Spot-checking Resentment in 10 Steps – Brad Jersak

I didn’t say 10 easy steps. But still.

A Death Threat-

I’ve only received one direct and explicit death threat. It was pretty upsetting. Hard to measure the threat level. The offender was local and police got involved. No violence ensued. No charges were laid. But I wondered how I would feel if we were to bump into each other one day. And then we did. Literally. We nearly plowed into each other as we rounded a corner and met face-to-face. We were both surprised yet calm.

“Are we okay?” they asked.

“Be at peace,” I said.

That was it. We either shook hands or hugged—I don’t recall. Then parted in peace.

It was surreal but the peace was real. And I do know one key component that contributed to the good outcome. It is a gift from my recovery friends over the last 18 years: a specific process for dealing with resentment as it comes with their help and God’s. In this case, there was no toxic residue by the time we met. That was a grace that came through my friends in advance of the encounter.

The Most Deadly Character Defect

In recovery circles, RESENTMENT is commonly regarded as the deadliest character defect because it is by far the chief cause of relapse into addictions. When we carry an offense for any length of time, it grows. We replay the offense in our minds, use it as fuel to justify ourselves, cast ourselves as the victim, develop a sense of entitlement. One friend told me that whenever he has suicidal ideations or addictive cravings, he’s learned to trace those feeling back to their roots. Most often, he opened the door to some unresolved resentment he was carrying. Another friend told me that he can always tell that resentment is lurking in the background when any negative emotion is obviously disproportionate to what’s happening in the moment.

It’s not like the resentment comes from nowhere. A real offense likely triggered us into feeling upset. That’s normal. That’s life. People can be inconsiderate, annoying, even cruel. We feel hurt or angry. It would be weird if we didn’t. The problem is that if we stuff it down and or shelve the offense without facing it squarely, the darn thing rots into resentment and bitterness until it bursts out or we act out. Worse, resentment can metastasize into malice and ultimately turn violent.

We’re Not Helpless

The good news is that we’re not helpless. There’s a way to practice agency in overcoming resentment instead of letting it poison us to death. Most of us are powerless over resentment on our own, but we’re not without the help of a caring community and a caring God. One of those helps is a practice we call a ‘spot-check.’ For those who want freedom from the burden of resentment, it’s worth learning. I’ll lay it out in the steps I learned. If we work these steps, we soon learn that freedom from resentment and its rotting fruit is possible. And the sooner the better.

The moment I notice resentment, I can begin to:

1. Take inventory of my feelings: Am I frustrated? Upset? Annoyed? Angry? Fearful? Disappointed? Envious? Depressed? Unstable? Sulking?
2. Notice the impact on me: Is the Other’s offense (or perceived offense) affecting my sense of peace? Self-worth? Security? Relationships? Work? Finances?
3. Own my part: Sure, they committed some offense or caused real harm. We can rewind and replay that forever. But if we want to be free, we need to “clean up our side of the road.” I certainly need to own fact that I’m resentful. That’s on me. I may also see how I’m living in denial and dishonesty, or self-centeredness and selfishness, or living in fear and anger. Who is doing this? I am.
   Question: Do I want to be free? Yes or no? If the answer is not a clear yes, I’m not ready. Fine. But when I’ve seen the way resentment is ruining my day, stealing my energy, soiling my character, and ruining my relationships, maybe I’ll be ready. That’s when my liberation can begin. So I continue:
4. Confess it: Tell someone in confidence (I can’t stress this enough). Don’t confess to gossips. In fact, you may or may not need to say who did what to you. What’s crucial: (a) This is how I’m feeling. (b) This is how it is affecting me. (c) This is my part in the problem.
5. Be ready to release it: This might be the hardest part. Am I completely ready to have God remove this defect (the resentment itself)? This is why a daily spot check is best… the longer I carry the resentment, the more attached I become to it. The harder it is to release. As I think about the impact, I might realize I’m not entirely ready. It happens. Often. But as I assess the way my resentment only deepens the harm done to me, I eventually come to a point of readiness. I can’t carry this baggage another step further.
6. Ask God to remove it: Having discovered I needed someone to help me (by hearing my confession) and I also see that I need God’s help. I cannot remove this resentment myself. It is a character defect that needs a great Physician. I just ask, “God please remove this burden from me and show me how to live.” Rarely does this happen instantly for me. More often, I will need to pray for my offender daily, by name. Jim Forest taught me to ask, “God, show them the mercy I need for myself.” It’s not magic, but perhaps it is a miracle: one day, it happens—the obsession just lifts. And I knew it was an act of God.
7. Make amends: Do I need to make amends to the person I’ve been resenting? In a daily spot check, a direct amends may not be necessary. But if our resentment has led to cold reactions and spiteful actions, harsh speech or character assassination, I need to convey my sorrow for having mistreated them. They may have caused the initial harm. They may never have acknowledged it or apologized. No matter. This process is not about extracting something from them. It’s about freedom from the chains of my own resentment.
8. Forgive from the heart: Once God has healed our hearts of resentment, forgiveness from the heart comes more naturally. It was, after all, the resentment that hindered our ability to release the offender to God’s care. It also helps to know that forgiveness is not simply letting them off the hook. No. Instead, we’re leaving them with God (picture it) and trusting that the perfect and merciful Judge will bring about their repentance and restoration on God’s terms and in God’s time. Their process is about my pay grade and beyond my energy. Letting them go is leaving them to God, which is a huge relief. Then forgive yourself while you’re at it. It was unkind to burden yourself with resentment, but you can let that go, too.
9. Imagine the change: Can you picture how you’ll respond (not react) next time you see this person? If imagining that triggers you, rinse and repeat. However, I’ll note now that being rid of resentment doesn’t erase healthy boundaries or obligate unhealthy relationships. The offender may not be a safe person… but perhaps working through our resentments will empower us with courage. The next meeting may not trigger a meltdown or panic attack. We may be able to embrace the Other or walk away in confident peace.
10. Thank God: When resentment lifts, we have a genuine reason to show gratitude. In fact, my comrades in recovery remind me, just as resentment is the chief cause of relapse, gratitude is the most powerful tool in recovery. Gratitude for God’s help and those God sends reminds us that we are not alone, far from helpless, and have access to joy and peace today.

Step 10 Spot-checks

When we’ve been carrying years or decades of resentment for traumatic harm, the above process can require months or years of therapy (and there are many effective types). But what I’m describing as a ‘spot check’ can be a very quick daily practice. In the recovery rooms, Step 10 says, “[We] continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.” We can collapse all of the above into minutes with a quick self-check, a text-message to a safe friend, and a quick prayer of release and thanks. Acorns can be removed with a squirrel-sized effort; oaks can require an excavator. Or as Barney Fife used to say, “Nip it in the bud!” I’m off to work with mine now.

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