Question:
Dear
Greg,
I’m a 26-year old recovering addict.
I’ve recently gotten married to a wonderful woman my age.
We both have sons by previous relationships.
She is terrific beyond description.
My past has taken a long time to shake.
When I found God six years ago and began to change my life, I became blessed/cursed
with a very strong voice of conscience. No
longer wanting to be displeased with myself and my actions, I have become very
aware of what I believe God would want of me—a.k.a. the difference between
right and wrong.
Last night, for no good reason and for the first time in the years
we’ve been together, I lied to her. I
told her I was late returning from a meeting because I was pulled over by a
cop. The real reason is because I
talked to my friends too much! I
felt guilty right away and decided to tell her as soon as I got home.
Ironically, after lying to her, I was speeding to get home and I DID
get pulled over! I called her and
told her right away, and my screwing around made her late for work.
I felt like I deserved the ticket—served me right for lying!
I was reminded once again that I am no longer able to live like that
and I came clean.
She’s blown it all out of proportion.
She is concerned about her ability to trust me.
I didn’t cheat on her, I didn’t steal anything or break anything or
sneak anything…it wasn’t THAT big a deal.
And I came clean right away, showing once again that I can’t pull off
the lie. Is there anything I can
say or do, or is it just a matter of time for her to let it go?
Is it possible to get her trust back?
I mean, I almost feel like it’s too small an issue to ruin years of
being good. Can’t she look at
my track record and see that I just screwed up?
Any input is greatly welcome.
Brian
Answer:
Dear
Brian,
The issue of trust in a marriage is important and it is defined in a
variety of ways by spouses, for a variety of reasons.
From your brief description, it would seem that your wife is
over-reacting. After all, you did
“come clean” and admit to the lie, which is far different from her
discovering you in a lie.
It could be that your wife is holding you to a higher standard because
of your past and is frightened that any small misstep on your part might lead
to greater problems. Perhaps the
two of you could discuss that. On
the other hand, your wife might have longer-term issues of trust because she
has been lied to by her parents, friends or family in the past and this
particular subject is very important to her.
If it is and she hasn’t shared that sensitivity with you, you need to
be aware of that.
Husbands and wives need to learn that they have not married Mr. or Ms.
Perfect. They have married an
imperfect person. They also need
to remember that they are also imperfect.
One definition of marital love is: an imperfect commitment by an
imperfect person to an imperfect person.
I am not saying that we should not have high expectations of and for
our spouse. I am saying that in a
Christian marriage we can and should recall the mercy and grace with which God
deals with us and we should ask Christ to live in us so that that same mercy
and grace might be part of our relationship with our husband or wife.
Take some time, together, to read that great passage in Ephesians
5:22-33. Since you are writing to
me as the husband (a role I also have in life), note the sacrificial role of
service the husband performs for his wife.
May God bless you and your wife, Brian—and your marriage.
If he is not already, invite God to be a third partner in your
marriage.
In Christ,