My husband and I are complete opposites in personality and giftedness. (The fact that he is a banker and I am a writer should tell you something!)
Becoming a team has freed us. We have found freedom in avoiding gender stereotypes and sharing responsibility based on strengths, interest and even convenience. This saves us from spending inordinate amounts of time and energy on tasks for which we are not well suited. If I had to balance the checkbook, figure out our taxes or install new software on the computer, I would never get around to any writing or speaking! If Chris had to spend much time expressing himself in writing, it would keep him from the things he is good at.
Sure, there are times when I have to balance the checkbook or Chris has to handle his own correspondence, but most of the time we enjoy the freedom of not having to!
Freedom to grow in the context of commitment. When Chris married me, he had no idea I would have deep struggles with issues related to gender. I didn't even realize that experiences from my past had caused me to harbor anger, low self-esteem and a distorted view of relationships.
It has taken me a number of years to unload that old baggage in the process of crafting a marriage that is more consistent with what we both believe about gender relations.
I doubt that a relationship without commitment could have withstood the intensity or the longevity of the struggle. Marriage gave me a safe place, a safe person, and the time I needed to work my way through these issues.
We all have unresolved issues that keep us from experiencing the fullness in life we have always envisioned for ourselves. Much of the work of maturing and healing the hurts of the past can only be done in meaningful connection with another person over time.
Dysfunctional thinking patterns, poor communication skills and character weaknesses don't change overnight or in isolation. It is a wonderfully freeing experience when two people say to each other, "I know about those things, but I'm committed to being there with you as you work through them."
Freedom of allowing God to be our Source. I used to think that somehow I could take away all of my husband's pain, that my answers would solve his problems, that I could fill up his empty places. It was pretty draining because, in reality, only God can do those things.
As psychologist Jeff VanVonderen observes in his book Families Where Grace Is in Place, much of the tiredness and "trapped-ness" that married people feel is a result of having the wrong job description. Many of us enter into marriage believing it is our job to meet each other's deepest needs. Inevitably, we both fail to live up to those expectations and so we try to fix each other.
The problem with fixing is that it doesn't work and pretty soon everyone ends up feeling like a failure: the "fix-ee" because he/she hasn't lived up to his/her spouse's expectation and the "fix-er" because he/she hasn't been able to effect change.
The truth is that no human being is capable of "filling up" another human being--no matter how much fixing we do. We can't really change anyone but ourselves. My "job" as a married person is to allow God meet my needs and change my destructive behaviors. As I mature in my ability to deal with anger, communicate truthfully with love and respect, break annoying habits and conquer my own selfishness, I find that I have much more to offer Chris. As I get more clear about what I can't do for him, I am freed to offer what I am best equipped to offer: my presence on the journey, a listening ear, any tools and insights I've gained along the way.
For those of us who are used to fixing and controlling, the idea of letting go of those responsibilities can seem a bit frightening. We may fear that our spouse or our marriage will never change unless we're right in the middle of things pushing, manipulating or giving advice! But faith can free us: faith in God's power to change people, faith in each other's capacity to change and faith in the whole process of being changed by marriage.
Sometimes when we experience the normal stress and strain of becoming truly intimate with another person, we begin to believe that marriage is a trap. If we could only get out of the marriage--then we would be free.
In most cases, true freedom is to be found in the marriage as we continue to grow and change. This freedom is not for the fainthearted--it is for hearty souls with courage enough to explore new frontiers and conquer the enemies of intimacy. It is for those who know that where there is no risk, there is no reward. It is for those who know what it is to push past their own limits of courage and strength and find out "it was worth it!"
R. Ruth Barton is a freelance writer from Wheaton, Illinois.