Deconstruction? Or Integration! – Cindy Brandt
Sometimes it feels like people view my deconstruction as exchanging one outfit for another. Like I took off my conservative clothing and put on a new progressive/liberal label.
But it is so much more than that.
It’s like I was merely a shadow before–ephemeral, flimsy, like a ghost. Slowly, and with intention, I’ve become less and less satisfied with a limited capacity to feel, and instead demanded solid flesh and blood, with a fullness to see, touch, sing, love and make things; to feel my heart pulsating to the beat of my very own rhythm; to move through the world wildly whole.
So much of my spirituality was conjured up out of thin air. I knew the right things to say, the right way to pretend to feel, the right time to do the right things. But those experiences floated through my previously ghost-like self. I never engaged with it, wrestled with it, made contact with my body/mind/soul.
Slowly, I’m learning to pull together loose molecules, scattered pieces of myself, and knit them into integrity. I started to demand truth and authenticity and beauty and refused to pretend for anything less than that. People began saying I’m liberal or progressive and I said, okay! Whatever this is, this is what I want. In fact, I simply cannot ever settle for less, or go back to the way it used to be.