PTM WEEKLY UPDATE -- MARCH 23, 2009

Homosexuality -- how should we respond?

Q. Greetings from Puerto Rico! I recently watched a television movie titled A Prayer For Bobby. It was based on a true story about a family that discovers one of their sons is gay. Because they attended a religious/legalistic church, the mom, especially, didn't handle the situation well. She condemned her son and his choice. I could not relate to the mom because I have never been through this, but I felt sorry for her.

At the end of the movie her son commits suicide -- full of guilt, shame and feeling unworthy. The mom was looking for answers but went to the wrong place to find them -- she joined a gay-lesbian church. At the end of the movie I asked myself, "What would I do if my son told me that he is gay and had a boyfriend!"

The truth is I don't know how I would react. The mom in the movie felt angry with God because she prayed and prayed and got no answer. I know God's grace and believe in it and I teach my kids about it. But in a situation like this, we as parents would need God's wisdom.

Can you discuss this difficult theme of homosexuality -- and how a parent or a Christian should respond if it touches his or her home?

A. Homosexuality and the way Christians respond to it has become one of the hottest topics in our North American culture. There is no question that previous responses by some within Christendom have caused some negative reactions in the gay community. For that matter, organized and institutionalized Christianity, throughout its history, has left a trail of suffering and heartache in the lives of anyone who has opposed its teachings and practices. Of recent date, many churches have been directly responsible for inciting fear and hatred toward homosexuals, so that bigotry, not love, has characterized many responses within "Christendom."

The Bible doesn't tell us a great deal about homosexuality. What it does say, or seems to say, has been traditionally interpreted as only supporting straight, heterosexual relationships. Even attempting to lay aside the hate-filled diatribes of some within Christendom, I still must return to the norm that the Bible seems to teach in terms of sexual love. It teaches, as I understand it, a committed relationship, which we generally call marriage, and that relationship is biblically defined as one man, one woman, for life.

The movie you report apparently has the mother reacting in many wrong ways (fear, condemnation, etc.), as her son informs her that he is gay. When her son commits suicide, she decides (as I understand your report of this movie, for I did not see it) that her actions had something to do with his death, and determines to leave her religious address in search of answers -- which, the movie asserts, she finds in a gay-lesbian church.

Some gays and lesbians say that they are in a monogamous, loving relationship -- so, they ask, "what's wrong with that?" I believe that God defines what a loving, sexual relationship is. We don't, he does. We may feel what we have in mind or would prefer is love, but that doesn't make what we have in mind the kind of love he has designed for men and women.

Some gays and lesbians use post-modern thinking, the "what is wrong for you may be right for me" idea. This belief has been the foundation of academic teaching for many decades. The ethical idea is that there are no absolutes (apart from the statement, "there are no absolutes."). Again, I find this idea reactionary, extreme, and illogical. Every behavior of any kind cannot be right. The logical conclusion to that idea would be anarchy.

What should we do when someone we love declares themselves to be gay or lesbian? Love them just as much as we would if they were straight. We can and should love others, whether we agree with their behavior or not. God loves all of us, because of his goodness, not on the basis of how well we conform to his rules and regulations.

Some say that gays and lesbians were born that way, and therefore, if there is a God, then he made them that way. The jury is still out about the nature vs. nurture debate in terms of human sexuality. No dogmatic conclusion has been advanced. We don't know that gays and lesbians are born that way.

We do know, however, that there are some genetic predispositions that some people have, and with which they are born -- say, for example, alcoholism. The Bible teaches against alcoholism. Some may not accept that "interpretation" of the Bible -- and some may not accept the Bible. But I believe that the Bible opposes drunkenness, which would include any chemically induced stupor, be it from other kinds of drugs or from alcohol. Of course the Bible does accept a moderate use of alcohol.

But, back to the topic. The Bible makes no special allowances for the person who has been born with a genetic predisposition to alcohol, and the the person who could care less about alcohol. Both are expected to remain sober, as a norm -- a standard. Does God understand that some of us battle with challenges and weaknesses that others do not? Of course he does. But he does not, at least in the Bible, give us any exemptions from behavior he expects (or rather, will produce in us when Christ lives his risen life in us) because we have a weakness or predisposition the other guy does not.

The gay person may say that they would find it hard to live a celibate life, which is the only option some would allow them to have (assuming that they cannot "overcome" their homosexual orientation -- an assumption I generally support, given the evidence from many studies). However, an inveterate liar may find it hard to tell the truth. This does not excuse a person who habitually lies. A grossly overweight person could simply say that they find it too hard to lose weight and thus feel justified in continuing to overeat. But the Bible clearly speaks against gluttony. A heterosexual person may say that they find it hard to remain faithful to one person, so they believe God will understand if they have many sexual relationships outside their marriage. But the Bible is clear about adultery.

What should we do when someone we love declares themselves to be gay or lesbian? Love them just as much as we would if they were straight. We can and should love others, whether we agree with their behavior or not. God loves all of us, because of his goodness, not on the basis of how well we conform to his rules and regulations (or the rules and regulations that religion attributes to him). We should love a person who is gay or lesbian just the way we love someone who lies, who steals from us, who gossips about us, who is an alcoholic, or who goes to another church other than the one we do, or who does not go to church at all.

Depending on the particular behavior which our loved one or our neighbor may exhibit, with which we don't agree, and how that behavior may radically impact our lives and the lives of the ones we love, we may have to change certain things in our life. If, for example, our twelve-year-old is addicted to drugs, we generally take action to help them deal with that issue, rather than the trite idea of just "loving them" while they continue to destroy their lives. That would not generally be understood as love. If our teenager lies to us, then we would probably explain why we don't allow that kind of communication in our home (while at the same time realizing that sooner or later our teenager will leave home, and they may continue to lie to us and many others). We must realize that we can't fix everyone else's problems -- God doesn't expect us to, and there are many times when we will be nothing but resented for our attempts to fix everyone's problems.

I believe that Christians at large have a long way to go in our reactions to and love for those who are gay and lesbian. Christendom at large has not reached out to such individuals in the past, but rather our reaction (as a group) has been divisive, bitter, and filled with acrimony. This is the polar opposite of the teaching of Jesus. Each of us must search our hearts to determine how we should best respond to the individuals we know who are gay and lesbian. This does not mean that we must go the extreme of agreeing with every lifestyle with which we differ, and with which we believe the Bible to differ, whether it be gay or lesbian or any other issue.

We can be loving without abdicating our beliefs. We can reach out to others without agreeing with everything they believe and practice. We don't have to communicate, overtly or covertly, that we feel we are morally superior to others, whether their practice is homosexuality or some other practice with which we disagree. God does not pronounce any of us as morally superior to others. Gays and lesbians are not our projects -- people we need to "fix." That idea can only cause resentment from them, and generally speaking, it will be richly deserved.

I am not saying "live and let live" -- I am saying let's attempt to love and understand, while disagreeing. Let's attempt to talk, reach out, and love, rather than condemn.

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