Beyond Mere Civility – Monte Wolverton

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Yes sir, my buddy answered his father. I was about 15 years old and this was not how my Pacific Northwest friends normally talked to anyone. But Caleb (not his real name) was from Louisiana. His affable southern quips and gentle drawl made him fun to be around.

Not that he wasn’t into wayward teen activities—just that he’d been culturally conditioned to be genteel and civil when it was in his best interest. My other friends and I were a rather uncivil lot (insolent come-backs and raunchiness are teen survival skills), but I still respected my parents, and I thought maybe Caleb was onto something I could adopt. Beyond that, “Sir” and “Ma’am” had a rigorous charm. I might even score an increase in allowance!

I was wrong. After a couple of days of “yes sir” and “yes ma’am,” my dad sternly demanded: “What’s going on here? Why are you talking like that?” Sure, he appreciated respect, but he valued authenticity over formal politeness. He didn’t trust pretense. This was family, not military. And my dad was well acquainted with the two-faced teen character Eddie Haskell (from the 1960s TV sitcom Leave It to Beaver)—obsequiously polite to adults but otherwise a rogue. My dad’s concluding thought was, “You don’t need to call me ‘sir.’ Just do the right things.” He understood that civil words and affectations were not necessarily an indication of good character, intent or behavior.

But now, 60 years later, it seems like even civil words have been tossed out the window. Now, boorishness can catapult you to the top! Now, we idolize people who come right out and “speak their minds” without tact, diplomacy, empathy or mercy. Now, civility and politeness have become weakness. Should we be alarmed? Is this brash and rude behavior the final disintegration of society as we know it?

Western culture, if not the entire world, is undergoing a sea change. Hostile polarization bulldozes dialog and tolerance out of the way. We have trouble dealing with ambiguity or shades of grey. Extreme has become mainstream. Many of us have cast aside goodwill, compassion and empathy. Worse yet, this new incivility is contagious, especially when modeled by leaders.

Experts debate several possible reasons for our decline:

  • General stress and unrest.
  • Anger in reaction to abuse of power by authorities and institutions.
  • Deep-seated racial, gender, religious and class prejudices.
  • A sense of unreasonable entitlement.
  • Media sensationalism and overemphasis on scandal.
  • Tribalized and polarized information sources.
  • Leaders and celebrities who promote hostility and anger.

But when in human history have these factors not existed?

Just What Do You Mean: Civility?

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