Suicidal Impulses: My Unexpected Ally – Bradley Jersak

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional. I’m sharing my story about one tool I was given that helped me personally. It is not a silver bullet. It is not a replacement for supervised medical treatment or an excuse to stop taking medications or an alternative to therapy. My experience helped a few others, but it is not a cure. Got it?

Suicidal Impulses are less common than I realized, given my long history with them. Their frequency across a population can fluctuate according to wider circumstances (e.g., the Black Plague, COVID 19), but the studies I see when poking around show us they hover around 5%. That seems low to me, but may reflect factors, such as a person’s willingness to admit it or the parameters in the polls (e.g., “Do you experience these once/year?”) to the distinction between ‘impulses’ and ‘ideations.’

Impulses vs Ideations

When I use the word impulse, I’m referring to an overwhelming urge, whether it is the crest of an ongoing battle with depression or despair, or triggered in reaction to trauma or an acutely stressful circumstance.

Impulses are quite different to what I mean by ideations, which are a step from an emotional impulse into thoughts and fantasies, from vague to detailed planning.

I’m no expert, but I’d like to share a turning point I experienced after speaking with an expert.

I realized I needed to talk with someone when specific ideations began recurring with greater intensity. Serious enough that I needed a long break from mountain-climbing or long hikes in the wilderness. I don’t know what Jesus meant when he said,

“When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it wanders through waterless regions looking for a resting place, but it finds none. Then it says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ When it returns, it finds it empty, swept, and put in order.” (Matt. 12:43-45)

… but for me, the most beautiful vistas became too dangerous… for many years. I know Jesus’ 40-day wilderness encounter got pretty intense, but I’m no Jesus. I could feel my fragility.

Gratefully, I am once again safe in the great outdoors (if it weren’t for my declining cardio), and my favourite prayer times are in the local bird sanctuary at Willband Creek Park. Nothing too strenuous there, emotionally or physically.

But it wasn’t always so. My impulses and ideations of self-harm were rooted in deep shame, and I also suspect there’s a genetic twist in my family tree that makes me vulnerable.

My Turning Point

Anyway, I had a turning point some may want to hear. I’ll paraphrase Dr. Ken Mueller, so errors are on me, as this is years ago:

He suggested that I need to (re)interpret the real message of the impulse before it becomes an ideation. What is the impulse actually trying to tell you?

  1. What I thought it was saying: “You can’t live anymore and you need to kill yourself.”
    Heard that way, the impulses are a lethal enemy.
    But that’s because I provided the words that best seemed to convey the feeling, then I would escalate by adding images that turned the impulse into an ideation.
  2. But what it meant: Dr. Mueller helped me reinterpret the message this way”:

“You can’t live THIS WAY anymore,
and you need to MAKE A DRASTIC CHANGE.”

Those words perfectly described my overwhelming urge, but they also turned my enemy into a powerful, life-saving ally. Instead of shrinking my options away to nothing, I was now free to ask some open questions:

  1. “I can’t live THIS way anymore.”
    Okay!     So what are the options? What could a new life look like?
    Think WIDE.
  2. “I need to make a drastic change.”
    Great! So what changes can I make? I now have permission to
    Think BIG.

With Dr. Ken’s help, I got the message. Others helped me unfurl it.
I began attending 12-step meetings to start a new way of life.
I accepted and celebrated that I would not return to pastoring.
I applied for and was accepted into PhD studies.

And the urge to take my life subsided. But my impulse for needed change didn’t, which is great, because now I know what they mean.

Today, that impulse only shows up when I need that message—whenever I get to change how I live. That involves a lot of work, but it’s the work of opening up instead of shutting down, the way of moving on instead of staying stuck. So it needs to be drastic but it’s not about death. Even when it feels like dying, it’s ending something instead of ending me.

Your Way Out

A fellow sufferer shared with me that suicidal impulses can feel comforting. I believe that’s common and I know the feeling. It happens when we feel trapped, like there’s no way out. Feeling cornered is horrible.

But along comes the suicidal impulse and it says, “There IS a way out. I’m your way out.”

At that point, we’re vulnerable to ideations because they feel like a doorway to freedom, our great escape from whatever cage we find ourselves in (depression, anxiety, chronic pain, a violent relationship, an incurable disease, etc.).

  1. What it says: “There IS a way out. You just need to die.”
    That’s a deadly way to think if you start fantasizing your exit.
    But that’s also missing the message (and why it keeps coming back!)
  2. What is means: “There IS a way out. You just need to leave THIS life.” Same words, but the emphasis again is on THIS life. The impulse is trying to say, “You are NOT stuck. Never. Start looking for the open doors from here into a new chapter.

So instead of death as your only option, the impulse is making a promise that is actually incredibly comforting—you can lean into it. A challenge for sure, and can take a long time to discover, but “there is a way out” directly confronts our hopelessness.

My Faithful Ally

I don’t think I’ll ever overcome suicidal impulses, but now I don’t need to. I can practice redeeming the impulses rapidly into faithful messengers, inviting me to explore endless options and take drastic steps whenever I feel their tug. They give me permission and courage to do hard things that feel like a baptism from death to life.

But more and more, they are divorced from the old ideations. Fantasies of self-harm are one way I can respond, but now that I have options; they are no longer inescapable.

Now, for me, the impulse has become an invitation to inner transformation and a call to pray and to act as the renewed me. Here is a prayer, daily voluntary death (and life):

“Father, into your caring hands, I surrender my life.

9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helplines in Canada and the US offer 24/7/365, trauma-informed and culturally appropriate suicide prevention crisis support.

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