Question:  Dear Pastor,

            I have a problem at the church I have been attending.  It is a non-denominational church.  A few weeks ago an elder asked my mother-in-law (who lives with her boyfriend) if they were intimate.  They said they were, so he said “you need to get married if you care so much for each other”.  Yesterday I was told this was a warning to them that if they did not discontinue their lifestyle they will be asked to leave the church.

            I do not agree with her lifestyle either, but I feel if she is going to church it is a good place for her to be convicted by God to change her life and not the pastor’s place to ban her from the church.

            I am seeking biblical advice on this.  Where does the Bible talk about this?  

            Thank you,

            Michelle

Answer:  Dear Michelle,

            There are no passages that directly agree or disagree with the elder’s advice, but in general there are many biblical passages that would support the action he took (perhaps not the way he did it, but that’s another issue).

            It would seem from your description that you and the elder agree.  It is not best, according to a Christian perspective, for your mother-in-law to be living with someone to whom she is not married.  That is, marriage should be the state within which two adults of the opposite sex share their lives.  This is a biblical value.  But you differ with the pastor about how to best help your mother-in-law.

            You contend that church would be the best place for your mother-in-law, as she would be more likely to be positively affected in such an environment and be convicted to make the changes she needs to make according to the Bible.  On the one hand, that is probably true (as opposed to not being involved in church).  On the other hand, it may not—which is where the elder may be coming from.

            There are people who go to church seeking to find permission for the lifestyle in which they are involved.  They do not intend to change, they simply want to find a way to salve their conscience—to find permission from someone so they in turn can use that “support” to justify continuing their behavior.  People who are living together may try to find a church that condones what they are doing, rather than facing the realities that the way that they are living their lives is not biblically appropriate.

            Elders in a church walk a fine line at times.  Yes, a church is a hospital for sinners rather than a museum for saints.  Yes, we are all sinners.  Yes, we all need church.  But Jesus said that he did not come to help the righteous (in their own eyes), or those who were not sick (those who did not see their need), but those who knew that they had needs.  As a hospital for sinners, the church should be open and welcoming to those who come wanting to find help and healing.  But the church cannot be open to those who come, in their sin, wishing to change the values and beliefs of the church on the pretext of seeking help.  Nor can the church be open to those who come and want the church and Christianity to change to accommodate them.  Such a view does not agree with the call of Christ.

            Perhaps the elders should try to reach out to your mother-in-law and her friend, explaining that they want to help, but such help must be on the terms of biblically based teachings and values.  If your mother-in-law wishes to attend while she is considering what to do with this relationship, perhaps she and the person with whom she is living could attend separately while they are considering what they need to/want to do.

            It’s not wrong at all for the church to let Christians, and those who are considering Christianity, know the boundaries of Christian behavior.  In fact, not only is it not wrong, it is necessary and appropriate.  This does not mean we should condemn, dismiss or “ban” people from church who are weighing difficult decisions in their lives—they can be worked with, helped, etc.—all the while knowing and being taught acceptable and unacceptable Christian behaviors and lifestyles.

            In Christ,

            Greg Albrecht