Question:  Dear Greg,

            I have been married for 16 years and for the past year and a half we have had problems due to lying.  My husband lies about finances.  He has cashed out on life insurance, his pension, and borrowed against property without my knowing.  We have seen a marriage counselor for a year, but he lies to her too.  He says he will take care of things, agrees to let me run the finances, but he can’t give up control when it comes to money.  The lies and lack of follow-through are destroying our marriage.  We have been legally separated now for three months because he took the money that we had borrowed to settle credit card debt for his business and lied about it when he was confronted.  I can’t take another lie.  The pattern continues.  I gave him the article on lying from your website.  I’ve checked into help for gamblers.  He thinks I am the problem.  Any advice?

            Sue

Answer:  Dear Sue,

            As a disclaimer, it is important for you to know that what we say here on “Ask Greg” in response to some questions, including those about marital issues, are not and cannot be understood to be counseling.  We can only comment based upon the matters you describe, but counseling, which you say you have been involved in, necessitates personal contact and much discussion about background, etc.

            Some thoughts:

1.      You mentioned that the two of you were counseling before your separation, and that your husband lied to the counselor.  Was or is the counselor aware of that?

2.      It sounds like your husband may be a habitual liar, and may need help, in or out of your marriage, regarding this character flaw—it will bring him down in a variety of ways in his life.  Will he seek counseling about his lying, apart from your marriage?

3.      “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”  Lying is a deception that people use to get what they want—even if they have to lie about not lying any more.  The point is that you may not be able to be of much help to your husband—he may need to see a counselor.  He will also need to be convinced that he needs help, for if he is only doing so to please you, or to please someone else, the problem will probably not be resolved.

            If your husband is a Christian, and if he has a pastor he trusts, I would encourage him to also counsel with him.  But again, you are asking me on your husband’s behalf, which is not the same of course, as him asking himself and facing the problem and dealing with it.

            In Christ,

            Greg Albrecht