Question:  I am a Christian and attend the local Baptist church.  I raised my two daughters in the church as well.  They were baptized at 10 and 12 years old.  They had both prayed to ask Jesus into their hearts and fully understood what becoming a Christian meant.  My oldest daughter, now 18, became involved with the 24-year old neighbor boy who is strongly Pentecostal.  Instead of jumping head-long into the faith of her youth and discovering more of what she could do for our church, she dove head-first into his Pentecostal belief system.  Now it’s long skirts and hair pulled back so it will grow long!  I am devastated because the young man was attracted to her physically fit body, which was part of her job at the fitness center but now it’s a sin for her to wear pants?  I don’t like it, but I would like some biblical ammunition to help her understand the difference between bondage to old laws and the freedom that we have through Christ.  Until they break up there will be no changing her mind, but I am afraid that they will be doing the customary “marry ‘em young” Pentecostal thing.  Plus, she has started the “Mom, you really should come to hear Brother so-and-so speak tonight”, or “you really need to come to revival with me.”  I don’t want to push her farther into this life by rejecting her invitations but I am a little bitter toward the fact that this relationship continued after I told the young man I did not approve.  Anyway, I have experienced the Pentecostal movement–my mother’s dad was a preacher–and I have seen the life.  I hope that you can give some insight to this.  Mainly, how do I let her know that dressing a certain way doesn’t make her any better than she was a year ago or less attractive to “men”?

            Mom

Answer:  Dear Mom,

            Big issue—here are some thoughts I would suggest (my experience includes having two married adult children, being a pastor, as well as many years as a college professor, counselor and administrator):

1.      What you describe is an inter-faith relationship, not a question about whether one or the other is not a Christian—but a relationship in which some major denominational and cultural boundaries are involved.  Your daughter and the young man she is dating should give serious consideration to this issue.  For example, Baptists have a culture that is different from the charismatic culture of the Pentecostals.

We should be very careful not to get involved in discussing whether one is right or wrong biblically or whether one tradition is better and superior to the other.  Once that starts, little constructive communication will occur, but name-calling will soon be the inevitable result.  But there are differences—such differences may not seem important now to these two young people—but they might become important as time goes by, as children arrive, as decisions about which church, which Christian culture, etc. have to be made.  Responsible adults need to try to help them see such issues.

2.      Your daughter’s age is very much in question, as the vast majority of all Marriage counselors (Christian and non-Christian) as well as pastors in most Christian denominations agree that 18 is way too young—the individual has not yet decided about who they are, what they want to do with their life, etc.

Your daughter could benefit from counseling and advice on this topic, hopefully from some third party, objective source that does not know either family, your daughter or the young man.  There may be another church in town, for example, that is not a part of the Baptist or Pentecostal tradition that offers some basic counseling or classes in this regard—Methodist, Episcopalian, Lutheran, etc.  After all, if your daughter and this young man are willing to date, given their different backgrounds of Christian faith and culture, they should be willing to listen to other Christian’s advice.  There is also the possibility of secular, non-Christian advice—which might represent a third party objective source.

3.      As you note, the restrictions that your daughter is being asked to accept in terms of dress and grooming may not seem problematic to her now, as the rose-colored glasses of romance and infatuation are motivating both her and the young man, but both of them should think long and hard about how she might feel about such restrictions when she is 25, when she is 30, etc.  How will she feel then?  If she has regrets at some later date, whom might she blame?  How will the marriage survive?

Has she been “free” long enough—old enough—to know what “freedom” is, before she considers giving away so many personal decisions, handing them over to a church?  Has she ever lived away from home—has she been to college, etc., etc., etc.?  Has she met enough young men to know the kind of person she is looking for?

4.      Of course, there are many passages in the New Testament that govern cultural tastes and give Christians vast freedoms that many churches and some denominations seem to want to take away.  These passages make it clear that many issues are up to us—that we can decide to do or not do many such issues—having to do with dress, grooming, testes in music and art, whether Christians can go to movies, whether Christians can dance, etc., etc., etc.  We can, and perhaps should decide, for to our own Master we stand or fall (Romans 14)—not to some preacher or some denomination.  The books of Galatians and Colossians would be particularly helpful in such a study.

5.      Of course, all of this is said within the dynamic that you as a parent must consider—as you well know, there are times when our protests and dogmatic advice will do nothing but strengthen the resolve of our children to do exactly the opposite.  Your daughter is a young woman, and of course you will need to be careful not to lecture, not to sermonize, not to threaten, but to strive to reach her in an adult to adult manner, trying to appeal to her logically, while she is smitten by infatuation.

            May God bless you and give you wisdom as you deal with this issue.

            In Christ,

            Greg Albrecht