Question:  Dear Greg,

            What do you do when your 14-year old son is a “Goth”, wearing nothing but black, failing in school and summer school?  How do you even begin to get him away from the people who practice this lifestyle?  The person he hangs out with, if you could see him, looks like he has the devil in him.  What can I do to help my brother with this situation?  Where do we start?

            Twana

Answer:  Dear Twana,

            You refer to this person as your son and your brother.  Perhaps you mean brother spiritually.  Assuming you are the parent, perhaps a few of these steps will be helpful:

1.      Assess the situation.  How did this happen?  What influences caused this?  I am not suggesting a guilt trip, but an honest analysis of what led up to this situation.

2.      Realize that one of the very things that teens (try to remember when you were one!) want and expect a parent to do when they display anti-social dress, behavior and attitudes is to react negatively.  They want and expect to shock us and they want and expect us to express disgust.  They hope that we will launch into a tirade.  They are trying to push our buttons because at the bottom of all such dysfunctional, bizarre behavior is a cry for attention and help.  So, it can help if we avoid playing into their hands by expressing our dismay and disapproval accompanied by shouting and screaming.

3.      Such clothing, mannerisms and anti-social behavior is a clear warning sign that there is a huge gulf separating us from our teens and there is much remedial work in terms of building a relationship.  Somehow parents need to find ways to reach their teens—not by condemning what they are doing, but loving them and spending time with them (there will no doubt be initial rejection on the basis of “too little too late”, “where were you when I needed you?”, etc., etc.  Our immediate goal should be to reach our teens and build a relationship—not to get them to stop dressing like a Goth, listening to certain kinds of music, etc.  Those are objectives that will follow.

4.      The biblical principle is service—discipleship.  1 John 4:19 tells us that we are capable of God’s love because he first loved us.  The principle here is that the more spiritual, the more mature person in the relationship is the servant, the one who reaches out, the one who must initiate and restore and reconcile if there is to be reconciliation.  The Prodigal Son did come to himself and started home, but his father saw him coming and ran to meet him halfway.  Sometimes we parents have to do even more, and that involves going to where our children are, and meeting them there because we love them.  When God calls us he comes to us just as we are and loves us just as we are—but of course, he also loves us too much to allow us to remain in our sin.  However, he doesn’t start by yelling at us.

            In Christ,

            Greg Albrecht